Diamond in the Sky
by Cimz
Summary: Her family is united at last, but Starr struggles to resolve the troublemaking child she was with the young mother she became. While Starr battles her demons, her parents have their own. Todd wonders if 8 years of torture by Irene have left his mind beyond repair, especially after a Cramer invasion. And Blair fears that history will repeat. Sequel to Over the Candlestick. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

The first call Blair got was from Kelly. Kelly was in London, five hours ahead of Llanview.

"Do you know what time it is here?" Blair groused. It was seven in the morning and, with the kids still on Christmas break, she had been looking forward to sleeping in. She had been perpetually exhausted for the past three months; it was some kind of delayed reaction to the stress of Todd's return, she supposed.

"You're lucky I didn't call you sooner," said Kelly without apology. "This is all your fault. This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't gotten married without telling Dorian and then gone to that Lord Family Reunion without giving her a heads up." Kelly did her best Dorian imitation. _"I'm Victor Lord's widow! You'd think they would have afforded me the courtesy of not letting me read about it in the newspapers!"_

"Your son was there. You must have known about that."

"This is still your fault."

Blair was about to hang up and turn off her phone when her sleepy brain caught up with what Kelly was saying. "What, exactly, is my fault?"

"Read your email. No, wait, don't drop the call. I'll read it to you."

_My Darling Addie, Cassie, Blair, Kelly, Adriana, Langston, Starr, and Hope:_

I hate that my duties as a Senator have kept me away from you more often than not as of late. I would resign my position in an instant if I thought that one of you needed me or if my duties in the Senate were to keep me from an important event in your lives.

Because I know how distraught I would be if I were to miss one of your milestones, I have made arrangements for you to share one of mine. As you know, next week I will be sworn in as a new senator since I have now been officially elected to the seat I held by appointment. You will all be present at the ceremony, as well as at other events later in the week. I expect to speak about women's issues and I can do so much more effectively when the women I love are here with me. You are my reasons for fighting to improve this country.

Schedule:

Monday: Arrive by noon. We are scheduled for manicures, pedicures, massages, and facials at your hotel.

Tuesday: Official swearing in ceremony.

Wednesday: League of Women Voters Event. I am a keynote speaker. President Obama may drop in.

Thursday: Fundraisers. Fairfax County (2:00 pm) and Arlington (7:00 pm). James Carville will be present; Blair, please learn to pronounce his name. You will like him.

Friday: I have arranged for a tour of the city, including parts of the Smithsonian and the Washington Monument at dusk.

Saturday: Another spa day before you leave on Sunday.

You are, of course, welcome to stay for more than a week but I know that Starr and Langston will need to get back to school for the spring term.

Your plane tickets and hotel reservations are attached.

The hotel has in-room daycare for Hope as needed.

With undying devotion,

Mom/Dorian

"That stuff about being distraught to miss a milestone? That's all you, Blair."

Kelly wasn't wrong, but Blair didn't give her the satisfaction of saying so.

* * *

The first call Starr got was from Adriana, who was in Paris, six hours ahead of Llanview. Adriana at least had the decency to seem a bit embarrassed to be calling. Starr and Adriana had been close as young teenagers, but Starr hadn't had much use for her cousin after Adriana had decided to lie about Sam's whereabouts and let his family believe he was dead. They'd made small amends. Blair had always said that the way Rex had treated Adriana was punishment enough for the secret she had kept with him, and Starr had had more sympathy for the idea of hiding a child from Walker after she'd gotten pregnant with Hope. Still, Starr and Adriana had never regained their friendship.

"Um," said Adriana hesitantly. "What's this really about?"

Adriana didn't have to tell Starr what she was talking about. Starr had reread the email three times before getting out of bed to fix Hope's breakfast. "I'm pretty sure she's mad about my Mom and Dad getting married and not inviting her."

"So she's going to punish the rest of us?"

"You could always not come," Starr suggested innocently. Out of all of Dorian's girls, Adriana was the one who was the least likely to come at Dorian's command. Cassie and Langston would indulge Dorian as long as she wasn't doing anything too morally questionable. Kelly, who periodically needed protection from her own stupidity, liked to be in good standing with Dorian just in case. Blair's devotion to Dorian wasn't something Starr quite understood, but it was beyond question. Starr, at the ripe old age of twenty, never took sides against Blair.

Adriana did as she liked and told Dorian that there was nothing she could do about it, and that if she tried Adriana would disown her. Dorian inevitably accepted Adriana's terms. Still, if Adriana decided to skip Dorian's special week, she would remove the heat from the Manning branch of the family.

"No." Adriana groaned. "This is not worth the battle. It's going to be horrible, but I really am proud of her, you know? Senator Dorian Cramer Lord. It's a big deal."

"Yeah, it is." Starr didn't think Dorian even grasped how proud they were of her.

"But I'm leaving the second she tries to control my life. That's what she means by spa days. And the Washington Monument. She just wants us trapped in a small space. Getting paraded around while she networks is going to be the fun part."

Adriana wasn't wrong, but Starr didn't give her the satisfaction of saying so.

* * *

Cassie called at what Blair thought was a much more reasonable hour, when Blair had a cup of coffee in her hand and a copy of The Sun on the table in front of her. Cassie was in Savannah, so she didn't have to think about a time difference.

"Did you read that email from my mother?" Cassie asked after politely inquiring after Blair's wellbeing and pretending that she might have called for some reason other than Dorian's summons.

"Read it," Blair confirmed. "Had it read to me by Kelly at the crack of dawn this morning."

"Kelly hasn't quite figured out the time difference," said Cassie generously.

"She wanted to punish me."

"Blair, she didn't."

"She did. And she's right. Dorian's doing this because of me. I flew the kids down to Key West when I remarried Todd, and I didn't invite Dorian. So Dorian is pointedly not inviting Todd. Or Jack. Or Sam."

"Or River," Cassie agreed with a laugh. "I asked him if he wanted to go and he said he has concerts all that week. He sounded so relieved to have an excuse that I didn't bother telling him he wasn't invited."

"My boys are going to be hurt. Sam doesn't think it's fair when Hope gets to do something and he doesn't. And Jack… I'm sure Jack doesn't even want to go, but he's the one who would get the most out of it. He's the right age to really start understanding how government works. I know he'd be crushed not to be invited even if he never said so." Blair's eyes threatened to fill with tears as she thought of how far Jack had drifted away and how hard she, Todd, and Starr had worked to lure him back. "I'm going to bring them anyway," she decided, thinking aloud.

"You should. Mother can take this Cramer Women thing too far."

There wasn't any accusation in Cassie's voice, but Blair felt a surge of guilt nonetheless. "I love Dorian. I owe her so much. I know I wouldn't be where I am without her. I wouldn't be who I am without her. I probably wouldn't even be alive without her."

"She knows you love her. She loves you, too. She adores you and she adores your boys." Cassie paused for effect. "Todd, not so much."

"She was so happy that I was over him. She wouldn't have been so mad if I'd run off and married Tomas Delgado."

"I would have been worried if you'd married the man who took Todd away from your children for eight years. I wouldn't have bought you a plane ticket to a spa, but I might have considered a mental institution. It runs in the family, you know."

Blair laughed in spite of herself. "I shouldn't have put off telling Dorian. I should have called her as soon as it happened. I should have at least called her when I saw David Vickers standing there asking if I voted. She didn't even find out from me. She found out from the boytoy husband she sent to spy on me."

"That's her own fault, then," Cassie said loyally.

Whatever else the week in Washington held, Blair was looking forward to spending time with Cassie.

* * *

Langston and Starr talked a few times a week, anyway, but when Starr saw Langston's picture light up her phone, she knew that this was not to be an ordinary conversation. Langston was in Los Angeles, three hours behind Llanview, so she was the last to see Dorian's email.

"Yes, it's my family's fault, and no, we aren't apologizing," Starr groused as she accepted the call. "Hi, Lang."

"This is big. Adriana called me. Adriana never calls me. She texts three times a year and sends me French lingerie at Christmas."

"Adriana called _me_," Starr trumped. "I think the last time she called me was before I met you. Seriously, it was, like, when Walker was on death row."

"This is serious," Langston said. "You're coming?"

"I guess. Mom hasn't said we're not."

"Blair wouldn't side against Dorian about something like this."

"My family had a really rough time this fall," Starr explained needlessly. Langston made a sympathetic noise. "Mom might not want to leave the boys, even for a few days."

"Yeah, I noticed that. I didn't know whether to feel offended for Jack or jealous of him."

"Not just Jack," Starr pointed out. "If Dorian had said she was leaving Jack out because it's a political thing and Jack killed a woman last summer, fine. I wouldn't like it but I'd understand. But she left out Sam and Zane. She left out River, and he's her own grandson."

"No men. She sent me one plane ticket. One. She pulled every trick in the book trying to get me back together with Markko, but she made it pretty clear he's not invited. I bet she didn't invite Kelly's Joey, either, and you know she likes him."

"A little too much," Starr agreed. "My Dad always says he's glad he was in his twenties when he met Dorian because that meant he was too old for her."

"Starr!" Langston laughed. It was hard to scandalize Langston, but the idea of her mother romancing Starr's father did it. "It's so weird that I've never met your real Dad."

"It's beyond weird. You're two of the hugest people in my life. It doesn't seem like it should be possible. Sometimes it feels like I'm splitting into two people," Starr mused, not for the first time. "There's the me from before Dad went away, who was all into science and reptiles and pulling scams. Then there's the me from after I met you and Cole and Markko, and with all of you gone now it feels like a dream. Sometimes I look at Hope and I wonder where she came from."

Langston paused for a long moment. "Well, sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very, very much…"

"And the man murders the woman's stepfather and then takes part in a prison break and loses his right to have visitors, let alone get parole before his daughter is old enough to drive…" Starr contributed bitterly.

"You miss him."

"I miss _me_. I don't know who I am if I'm not in love with James or Cole or best friends with you—"

"Back up. Just because I'm not in Llanview doesn't mean we aren't best friends."

"Right," Starr agreed. Whatever else the week in Washington held, Starr was looking forward to spending time with Langston.

* * *

Addie was the only one who didn't call. Blair wasn't terribly concerned; Addie had grown up in a time when the phone rang only with bad news and then had spent most of her life in institutions where phones were not part of day-to-day life. She had eagerly learned to text when she had been released from Saint Ann's, but she had never quite fallen into the habit of enjoying the process.

And if Addie was going to stick it to Dorian and not show up at the party, well, Blair didn't want to get involved.


	2. Chapter 2

Todd never took his eyes off the workmen as they put the finishing touches on the net that held the gold balloons close to the ceiling at Capricorn.

"Time for you to call Blair," he ordered Cristian without looking at him.

"I can't believe I'm going along with any idea of yours," Cristian grumbled disapprovingly. Todd didn't bother reminding Cristian that he was doing it for Blair, and also because Todd was paying all the Capricorn employees three times a night's wages to get lost. They had had that conversation half a dozen times, and Todd had been bored even during the first one.

He listened as Cristian asked Blair to come to Capricorn as soon as possible and barely waited for Cristian to end the call before demanding that he vacate the premises.

"Your tip for a job well done." He shoved an envelope at Cristian. "Buy your fiance something pretty."

The workmen followed Cristian out the door.

Todd checked the sound system one last time before dimming the lights and stationing himself in the dark shadows near the entrance.

A few minutes later, Blair stormed inside with a gust of winter air, passing within inches of Todd but not noticing him.

"Cristian!" she shouted. "Why does the sign say we're closed? Cristian! Aubrey! Pete!"

"They aren't here," Todd said in a low voice as he stepped out of the shadows and close into Blair's space. She jumped, shivered, and relaxed in one tantalizing movement. "I sent them home."

"Todd." To his pleasure, his name came out as a gasp. He loved making her breathless any way he could. "You're supposed to be at the Sun."

"Supposed to be," he growled. "How conventional." He spun Blair into his arms before taking her coat and purse and setting them on a chair. "Remember the days when we did what we wanted? Damn the rules?"

Blair batted her eyes, instinctively falling into her role. "And what is it that you want, Todd?"

He kissed her deeply and skimmed his hands over her dress. Blair seemed to have an unlimited collection of cocktail dresses for when she played hostess or musical entertainment at her club. This one was a deep turquoise that made her eyes shine greener than usual.

"I want you. I want you all to myself. That's why I had to throw everyone else out of here. I didn't want anyone trying to cut in, because then I would have had to kill him and beating murder raps gets old after a while." With one hand, he gathered her close and maneuvered her onto the dance floor. With the other, he reached into his pocket and clicked the tiny remote control concealed there.

Nat King Cole's voice drifted out of the speakers.

_Unforgettable  
That's what you are..._

Blair laughed. "I still hate that song."

Todd pressed a trio of chaste kisses to her cheek, temple, and lips. "I couldn't hate anything that gave me you," he whispered.

Blair pressed herself closer to him. "Well, when you put it that way," she agreed. Then she did something he couldn't describe or put a name to that let him feel that, for the moment at least, she had completely given herself over to him. It both thrilled and frightened him to be so close to her. There were no secrets, no lies, and no sparring. There was nothing but the two of them, just as he had wished. They had tried for twenty years to get back to this place, and they had finally made it.

As Nat King Cole's voice faded away and an instrumental piece took over, Todd pressed the second remote in his pocket.

Gold balloons rained down on them from the ceiling.

"Todd!" Blair threw her arms around his neck in an energetic, laughing hug. Her peaceful languor vanished in favor of joyous excitement that was even better.

"Gold," he told her. "Always. We are golden. Gold as our wedding bands."

Blair spun them around, leading for just a second so they could twirl through the last of the falling balloons. "I thought you might- I hoped you might- it always meant so much to me-"

"To me, too," he told her.

"I thought you might when we got back from Key West, or Christmas or New Years, and when you didn't-"

"That's what I hoped you'd think. I wanted to surprise you, like you surprised me with the wedding in Key West."

The idea that he would ever forget anything as important as the two of them dancing in the empty ballroom full of gold balloons was, of course, ludicrous. He wouldn't have forgotten it even if he hadn't spent eight imprisoned years desperately holding on to the memory along with his sanity. He wouldn't have failed to recreate it.

He didn't think Blair quite understood how much of a mess his brain was after eight years with Irene, Baker, and their friends.

He was just fine with that. Why take the risk that understanding would repulse her or frighten her?

Besides, Blair was constantly over-tired as it was. She had gone to sleep earlier and stayed asleep later than he had for as long as they'd known each other. That was something he had always attributed to his own insomnia rather than anything unusual about Blair. Ever since their wedding, though, she had seemed to suffer from real, chronic exhaustion.

It could have been his paranoia. After eight years away from his family, how could he fail to worry that they would be taken from him again? He watched Jack's wrestling matches and worried about a broken neck. He watched Starr back her car out of the driveway and worried about a collision. He double checked the locks on every door and window in Dorian's ridiculous tacky mansion every night even though he couldn't say who he thought might break in.

That had been exacerbated by the craziness of the holidays combined with a houseful of children with varying needs. Starr and Jack had been working from behind all throughout the first term of the school year. They had had to make up for the time they'd lost thanks to kidnappings and prison breaks. Neither Todd nor Blair would ever have considered refusing them any kind of support. It was Starr who had needed the most help; Hope had woken up screaming for Cole every night for a month. Eventually, Starr had been convinced to let her parents handle midnight duty so that she would not be tired in her classes the next day. And Sam, of course, was not the kind of kid you ever left alone for more than ten minutes.

At least Dani and Tea had taken off for Tahiti with their breathing corpse of a beloved imposter. Todd felt like it was less stressful for everyone involved if Walker Laurence was somewhere where, if he happened to be smothered with a pillow, Todd wouldn't be accused.

Blair traced her hand down Todd's face and kicked some balloons out of the way as she led him to the bar. "What are you thinking of?"

"You," he told her.

"You were thinking of me and scowling like that?"

Todd poured champagne for both of them. "All right, I was thinking about that email you forwarded from Dorian, about the party I'm not invited to."

"You're coming anyway," Blair said firmly. "You and Jack and Sam."

"I think I can safely speak for Jack and Sam when I say we don't want pedicures or facials."

"So you can take them somewhere else for that part. But you're coming with us to the Smithsonian and the rest."

"The Holocaust Museum will be more fun than watching Dorian make speeches," Todd mused.

"Todd!" Blair slapped him lightly on the shoulder with the back of her hand.

"That's another reason I don't like Dorian," said Todd, rubbing his shoulder in mock pain. "Her name comes up and you go from celebrating one of the happiest moments in our lives to hitting me."

Blair peeked at him through her eyelashes. "Want me to kiss it and make it better?"

Todd gulped and couldn't quite formulate an answer. He rarely could when Blair got like this.

His skin was on fire from the second she removed his suit jacket. He doubted that it was strictly necessary for her hands to linger quite so long on his chest and abdomen, and he certainly suspected that she could have unbuttoned his shirt without teasing his nipples with her nails.

"Where does it hurt?" she whispered when she had him naked from the waist up. Her breath was hot against his ear. "Here?" she asked as she kissed his shoulder. "Here?" Her lips moved to his neck and then his ear, where he had always been especially sensitive. "I hope I didn't get you here." She brushed her lips against his chin and flicked his lower lip into her mouth before twining her fingers into his hair and deepening the kiss.

"There's a back room over there, right?" He hadn't explored Capricorn beyond what was necessary to arrange for the music and balloons. The balloons suddenly looked painfully full and ready to pop, but perhaps he was projecting.

"Who needs a back room?" asked Blair. She lifted herself onto the bar and smiled mischievously at Todd. "Every time I sing here, I look over at this bar. I want a secret memory to think of when I look at it."

"I did promise to give you whatever you wanted," Todd agreed roughly. Privacy was of the utmost importance to him when it came to sex; fantasies about nailing Blair on top of a bar weren't particularly his thing.

That didn't mean he was going to turn down the offer, though. With the Crazy Cramer House full of their Crazy Cramer-Manning children, they were probably less likely to be interrupted here than they were in their own bedroom.

Blair was watching him carefully. He nodded to let her know that he really did agree.

She had been waiting for his signal, and now she stood up on the bar, towering over him, with the part of her that currently most interested him right at the level of his eyes.

"I can't shower you with gold," Blair said. "But I could try turquoise." With that, she slithered out of the dress and tossed it at him. Todd caught it without realizing that he had; formative years spent on the football field had left him with reflexes that acted of their own accord.

Blair stood before him in lacy, racy underwear that matched her dress, high heels, and a smile.

A second later, she had rid herself of the underwear. The dim light glistened on her body; he could see that she was more than ready for him. He ran his hands reverently up her legs and squeezed her butt, directing her into a sitting position on the bar.

She, for her part, reached for his belt. It fell to the floor, followed by his slacks and boxers. She gave his shaft a couple of strokes before guiding him to enter her.

They started out that way, and finished with both of them sprawled across the top of the bar.

"So," Blair smiled when they'd spent several moments silently watching the light play off the sparkling balloons on the floor. "That's a stable, a limousine, an airplane, an elevator, and on top of the bar at Capricorn down. Lots more interesting places to go."

If that was really going to be Blair's goal in life, who was Todd to stop her?


	3. Chapter 3

It came as no surprise to Todd that Jack was singularly ungrateful that his parents had decided to require him to crash his Aunt Dorian's party. "I have plans with Neela," he whined.

Blair suggested that Neela, with her open fascination with American culture, would never begrudge Jack such an opportunity. Neela, unfortunately for Jack, chose that moment to send him a string of bubbly, excited texts begging him to notice everything and tell her all about it when he got back to Llanview.

After that, Jack stuck to arguing that Dorian didn't like him anyway.

"She loves you," Blair inevitably replied.

"She hates me, and I'm going," Todd inevitably pointed out. Something about that seemed to amuse Jack, so Todd carried on saying it every time the conversation repeated itself.

"Did you know," Jack said irritably as he straightened his tie in preparation for Dorian's swearing-in ceremony, "that she took over Buchanan Enterprises a few years ago and renamed it Cramer Enterprises?"

"Jessica mentioned something about that," Todd said. He'd actually read quite a bit about the whole fiasco- it had really been very amusing except for how it had affected Jessica- but he wanted Jack to keep talking. Jack was rarely openly hostile to him anymore, but they were still trying to settle in to a comfortable dynamic.

"Yeah, her husband got killed at the announcement," Jack confirmed. "Anyway, Hope wasn't born yet, but Aunt Dorian gave her a seat on the C.E. board. Langston wasn't adopted yet, but Aunt Dorian gave her a seat on the C.E. board, too. Not me, though. She said that I was 'male' and therefore 'too open to the influence of my father.'"

"She said that to you?" That was a bit much, even for Dorian.

"She said it to Mom and Starr. She didn't talk to me unless she was yelling at me for not liking French food."

"Not true," said Blair as she breezed past with Sam and Hope in her wake. "The part about French food, that is. The stuff with the C.E. board happened."

"Were you on the C.E. board?" He remembered how possessive she had been of Melador and how determinedly she had run the Sun when he hadn't been able to. But he hadn't seen her name in the articles he had read about the takeover.

"I wasn't touching that disaster with a ten foot pole," she confirmed. "None of us were. We were lucky Dorian didn't force us into a week-long retreat that time."

With that, she ushered their brood out the door.

More by coincidence than by plan, Todd, Sam, and Jack hadn't come face-to-face with the Crazy Cramer Coven during their first day in Washington. Blair and Starr certainly hadn't volunteered the news of their presence. It wasn't surprising, then, that Addie did an almost comical double-take when Todd arrived at their assigned table for the swearing-in reception.

"So you're my son-in-law again," said Addie. She took his face in her hands and Todd stood still as she studied him carefully. He studied her, too. He couldn't quite imagine what a mentally stable Addie would be like even as she stood inches from him.

"I do like you better than the other Todd," she said.

"There's only one Todd, and that's me," he corrected- perhaps a bit too harshly, but he was sick of everyone acting like the imposter somehow had equal footing just because he'd stolen Todd's identity.

"Very well," said Addie, and with that she slapped him across the face.

"What?" demanded Todd. He had been very well behaved all throughout the trip.

"Mama!" Blair exclaimed, and made a move to grab Addie. Addie danced away from Blair with a dramatic grace that Todd suddenly realized she had passed on to her daughter.

"I'm fine, Blair," Addie returned. She nailed Todd with a hard gaze. "That is for every horrible thing you have done to Blair in the past twenty years, and a sample of what's to come if you ever hurt her again." She smiled sweetly. "It's not as bad as what I did to the other one." Then she kissed Todd's cheek. "Welcome back to the family."

"Welcome back, Todd," echoed Cassie, sensing an opportunity to diffuse the situation and move them along.

"Thank you," he said, mentally lamenting the fact that everything was about to go downhill because Cassie (and in her way, Addie) was by far the most tolerable of Blair's relatives. He could happily have gone another decade without seeing Kelly, and he stiffened with revulsion when she hugged him hello. Eight years of torture had made him more receptive to touching and hugging, but he was never going to be that receptive.

The younger girls, to his relief, shook his hand instead. Adriana he recognized by her strong resemblance to Cassie; Langston he knew by the possessive way her arm linked itself through Starr's.

David Vickers, the sole man who had been invited to this party, didn't bother to get up from where he was downing scotch to acknowledge Todd. That suited Todd fine.

After an hour or so of speeches, alcohol, and bad fish, Dorian made her way over to their table. "The beautiful blondes are my nieces, the beautiful brunettes are my daughters," she was saying to someone. As her companion turned away, she added in a low voice, "and the bastard son of my former husband was not invited."

"Believe me," said Todd, who was willing to be nice to Addie and even Kelly, but who definitely drew the line at Dorian, "The last thing I wanted to do was come and see proof that 51 percent of the Pennsylvania electorate is as incredibly stupid as I was always afraid they were."

Dorian squinted at him, then turned her attention to Blair. "I appreciate that you got him to wash his hair, but I wish you hadn't done this. A matrilineal dynasty is something that's so rare in our society, and I wanted to highlight that my girls are able to be away from the men in their lives for a week- even wonderful men like Joey and Markko."

"Didn't you tell me that I couldn't bring Markko because you didn't want to invite River because you were afraid he'd try to hook up with Adriana?" asked Langston innocently.

"Mother!" objected Cassie and Adriana simultaneously. When Adriana's face contorted in anger, she looked more like her Vega side and less like Cassie. Todd felt sorry for her. A young woman stuck with both Cramer and Vega DNA had an uphill battle to fight.

"Thank you, Langston," said Dorian drily.

"You're welcome," said Langston sunnily.

"Well, Joey sends you his best wishes," said Kelly obsequiously.

Blair rolled her eyes at Cassie.

"Don't roll your eyes, Blair," said Dorian.

"Yes, they might stick that way," warned Starr.

"You're not helping," said Dorian.

"I wasn't trying to," said Starr.

"Why don't you try to set a better example for Hope than your mother decided to set for you today?" Dorian suggested.

"Why don't you leave my daughter alone, Dory?" asked Addie. "She just reunited her family and she didn't want to split them up for a week. Respect her decision."

"I don't think you'd be as eager to respect her decision if you had a clear picture of what went on the last time she was involved with that man."

"I have a clear picture of what's going on now."

"I don't think you do."

"Why don't you just leave?" David finally asked Todd.

"Gladly," said Todd, and he and Blair and their children vacated the premises.

"That's the second big family reunion kind of thing you've run away from halfway through in three months," Jack pointed out as the piled into the cab to go back to their hotel. Jack had barely said a word all through the dinner.

"I prefer to think of it as escaping," Todd told him.

***

Blair got into bed as soon as was humanly possible. The Cramer drama really hadn't been that bad, but her head hurt and she was exhausted. Her stomach hurt, too, and Todd's suggestion that she had food poisoning from the fish made her feel even worse.

She drifted almost instantly into troubling dreams. Some of them made little sense; when she roused herself from the vision of blueberries growing out of her body, she knew that there was no reason to take it seriously and rested her hand on Todd's hip for security. (Todd was wide awake and playing Angry Birds on his iPad in the hopes that a high score would impress Sam- as if Sam didn't worship him anyway.)

"Feeling better?" he asked as a pig exploded on his screen.

"No," she said, and went back to sleep.

This time, it was worse. Spencer Truman had backed her into a small basement room. She ran away from him and locked herself upstairs to call the police. She dropped the phone when she saw a young man bound and gagged in her closet. She tried to help him, but he untangled himself.

She looked him in the eye and knew who he was. "Jeff," she said.

She knew, too, that she was asleep. If Jeff had lived, he would have been younger than Sam. She tried to wake herself up; it didn't take.

Jeff didn't say anything, but the horrible look he gave her let her know that she had made a mistake. Jeff was working with Spencer.

"You weren't Spencer's son," she told him. "You were Walker's. I wanted to call you Jeff because it means 'peace.'"

Jeff snapped his fingers and two more men appeared. One was Brendan; the other was the first child she had lost, called Todd Junior in the depths of her mind where Todd couldn't tell her that under no circumstances would he stand for his son carrying his name.

She didn't know what her dead sons meant to do to her. They didn't have to touch her to make her stomach explode in pain and her eyes, finally, fly open.

"Are you all right?" Todd asked again.

"I need a hospital," she managed around a hot wave of pain. She couldn't blame the tiredness on her houseful of children and her stable of mentally unbalanced relatives. She couldn't blame the stomach pains on the fish. "I think I'm having a miscarriage."


	4. Chapter 4

Todd ducked into the girls' bedroom and was reminded, with a stab of disappointment, that Starr had stayed out with her cousin Langston. He could have used his Shorty's level head right about now. Hope was sleeping peacefully, at least.

In the boys' bedroom, Sam, too, was asleep. Jack was watching a movie which he hastily shut off when Todd entered the room, as if Todd would have given a shit whether Jack was watching gunplay or porn.

"I have to take your mother to the hospital. Stay with Hope and Sam. If Hope wakes up crying—"

Jack waved Todd off. "I've been dealing with Hope longer than you have. I play her some heavy metal and she shuts up," he said witheringly. "What's wrong with Mom?"

"It might be a miscarriage," Todd said, frighteningly ready to grab Jack by the throat if Jack made this about proof that his parents had had sex. But he couldn't very well lie to Jack, not with everything that had passed between them since the day of Jack's birth. "She's had two before—"

Jack shook his head. "Three."

"Three?"

"There was one before Starr was born when she tricked you into marrying her. There was one where the father was Cole's dad. And then about five years ago…" A shadow passed over Jack's face at the memory. He lowered his voice. "It was awful. They took us out of school to say goodbye to her. They thought she was going to die. They never told me that, somehow I was supposed to be too dumb to realize it. But she went off the roof and then Spencer Truman attacked her in the hospital, and…"

Todd stood mesmerized, waiting for Jack to say more.

"Dad!" Jack snapped. Todd jerked to attention. Jack still didn't call him "Dad" very often; it was usually a matter of life and death when he did. "I've got it. Take care of Mom."

"I love you," said Todd, and he clapped Jack on the shoulder. A shock shot through his hand when he touched his son, as if he was being reminded by fate that he had tempted it. He had pretended that Jack was dead even though he knew what it felt like to lose a baby and he might well be about to find out again.

"Go!" ordered Jack, and he pointed at the door. "And text me," he added, just before Todd got Blair out of their suite.

* * *

Blair didn't like to cry, but this time she gave up the fight before she and Todd even reached the hospital. She cried with each wave of cramps as she thought of her three dead boys and the one who was soon to join them. She cried as she tried to count the glasses of wine and cups of coffee that she wouldn't have inflicted on her youngest son if she had admitted to herself that she was showing signs of pregnancy.

By the time she stumbled into a hospital gown—clean and folded, but well used and fraying at the ties—her cheeks were sticky and her eyes were sore.

She couldn't choke out more than a few words to the nurse who got her situated or the doctor who examined her. She couldn't even answer Todd, who firmly announced that he was her husband and no he would not wait outside. She felt Todd's presence all around her. An hour ago, that had been bliss. Now it was a string of bad memories as he told her that their first baby was dead. And that Brendan was dead. And that Jack was dead.

"She is pregnant?" Todd asked more than once, disbelieving and frantic.

"She is," the nurse told him every time, and Blair turned her head away because she didn't want to watch the nurse commiserating with Todd over how a woman of Blair's age could possibly have been stupid enough not to prevent this or acknowledge what was happening to her body.

Several times, the doctor and nurse asked her to look at something. She refused. She did not want to see.

She had never been conscious for any of her miscarriages; she had merely woken up to be told that Todd Junior or Brendan or Jeff was gone. Slowly she came to realize that miscarriage, when not accompanied by a car accident or a trip off the roof, was not unpleasant. The cramps faded to nothing and warmth spread through her.

"Is it over?" she asked at last. She did think it could possibly be. There was not enough blood; there was not enough pain.

"I think you're through the worst of it, Blair." The doctor beamed at her like they were old friends, and like Blair's soaked, reddened face was pretty to her. "We'll move you upstairs and keep you for the rest of the night just in case. And you will go see your own doctor just as soon as you get home."

"Blair, look." She suddenly became aware that Todd had been stroking her hair. With his other hand, he put a printout of a sonogram under her nose. "Hands, feet, fingers, toes," he told her excitedly. "We couldn't see anything this detailed when you were three months pregnant with Starr."

"This technology gets better and better all the time," the nurse agreed. "People who had a baby just a few years ago are surprised when they come back."

"Starr turned twenty this month," Todd said proudly. "It's been a while."

Blair gingerly touched her belly with her fingertips, truly registering for the first time that it had been coated with gel and then patted dry. They had done the ultrasound while her mind had been elsewhere. "He's still there? Still alive?" she asked.

"He's doing very well," the doctor said gently. "We can't tell for sure that he's a he just yet."

"He is," Blair said weakly. They always were.

"She's never wrong," Todd bragged. "She knew Starr was a girl way before the tests came back. Just said she had a feeling."

Blair closed her eyes against Todd's joy. She wondered how Todd could be so naïve as not to realize that they were taking this little boy home to die inside of her like the others had.

* * *

When Blair awoke, she was in a different room and Cassie and Kelly were sitting at her bedside.

"Blair is so lucky," Kelly was pouting. "She always has been. She's always been able to get pregnant without even trying, and at her age?"

"You're not that young yourself," Cassie told her.

"I know that! Zane was my one and only shot, and even he was a miracle. It was a miracle I got pregnant at all, and then a miracle that he survived. It's harder at thirty than at twenty-five, and once you hit thirty-five…" Kelly made a crash and burn sound. "Blair's over forty!"

"I don't think it's a record or anything."

"She wasn't using fertility drugs," Kelly rambled on. "She wasn't even trying! All Todd has to do is look at her!"

"So you said, Kelly."

"Aren't you a little jealous? When you lost your William, you went completely crazy, right? And you tried everything to have another baby and you couldn't."

"I know that. I was there."

"It was like that for me, too, when I lost Kevin's son. I was so desperate I stole another woman's baby. And Blair just—"

"I'm in the room, Kelly," Blair put in at last, when she thought that the sound of her younger cousin's voice might lead her to puncture her own eardrums.

"Blair!" Cassie and Kelly jumped to be closer to her.

"Where's Todd?" Blair asked Cassie. She was surprised that he had left. Either she had slept longer than she'd thought, or he and Dorian had killed each other.

"He's here. I'll go get him," said Cassie.

"No!" Blair's heart began to pound. The last thing she wanted to do was see Todd's inexplicably happy face. He'd nearly been jumping up and down when the doctor had told them that baby appeared to be doing well.

"Okay, I won't." Cassie eyed Blair with concern and gave her arm a squeeze. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do." Cassie jerked her head at Kelly to indicate that she should leave. Kelly obeyed. "What's wrong, Honey?" Cassie asked softly. "Did Todd do something?"

"No. Todd's wonderful. He's great with the kids, he's romantic with me, he's getting used to having his life back." She choked on her next words. "He's happy. He wants this baby."

"And you don't?"

"I know he's not going to live. I can't let myself get attached to him, but I don't know how to stop Todd."

On cue, Dorian banged into the room. "Stop Todd from doing what?" she asked. "I promise you, Blair, we can stop Todd from doing it. I'm so thrilled. Two wonderful things happened today- another Cramer baby, and you've finally seen the light about Todd."

Cassie made a slashing gesture across her throat. The threat looked so ridiculous coming from her gentle cousin, and Dorian's loathing for Todd was so predictable, that Blair laughed. The laugh felt out of place in her grief-wracked body.

"Well, what has Todd done?" Dorian asked, her eyes darting from Blair to Cassie. "All Kelly said was that I was needed in here."

"Todd has not done anything," Cassie explained for Blair, who had lain back and closed her eyes again. "Blair is concerned that she will lose this baby and that that loss will hurt Todd."

Dorian's hands fluttered simultaneously to Blair's head, abdomen, and medical chart. "Are you in pain again, Blair? The doctors assured me that you were asymptomatic, and I reviewed the test results myself. Everything looks regular. Of course it's unfortunate that you didn't start on prenatal vitamins sooner, and you'll need to eat better and sleep more, but this shows every sign of being a healthy pregnancy. Everything's perfect except the father."

"I've lost three babies, Dorian. Even Starr and Jack were premature," Blair said without opening her eyes. No one but her seemed to remember this.

"You lost three pregnancies as a result of severe physical trauma. No one is going to throw you off a roof this time."

"I'm a lot older now. I'm a grandmother. Kelly is right. I'm too old to do this."

Dorian inhaled sharply. "Cassie, go out and send Adriana in, please."

Cassie exchanged a look with her mother and did as she asked. A moment later, Adriana appeared. She offered a perfunctory get-well wish to Blair and plastered herself as far away from Blair's bed as possible.

"Blair, open your eyes," Dorian ordered in a tone that no one in her right mind would ignore. "Open your eyes and take a good look at Adriana, please. Adriana." Dorian made a twirling gesture; Adriana spun like a model on a runway. "Good. I do like that color on you," Dorian added parenthetically. "Isn't that a good color on Adriana, Blair?"

"Dandy," muttered Blair sarcastically.

"You will notice that Adriana is beautiful and perfect in every way, inside and out, just like all of my other girls. And you will recall that Adriana was born after my first grandchild and that I was perhaps not in my twenties or my thirties at the time."

A flutter of hope rose up in Blair's chest. She did her best to stop it. For her own good, her expectations needed to stay low.

"You know," Dorian continued conversationally, "I never planned for Cassie. I thought I was too young. If terminating a pregnancy had been a realistic option at the time, I might have done it. I never planned for you either, as you well know." Blair couldn't quite bring herself to smile. "You stormed into my life with no warning whatsoever. And then Kelly, Melinda hardly asked my permission or told me how Kelly came to be. I certainly did not plan to have a child with Carlotta Vega's crimelord brother." She nodded at Adriana. Adriana shrugged. "You were there, Blair, when Langston walked into La Boulaie with her skull necklaces and blue streaks in her hair and her stories about her parents who were mysteriously out of town. I still knew right away that we had a special connection. Every one of you was a happy accident and I can't stand the thought of a life without all of you."

Blair did her best not to see Dorian's point. Dorian wasn't having it.

"You know how that is," Dorian continued. "Starr, you tried for. Jack, too. But you certainly didn't expect to acquire Sam the way you did, or dream of becoming a grandmother at forty. And now you wouldn't trade Sam or Hope for anything, just like you won't let fear stop you from embracing this new life the way he or she needs you to."

"Of course not," Blair said numbly. She couldn't remain detached. It wasn't good for the life growing inside of her.

Dorian cast an admiring look at Adriana. "Even though I knew I would have to give Adriana up for her own good, being pregnant with her was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I knew what to expect. I knew what was important. I wasn't a young woman afraid that motherhood would keep me from making my mark on the world. I let myself enjoy the bliss, and enjoy loving her while she was with me. It wasn't the same frantic, nerve-wracking experience it was with Cassie. Pregnancy mixed with wisdom?" Dorian smiled again at Adriana, and then at Blair. "It's magnificent."

Blair decided to be open to the possibility.


	5. Chapter 5

Todd let the Crazy Cramer Coven take charge of Blair once she was settled into her room. He didn't want to leave her alone even while she slept, but he had to check in on Jack and try again to reach Starr. Apparently, she and Langston had turned their phones off when they'd gotten to wherever they were going—some sort of improv comedy performance, if Todd remembered correctly.

Jack remained rock solid and full of assurances that Sam and Hope were fine and Todd had nothing to worry about on that front. Jack could be a magnificent young man when the mood struck him.

Not that Todd had ever doubted it.

Okay, Todd had doubted it, but not very often and only a little bit.

He was so surprised and relieved when Starr answered her phone, too, that he nearly hung up from not knowing what to say.

"Why do you keep calling me?" Starr burst out before he could say anything. "Is this something that's important in the real world, or just in Todd Manning world?"

"We thought your mother was having a miscarriage!" Todd snarled more harshly than he'd meant to. He still hadn't adjusted to a world where Starr didn't always take him seriously. That probably would have happened with Starr's increasing age, anyway, but sometimes it felt like she was one more person punishing him for the things Walker Laurence had done in his name. "She and the baby are fine now, but we're at the hospital."

He could feel her demeanor change over the non-existent telephone line. "I'll be right there. Which hospital? Do you need anything? Like, for Hope and Sam?"

"Jack stayed at the hotel with Sam and Hope."

"I'll go sit with the kids and Jack can go to the hospital with you," Langston said from somewhere close to Starr.

"Jack is fine. They're better off with someone who knows them," Todd told Langston.

"I've known them both since they were born," Langston pointed out, and somehow that pissed Todd off, too. Where did this girl he'd barely ever seen get off being so close to his family while he was still fighting to learn about them? She knew all about Starr's adolescent adventures and she knew all about Sam and Hope as tiny babies. She had probably known the details of Blair being thrown off a building and losing a pregnancy, too.

"That's a good idea, Lang. Thanks." Of course Starr would side with Langston over Todd. "Jack and I will be there soon, Dad."

And Starr hung up.

Todd slammed his phone into his pocket and decided to take the long way back to Blair's room so he wouldn't kill Dorian where she stood. He imagined her knowing, vindictive face. Her precious Langston- the girl who had actually chosen Dorian as her mother- had probably already called to gloat about how she had successfully gotten Starr to side with her over Todd.

His ears rang with Walker Laurence's gloating that all of Todd's children chose to love him. "Even Starr. She surprised me. No one noticed that you were gone. No one cared. I'll just take this new baby, too."

Todd circled through the halls and turned back down the corridor that led to Blair's room, but it wasn't the corridor that led to Blair's room. It stretched further into the distance than he could see. Every inch of wall seemed to be covered with doors, and the smell of blood and excrement and bleach assaulted his nose. It smelled like the interrogation room of a paramilitary facility.

If Irene and Mitch weren't dead- if Baker and Allison weren't in prison- this was where they were, shocking their captives and bleeding their captives white and demanding to know about some ridiculous unspecified it.

Todd jogged backwards, retracing his steps. He jumped into the elevator and went down to the first floor. It would be easier to find Blair's room if he started over.

The elevator doors closed and his chest tightened. Irene could capture him here. She could stop the elevator and murder him. That was how they had gotten rid of Walker Laurence's lookalike, leaving Walker to pretend to be Todd.

Todd's heart pounded erratically. Gasping for breath, he crouched on the floor of the elevator. When the doors creaked open, he launched himself through them.

This corridor was less well-lit than the other one and with fewer doors. Belatedly, fuzzily, he remembered that the hospital lobby was not on the first floor; it was on the second. But he was not getting back on the elevator. There must be stairs somewhere. He would find them. He liked his chances in a fight on the stairs even if he would have to fight uphill.

The corridor got darker as he ran along it. He slipped or tripped or had the floor removed from beneath him. In any case, he was on the floor and perfectly vulnerable to attack. He couldn't try to escape now. He had to hide and catch his breath, or not. Perhaps, irony of ironies, he would die here. Blair would deliver their last baby as she had their first: without him.

With shocking clarity, he knew that Blair was wrong when she said that their child was a boy. This baby would be a girl. A girl like Starr. A girl like Starr who wouldn't know him from Walker Laurence and would rather take advice from some kid wearing skull-shaped jewelry than from him.

Todd crawled to the nearest door and opened it.

For a moment, he thought that he saw the chair. He waited for strong arms to strap him into it and give him his last shock. But then, as his eyes adjusted to the dark, he saw that it was only an examination table pushed against the wall.

He dragged himself under it, pulled his knees to his aching chest, and waited to suffocate.

He couldn't take a breath.

* * *

The hotel happened to be between the theater and the hospital, so Starr peeked in on a sleeping Sam and Hope while she exchanged Langston for Jack. Then she and Jack made a beeline for the hospital.

It was like every other hospital Starr had ever visited: buzzing, dim and twisting. She hated it at once, and she knew Todd and Blair must have hated it on sight, too.

The chatter of familiar voices improved the atmosphere marginally.

"Aunt Dorian?" Starr asked, because there was no doubt who was in charge.

"Starr!" Dorian threw her arms open as if Starr was a conquering heroine. "But where is Langston?"

"She went to stay with Sam and Hope so Jack could be here."

"Oh," said Dorian. "That was thoughtful, but Jack doesn't really want to be here, do you, Jack? It's not a very... male... situation. Even your father has disappeared, not that I'm complaining."

Starr rolled her eyes and took Jack's hand to lead him into their mother's room like she would have done when he was a little boy. She reflected, not for the first time, that Dorian's pride in her Cramer girls and women lost something when it necessitated the complete dismissal of the Cramer boys and men.

It was strange to lead Jack by the hand now that he towered over her. It was even stranger that he let her.

Starr made a beeline for her mother's bed and climbed up beside her. "I'm so sorry," she said immediately. "I've been letting you help out so much with Hope, and you must have felt so tired and sick. I felt awful for the whole first trimester. But as soon as we get home, I'm getting you those rice crackers. They were the only things I could stand for, like, weeks."

Blair hugged Starr and grabbed Jack to pull him close enough for a kiss. "Listening to my daughter give me advice on being pregnant is not something I ever expected to do."

Starr shrugged. "So how many weeks are you?"

"Eleven or twelve," said Blair vaguely.

Starr did some quick math. "So, Halloween? A wedding night baby? That's romantic."

Jack's chair scraped across the floor before tumbling over with a clatter. "Starr! God!" He headed for the door.

"Aunt Dorian and all her Cramer women are still out there. You'll be the only y-chromosome in sight," Starr taunted. It served Jack right for ruining their close family moment. Starr had started reporting on Blair and Max's attempts at baby-making for Todd almost as soon as she could talk. Her level of comfort with her parents' sex lives was weird to almost everyone else on the planet, but it felt like home to her.

Jack muttered something rude under his breath and returned to Blair's side.

"Mom," he told her earnestly, taking her hands in his. "This has to be a boy. It just has to."

"I'll see what I can do," Blair told him. From the way Blair beamed at Jack, Starr suspected that her mother already knew.

Starr cuddled closer to Blair. "Do you have a feeling?"

"I do think it's a boy."

"Yes!" said Jack.

"Figures," said Starr. For all Dorian's hue and cry about women, Starr had been the only girl born in her generation. For the past three years, she had had to share her spotlight with Hope, but that was all right; Hope was a part of her. "It's always boys."

"It is," said Blair softly, and she reached out to touch Jack again. Starr shivered inwardly at the memory of past losses.

"It will be so much fun for Hope to have an uncle younger than she is," Starr said, attempting to make the conversation more upbeat again. "You know she's always going to call him Uncle so-and-so sarcastically when they're out on the playground together."

"Maybe," Blair agreed.

"Is Dad happy?" Starr prompted. She thought he must be. If he wasn't, she would need to start damage control. Everyone knew what happened when Blair was pregnant and Todd wasn't happy about it.

Jack caught on to her thought and scowled. Starr mouthed at him to shut up, and he made an innocent face as if he hadn't been thinking of asking Blair whether Todd was going to give this baby away, too.

"He is." Starr and Jack glanced at each other again. Something was being held back. "Anyway, I don't want anyone to tell Sam or Hope yet. That way we don't have to explain what happened if this baby doesn't make it."

"Is there a reason to worry about that?" Starr asked. "You're just about through the rough part. It's really hard to miscarry after the first trimester."

"You had a very safe, very healthy pregnancy. I don't have that history."

"I got the good pregnancy genes from somewhere," Starr retorted.

"Just don't tell Hope or Sam, okay?"

"Okay," Starr agreed. She hugged Blair again. "But I still think everything will be all right. Jack and I are ready to be a big brother and sister again, aren't we?"

Jack nodded. "Totally ready, Mom."

* * *

Todd's eyes were burning, so he rubbed them and discovered that he'd been crying. He stood up, banging his head painfully on the table in the process, and found a box full of rough, musty tissues. They were better than nothing. He did his best to dry his face and straighten his clothes.

The thought of getting on the elevator still turned his stomach, but he found a stairwell at the end of the hall and trooped up to the lobby. From there, he asked for and received directions to his wife's room. No one told him that Blair was Walker Laurence's wife, not his.

He skillfully ignored Dorian and her sycophants and found Blair, Starr, and Jack talking happily. Blair looked much better than she had when he'd left her. Hopefully she was still distracted enough not to guess that he'd spent the best part of the past hour cowering in a corner of the basement.

Starr bounced off of Blair's bed and hugged him hello. Hollowly, Todd returned the hug and thanked Jack again for keeping a cool head in an emergency. Then he asked them both to leave him alone with Blair.

They acquiesced, but Starr gave him her usual I-know-everything look.

He stared back at her. She didn't know everything unless he told her everything, and he wasn't going to. He wasn't going to tell Blair, either, of course; she had had more than enough to deal with that day as it was.

"Hi," he said to Blair.

"Hi," she patted the spot on her bed that Starr had vacated. He took it gratefully and basked in the warmth and closeness. "Where have you been?"

"Tracking down the kids, and then I thought you'd need some time with them," he lied smoothly. The best part was that it wasn't entirely a lie. It wasn't a lie at all, really. "Then I took a little walk so I wouldn't have to look at Dorian."

"Dorian was great. She really made me feel a little better about this." She gestured at her stomach. "A lot more hopeful."

"Are you angry at me?" Todd blurted out before he could stop himself.

"Because you don't like Dorian? Todd, that isn't news. I appreciate you not picking a fight."

"No, for..." He trailed off and rubbed her stomach. He knew that it was too early to feel the baby; Blair wasn't even showing. But he could almost sense the young presence nonetheless.

Blair laughed. The sound sent a shock down Todd's battered nerves. "It takes two to do that, doesn't it? Besides, I was the one whose birth control didn't work."

"And I was the one who- well, you know how when couples want to have a baby, they tell the man to let... things... build up? It was almost nine years. Of course you were going to get pregnant."

That made Blair laugh harder. She grabbed Todd to hug him, and Todd didn't bother to be insulted because it felt so good to have her arms around him. The last remnants of his memories of Irene's facility faded away.

"You didn't do anything before that day in the elevator?"

"You didn't want to."

"Not exactly true." Blair smiled impishly, and Todd's blood got even warmer. "But, nothing by yourself?"

"My body was messed up." That seemed like too much of an opening to tell her what had just happened. He rushed on. "It didn't have a lot of appeal, and so much shit was happening. Plus I kept getting thrown in jail. I don't want Bo Buchanan for an audience, thank you."

"Neither would I." Blair ran her finger gently down his scar, then kissed his cheek. "Makes your performance in the elevator even more impressive, though."

His whole body stiffened at the mention of elevators.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm just afraid that you're going to get cute and call the kid Otis or something. Otis Elevator Manning."

"Todd!" She squirmed playfully away from him. "Fine. You can name him. We always say you named Starr, but you didn't really get to be there, and you let me name Jack. You didn't even know about Dani."

"Nah." He traced a circle on her stomach. "You always pick the right name. When I found out what you named Starr..."

"Yes?"

"I thought it was stupid. Like, 'come on, Blair, you do realize I was being metaphorical, right? And now our daughter has a name like a trailer trash new ager.' But every single day that name fit her better and better. She's always been our star. She burns. She shines." He stroked Blair's stomach again. "I want this baby, but if you don't..."

If she didn't, he didn't know what he was going to do.

"Todd, we've told the kids and we're talking about names."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"Technically, you didn't ask a question." He made a face. "Yes, of course I want this baby."

"Good. And this time, I promise. No drama. We're going to have this baby together and we're going to raise this baby together. No one is running off to Ireland or Mexico or anywhere else. You aren't going to be stressed out for one second between now and July."

And he had already started protecting Blair from the crazy, stressful mess in his head.


	6. Chapter 6

Blair's optimism about her pregnancy was wearing off again by the time she and Todd marched into another exam room, this one in Llanview. Jack was in rare form that morning and his helpful hints about making sure that her doctor couldn't be blackmailed over her drug-addict son didn't improve Blair's mood at all.

She had carried four boys when she'd been younger and her body had been prepared to do this instead of slipping toward the change-of-life. Only Jack had survived.

She submitted to the exam and was able to pay more attention this time to the tests and the reassurances and the ultrasound. She tried to put Dorian's advice about wisdom into use and at least relish the thought that Todd was there with her. No questions about paternity. No questions about conception date. No question that he loved her.

Blair smiled at Todd and Todd smiled back, and nodded at the screen displaying their youngest child.

"Do you want to know the gender?" Dr. Wright asked after giving them some time to observe.

"Isn't it too early?"

"It is early, but I'm sure. Looks like maybe this baby wants you to know, if you want to."

Blair glanced at Todd, who gave her an encouraging, noncommittal nod. "Your decision."

"Yes," said Blair, and her palms started to sweat. The answer would make their situation all the more real.

Dr. Wright pointed. "The angle doesn't leave any doubt. This is a little girl."

Blair sat up so abruptly that she upset the machine.

"I'm sorry. We'll pay for it," she stammered while she kept herself from screaming with relief. A girl? She had only been pregnant with a girl once, and while the experience had not been a walk in the park, at least Starr had lived.

No more dead little boys.

Dr. Wright told her to lie back again, but she couldn't do it. All she could do was hug Todd and feel his arms around her like she had so many years ago when they'd been expecting Starr.

"A girl!" She repeated over and over. She hadn't given any real thought to the possibility. Now there were adorable little dresses and adorable little dolls to be bought and she couldn't wait to get started. "Two girls and two boys."

It was so perfect it was incomprehensible.

_A girl!_

* * *

_"A girl?"_ groaned Jack when he and Sam had been dragged away from their Z-Box marathon and made to sit at the table for a Very Important Discussion. The appointment had left Blair ready to include Sam in the discussion. Hope she would leave up to Starr's judgment.

"I know you wanted another brother," Blair said, trying to be sensitive to Jack's disappointment even though she was unable to remove the broad smile from her face. "But a sister won't be so bad."

"Aunt Dorian will be happy, right, Sam?" Jack nudged Sam's small shoulder. "She'll be all 'Another Cramer Woman! My nieces finally stopped disappointing me with all those boys!'"

Sam laughed. Blair hoped that it was only because Jack's Dorian impression was really quite good, and not because Sam had started to sense Dorian's personal style of sexism.

"Your Aunt Dorian has never been disappointed when babies turned out to be boys and not girls," Blair soothed.

Todd caught her eye over Sam and Jack's heads. An almost imperceptible headshake and a quick gnashing of teeth were all it took. Blair tried again.

"Sometimes it seems like she favors girls over boys because when she was growing up, she didn't know any beautiful, smart, brave, kind boys like you. She only knew girls, and she got used to things being that way. So sometimes she forgets. But she wouldn't really love this baby any less if she were a boy, and she doesn't love the two of you any less than she loves Starr and Hope. Remember, Sam, how she told you that you were her hero last summer when you played Spiderman on your birthday and you saved her?"

"Yeah!" agreed Sam happily, and Jack let it slide with an eyeroll that made him look like his father.

"How did the baby get inside you, anyway?" Sam asked, switching gears in a way that only he could.

Jack whispered something in Sam's ear. Based on Sam's emphatic "GROSS!" Blair assumed that Jack had told Sam some version of the truth. Jack laughed uproariously at Sam's wide, horror-filled eyes until Sam bolted away from the table and ran back to the safety of the video game.

Todd clapped Jack on the shoulder. "Since you find this whole thing so funny, you and I obviously need to have a nice, long talk about how serious it really is."

Jack's laughter died in his throat. It was his turn to be horrified. "Look, I'm sorry. We don't have to- I know- no way. We barely know each other."

Blair grinned. Todd had always had a magnificent ability to make the punishment fit the crime. "Then you'll know each other better after you've had that conversation, won't you?" she asked Jack sweetly. "But not right now. Your father will find just the right time to talk to you, but first he needs to undo the damage you did with Sam. In the meantime, you can think about how you want that conversation to go."

On cue, Todd gave chase to Sam. "Hey, Sam, buddy, we need to talk."

Jack stomped off in the other direction, nearly colliding with Starr, whose arms were full of shiny new textbooks. The spring term at Llanview University would start in just a few days.

"Watch it!" said Starr.

"You win. Mom's having a girl," said Jack.

Starr's books hit the kitchen floor with a tremendous clatter.

* * *

"A girl?" Starr sought Blair's confirmation as she stood in the middle of her messy pile of books. She wasn't even certain that she had spoken aloud through her shock.

"Yes," said Blair. Her eyes were teary and her arms were open and Starr's body did what it knew it was supposed to do without any input from her mind. She hugged Blair and told her that this was great news and any girl would be lucky to have her for a mother. "I'm glad one of you is happy," Blair whispered into Starr's hair. "Your brothers didn't take it well."

Of course they hadn't. Jack was an idiot and Sam barely out of babyhood himself. It was always Starr's job to do and say the right thing even when she felt like the world had just ended and she had no idea why.

"Maybe we'll celebrate later tonight when the boys have calmed down," Blair was saying.

Starr had never wanted to do anything less in her entire life. Again, her mouth worked without any input from her brain. "About that. When I was driving home I realized that I really need to be on campus this evening. Orientation kind of things. I meant to sign up for my labs and I didn't-"

"Didn't you tell me yesterday that you can do that online?"

Damn her mother for listening when she talked. "Well, yes, but I heard today that you get a much better chance at getting your first choice if you do it in person, especially if you're only a sophomore. I'm thinking of staying on campus tonight with my friend Susie, if that's okay with you?"

"I never heard you mention a Susie before. I mean, not since you were Sam's age and you used to carpool with a girl named Susie." Starr was about to spin an elaborate tale about this non-existent Susie- who, truthfully, she had named after her preschool playmate- when Blair ended the line of questioning. "Never mind. Of course you should stay on campus tonight. Don't worry about Hope."

"Thanks. You're the best. Oh, congratulations," said Starr as she managed to collect her books and shove them out of the way.

She arrived again at Llanview University without really knowing how she'd gotten there.

She had never, not for a second, thought that this baby might be a girl.

Blair had said it would be a boy.

Blair always had boys. Jack was a boy. Sam was a boy. The baby who had died when Blair and Spencer Truman had fallen off a roof had been a boy. The baby who had, rather ickily, been both her brother and Cole's had been a boy. The baby her parents had lost before her birth had been a boy. Even her cousins Zane and River were boys.

She was the only girl. She was the one who got invitations to Dorian's parties and didn't have to crash. She was the one who felt noble when she defended her brothers and cousins while still selfishly, secretly reveling in the attention that came with being the favored one.

She had lost it once.

She didn't want to lose it again.

_"This is your sister, Dani," _Matthew had said almost like an afterthought. Her parents hadn't bothered to warn her. Why would they? She had been halfway out of their world by then, an engaged teenage mother who had moved on to a new life and a new family.

Walker had been thrilled, of course. Dani had been the apple of his eye, everything Starr no longer was. Once Walker had bragged on Starr's intellect; now he sat in awe of Dani's. Once Walker had praised Starr's beauty; now his eyes followed Dani everywhere. Once Starr had been Walker's partner, even to the point of breaking him out of a police van; now he barely noticed her except to hold her up to Dani as an example of what not to do.

She had thought to herself that her father seemed like two different people: one who had encouraged her every step of the way, and one who had replaced her with a new, shinier, purer model after telling her that her baby was dead and never feeling an ounce of remorse.

How right she had been. Walker wasn't Todd.

But now Todd would have his own replacement daughter.

She had scoffed every time that Jack claimed that since Walker had been programmed to be Todd, Todd would eventually act the same way Walker had.

A shiver ran down her body as she wondered if Jack had been right. Perhaps she had just gotten Todd back in order to lose him again.

She heard her own scream echo around the quad when someone grabbed her arm.

Heads turned to look; Rick Powers backed up a few feet. "No need for that, Starrfish! I called you three times and you didn't hear me."

This was just what Starr needed to turn her already monumentally bad day into one for the ages. Her skin crawled with revulsion. "If you're recruiting for the sequel to Hold the Diploma, I'm not interested."

"It's called _Hold the Pickle_, and the lead is a plucky scholarship student working in the dining hall. You, my Starrshine, are completely wrong for the part. You scream oppressed old money. You've never felt desperate or spontaneous in your life." He rushed on before Starr could object. "We need to talk about your musical future."

"I have no musical future." She had no future of any kind. Cole was in prison; James hated her; Hope needed a mother and couldn't wait for Starr to be ready; Langston and Markko lived 3000 miles away; and in six months her parents would have a replacement daughter.

"Not if you keep ignoring me."

"That idiot Baz sold you the rights to my song. I won't work with you. We have nothing to discuss unless you want to sell the rights back to me." She turned on her heel, intending to stomp off to anywhere where she wouldn't be accosted by a sleazy porn director slash music producer.

"That's what I mean, Starrbucks," Rick called after her. "Wound too tight to have a conversation with me, let alone hold the pickle. Too prissy-perfect, aren't you? Daddy's little girl, not your own woman."

Starr scowled. No, the perfect one was Dani. The perfect one was the new baby who would never mistake Todd for Walker or do terrible things to Blair at her father's command. Rick had no idea who he was dealing with. If she acted for a second like the crazy women in his ridiculous films, Rick would run away with his tail between his legs, just like poor Schuyler Joplin had when she'd stripped down for him back in high school.

Mr. J. hadn't deserved that awkward ten minutes of fear and humiliation.

Rick Powers did.

For the first time that day, Starr smiled. She had walked in on a half-naked man chained to a funhouse wheel at the age of eight. She certainly wasn't intimidated by the likes of Rick Powers.

When she turned to face Rick again, her face was composed in its best Cramer Woman Takes What She Wants mask.

Rick stepped back.

A thrill of power washed through Starr. She couldn't control much, but she could control something.

"Rick," she crooned. She wasn't sure that she had ever called him by his name before. It felt surprisingly good in her mouth. Troublesome. Forbidden. Challenging.

"Starrwars? What just happened?"

"Well, I could tell you," Starr breathed. She stood on her toes to whisper in his ear; he leaned down to accommodate her as if by instinct. "But it might be more fun to show you."

"Show... me... what?" Rick looked like he could have been knocked over with a feather. Starr's power grew. She was ten feet tall, and she wasn't even wearing heels.

Starr stepped back, returning her face and voice to normal. "Show me your apartment," she said innocently. "We've been working together for months, and I've never even been there." It didn't matter that they hadn't been working together for months; he had purchased the rights to her song a few months ago, but she had never worked with him. She had certainly never expressed any interest in knowing where he lived. She was sure it was disgusting.

Disgusting like her, the girl who was too busy raising a three-year-old to even consider the Biology Department's term-long expedition to Paraguay, the kind of thing she'd been dreaming of since she'd been three years old herself. Disgusting like her, the girl who was thrown away when her father got a new daughter or her boyfriend went to prison. Disgusting like her, who had ensured that her father would be tortured for eight years when she pointed to Walker Laurence and insisted that he was her father.

Her grief must have flickered across her face, because Rick did a comical double take. Before he could confirm anything, though, Starr snapped back to herself. "Well?" she asked.

"This way," said Rick. He tripped and fell over the edge of the curb, sprawling inelegantly across the patch of frozen grass beside the campus store.

Starr laughed.

"Funny, Starrdust? I'll show you funny."

"If you think you can," she offered.

A few minutes later they were in Rick's apartment- which turned out not to be an apartment, but a room in the Minute Man Motel. She would have realized that if she had ever cared enough to think about it.

As soon as they were inside, she ripped off her sweater.

Rick kissed her.

So much for her plan to freak him out by coming on to him. Schuyler had been begging and pleading and hiding his eyes by this point.

It wasn't even a bad kiss. In fact, it was a remarkably good kiss that started soft and then teased and flirted and left her thinking that she wouldn't mind another.

She would have to go to Plan B (because of course she had a Plan B) and get him all worked up only to walk out on him.

Then Rick did something with his hands to get a reaction out of parts of her body she hadn't entirely known had existed. Cole certainly hadn't known about them.

It was time to pull away.

She did. She reached for her sweater and her coat.

"You're kidding!" Rick stood there looking dumbfounded.

Starr grinned.

She had won.

She was in control of something, somewhere, somehow.

She wanted to see what came next.

She didn't have much left to lose anyway.

She grinned. "Yeah, I'm kidding."

He kissed her again, and the rest of her clothes fell to the floor.


	7. Chapter 7

Starr woke herself up from a truly terrifying dream in which she had thrown herself at Rick Powers out of some toxic combination of self-loathing and heretofore undiscovered slutiness. Oddly, she felt deliciously relaxed rather than tight with fear.

Eyes still closed, she stretched out her arms. Her perfectly manicured green fingernails brushed against a warm, solid body.

Her entire being contracted in revulsion. It hadn't been a dream.

She nearly fell out of the bed in her haste to escape. Luckily the streetlights beamed resolutely into Rick's room at the Minute Man and it wasn't hard for her to find her clothes.

If her singing career hadn't been over before, it was now. She certainly wasn't going to have anything else to do with this man. The only singing she was going to do was to Hope, or maybe to herself. Safely inside her own head.

_One step, two steps  
Counting tiles on the floor  
Three steps, four steps  
Guess this means that I'm a whore…_

She didn't look at Rick's prone form as she left the room. If he was quietly awake and watching her, she didn't want to give him the satisfaction.

She did, however, look the few people she passed on the street straight in the eye.

She was Starr Fucking Manning and they'd better not assume that she was making a typical college student walk of shame. She did things to scare other people, not things to scare herself. She was anything but typical.

_I'm wearing last night's dress  
And I look like a hotass mess…_

When she made it to her car, she began to sing aloud, more for purposes of punishment than pleasure.  
_  
Please, God, don't let anybody see me.  
Please, God, I'll do anything you ask of me…_

If no one saw her, it didn't happen. She just had to be careful not to admit it to anyone—no one would believe Rick Powers, after all—and it wouldn't be real.

She parked her car and slunk through the back door of La Boulaie into the darkened kitchen.

No one had seen her. It wasn't real.

"Starr? Are you all right? You didn't stay with Susie?"

"Susie?" asked Starr, because right at that second her defeated, addled brain didn't remember the lie she had told her mother the previous afternoon.

"Yeah," Blair continued. She was sitting in the dark eating tomatoes and chocolate ice cream. She had craved that when she was pregnant with Jack, too, as Starr recalled. "You said that you were going to spend the night at the dorm with someone named—"

"Susie, right," Starr recovered. "I thought she was going to be there and she wasn't, and I got caught up talking to other people, and—"

"I don't know if I like you driving home at four thirty in the morning. Maybe we should see about getting you a room on campus if you want to stay over and you can't hook up with someone."

The bottom dropped out of Starr's stomach. It was no surprise that her mother could look at her and realize what she had been doing- Blair had certainly done similar things in her own life- but did she have to comment on it in such a blasé way? Just because Blair wasn't ashamed of herself for dealing with grief by throwing on a red dress and having the nearest man throw it off didn't mean Starr felt the same way.

"I wasn't out _hooking up_," Starr growled. "I'm not you."

Blair looked so surprised that Starr knew immediately that she had misinterpreted something. She was too tired to figure out what. Rage at her mother felt better than anything had felt in days, though, so she decided to go with that. "Starr-"

"This baby is Dad's, right?" Starr interrupted. "You weren't hanging out with Spencer Truman?" Nothing and no one Blair had ever done had made Starr as angry as Spencer Truman.

"What's going on?" Todd demanded, and Starr cringed. She should have known that he wouldn't be asleep in the middle of the night like a normal person. Of course he would have been floating around her mother and her midnight cravings. Blair had that effect on people.

"We were just talking," Blair said, ready to smooth everything over.

"Talking about Spencer Truman. The guy mom was _hooking up_ with when Walker was on death row. Did I ever tell you that at my very first high school dance, this bitch named Brittany made a slideshow about that? So everyone at the dance could make fun of me for having a slut for a mother. Everyone except Cole. That's why I always saved that cat costume, the one you put the computer chip in."

"Apologize to your mother," said Todd calmly.

Starr wasn't going to do that. She had changed the subject; no one was talking about or thinking about how she had turned out to be a slut, too, no matter how many times she had sworn she would never be. She needed to get upstairs and get changed and go anywhere that wasn't here.

Once she had locked herself in her room, she frantically scrubbed the remnants of yesterday's makeup off her face. The bottle of tinted moisturizer automatically fell into her hand to start the process anew.

_"Not enough people understand how much a concealer- or with your good skin, just a tinted moisturizer- can do. You put it on before the corrector. You might not need the corrector, even if you think you do. Not even for the circles under your eyes. Blend in the corrector later if you have to. Blending, not layering, for an everyday look."_

Starr had been getting makeup lessons from her mother and Aunt Dorian and their "consultants" since almost before she could talk. No one had ever much objected to her wearing makeup. When the other girls in school had been fighting with their mothers about whether they could wear bright red lipstick, she had been fighting with Blair about accusing Walker of rape or about Spencer Truman.

She had never been normal, no matter how much Cole had let her pretend.

Her hand froze above her face and then fell to her side, the dollop of moisturizer wasted, as she stared at herself in the mirror.

_"Who are you?"_

Suddenly she loathed her hair, currently dyed a popular platinum shade that looked nothing like the butter-yellow color she'd had naturally as a little girl. It had offended her that just as she had decided to be "normal" and care about her reputation, her hair had darkened from popular-girl blonde to a thoroughly uninteresting light brown. Of course, Blair hadn't given her an argument about dying her hair, either. Blair barely remembered what her own natural color was. Come to that, even Todd changed his hair color and style more often than any other man Starr had ever met.

Starr quickly changed her clothes and ran out of the house, car keys in hand. She ignored her parents' calls.

Blair and Dorian's preferred exclusive salon wouldn't be open, but the SuperCuts near L.U. was ready for customers 24-7, in case a college student needed a drunken makeover after an unfortunate frat party.

Starr wasn't drunk, and she hadn't exactly been at a frat party, but she was grateful to have somewhere to go where she could flash a picture of herself at the age of thirteen and ask that her hair be returned to its natural state.

She closed her eyes during the the twisting and setting and washing and trimming and drying. She might even have slept.

When she opened her eyes, she gasped in delight. She looked washed out and tired, but she looked like someone she hadn't seen in years. She was not someone who put control of her happiness in the hands of Rick Powers and then used him to destroy herself.

She looked like someone who could walk right back into La Boulaie and ask for a do-over and get back to her life.

_What life? Cole? Markko? Langston? James? Dani? All gone._

She tipped the hairdresser five times the price of the cut-and-color and decided that a cup of coffee from Hallowed Grounds would help get her mind running.

She almost backed out of the shop when she saw Jessica and Natalie happily ensconced in the corner booth. Then she remembered that she was Starr Fucking Manning and she didn't run away. If she didn't want to talk to her fucking cousins, she would look them in the eye and blow them off. They looked too engaged in their gossip- no doubt about their parents' impending nuptials- to notice her, anyway.

Starr had been wrong about a lot lately, and she was wrong about that, too. Jessica not only noticed Starr as she stood at the cash register but jumped out of her seat and grabbed Starr by the arms.

"Are you all right? You look terrible," said Jessica bluntly, and that sort of ruined the re-energized buzz Starr had going. If anything, it made her want to crumble and cry. Jessica hastened her back to the booth and pushed her into the farthest, safest corner. "What happened? What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Starr managed.

Natalie sniffed at Starr's hair. "No one gets a new haircut at seven in the morning when nothing is wrong. Especially not a color change."

"Where do you get your hair cut this time of day, anyway?" asked Jessica.

"SuperCuts," said Starr, happy for something that was almost like a change of subject.

"SuperCuts?" asked Jessica dubiously.

"People have gone there and survived," muttered Natalie in the way she did when she thought someone was looking down on her for having been raised away from the Buchanan-Lord riches.

"I know that!" returned Jessica. "It just doesn't seem very Starr. You had personal stylists and one of a kind designer dresses when you were Bree's age."

"Is this some kind of college years rebellion?" tried Natalie. "Because what I did was find my long lost twin sister- except then I thought we were switched at birth- and pretend to be her friend while I was actually-"

"We all know this story," said Jessica.

Natalie shrugged. "It has a happy ending."

Starr almost smiled, and that was lost on neither of the twins. "Is your family okay?" Jessica tried again, gently.

"They're fine."

"Did something happen with Cole?"

Starr snickered inwardly at the irony. It was a natural guess, though; for most of the past five years, if she had been upset, it had been about Cole. "Still in prison. Still not allowed to have visitors until Hope is old enough to go down there by herself. Still doesn't want to see me or talk to me, anyway."

"He just wants you to move on with your life," said Jessica generously. Starr buried her head in her hands. "I never thought I'd fall in love after I lost Nash, but I found Brody."

"So you didn't go have sex with someone you hated?" asked Starr. "Good for you."

"I have a whole other personality that does that," said Jessica, nonplussed. "I did get drunk and lose my virginity to my stepbrother, if that helps. And everyone knew about it because I got pregnant." She paused. "You did use protection, didn't you?"

"_Star Wars _condoms," Starr said as the memory came flooding back with a mixture of relief and horror. "They glowed in the dark." She buried her head in her hands again.

Jessica wisely didn't pursue that line of inquiry further. "This man you don't like- can he threaten you? Can he hurt you?"

"Does he have a girlfriend you do like? Or one who might throw you off a roof?" That was Natalie, of course.

"No."

"So the worst thing about this is that-"

"The worst thing is that it felt good. It isn't supposed to feel good when you don't love him, right? Just him knowing a lot about what he's doing isn't supposed to be enough."

Jessica and Natalie glanced at each other in a silent argument over who was going to take this one.

"You're very young," tried Natalie. Starr glared. Ever since she had given birth to and lost Hope, she had little patience for anyone telling her that she was young. "And Cole was very young when you were together. So of course he was still learning things, and you were learning things, with no one to teach you very much. Sometimes you don't know what works until you feel it, and you can't tell your partner what to do if you don't know."

"But I'm not even attracted to this other person. He's horrible."

"Are you sure? There's a difference between not liking someone and not being attracted. There were times I _hated_ Jared and I was still attracted. It's weird. Not as weird as still being attracted to someone when you think he's your uncle, but weird."

"You can... climax even when you're being raped," said Jessica very, very quietly. "It doesn't mean you wanted it. It doesn't mean you liked it. It just means that your physical response and your emotional response got a little out of sync. My therapist talks about that a lot."

Natalie stroked Jessica's arm softly. "Did this guy force you, Starr?"

Starr couldn't believe that Natalie and Jessica were talking about rape and tragedy while she was talking about making a fool out of herself. She felt more out of touch with the world than ever. "No. I told him I wanted to see where he lived and when we got there I took off my clothes."

"He's still supposed to stop if you say stop," said Natalie severely.

"I didn't. I didn't want him to. Why does everyone always think that I've been raped when I have sex?" Starr pictured Walker punching Cole over and over while she frantically covered herself with a sheet, seconds after losing her virginity.

"We just had to be sure, because you're so miserable," said Jessica, the one who'd spent half her life in therapy.

"There are things you have to do right away, before you lose the evidence," said Natalie, the one who worked forensics at the police station.

"This is not about me being violated. This is about me being stupid."

Jessica patted Starr's arm and pushed a plate of pastries at her. "We all do that from time to time."

"Not me. I spent my whole life being mad at my mom every time she did something like this."

Natalie laughed darkly. "Whatever Blair did, I can promise you it was nothing compared to the parade of drunken one-night stands Roxy had in and out of our house. It didn't make me think that that was okay, but it didn't completely stop me, either."

"I yelled at Mom this morning and it wasn't fair. What I said was awful."

"We wouldn't know about that," said Jessica.

"Neither one of us has ever said anything awful to our mother," agreed Natalie.

"Especially not about the whole _how do you forget you had twins? _thing."

The twins laughed.

Starr almost wished that she had a sister.

* * *

**Disclaimer**: Starr's song is Pink's _Walk of Shame._ I don't own it, much like I do not own the people and situations of Llanview.


	8. Chapter 8

"Let her go," said Blair when Todd made a move to chase Starr out the door. "Let her cool off."

"What the hell got her heated up?"

"I said the wrong thing."

"I'm pretty sure nothing you said justified that." Todd slid onto the bench next to Blair and stirred her melting chocolate ice cream with a spoon. "Want more?"

Blair shook her head and he pushed the dish away while tugging Blair into his arms. She sighed and leaned against him.

"Was that story true?" he asked after a while. "About the slideshow at her dance?"

"Telling all her classmates what a slut I am? Yeah, that happened. She'd just started high school."

His heart beat harder. There were some things that he was almost grateful he had missed. During his long absence, Starr had gone from a girl who didn't know the word rape to a young woman who knew all about her father's past and had come to terms with it. Todd had skipped the hard part. "Did they say anything about her father?" He was an easier target than Blair, and deservedly so.

"It was a long time ago, Todd."

"So that's a yes. What was it? Marty? Holding the town hostage? Faking D.I.D.? Jack?"

"Marty, mainly," Blair admitted. "But Todd, she's dealt with it."

"That wasn't how she found out, was it?" His chest was so tight that he was briefly afraid of another panicked blackout like the one he'd had in the hospital in Washington. He shoved the thought out of his mind. He had to be here for Blair and their unborn baby.

"No," Blair was saying. "She'd known for a couple of years, and she'd sort of blown it off. Meeting Marty was what made it real for her. But that was a long time ago."

"All the more reason she shouldn't have been bringing that story up. The Spencer character, he was the one who almost killed you, right?"

Blair shrugged.

"And that means he was." He glanced down at Blair and saw how pained she looked. "Sorry. We don't have to talk about this." He rubbed her stomach, hoping as always that he would be able to feel their daughter there. "Let's go watch the sunrise, and then you can go back to bed."

"The other kids will be up soon."

"I've got it. I'm not going anywhere today. I'm going to be here when Starr shows up again and I'm going to deal with her." He kissed Blair's hair softly. "You and the baby don't get to stress yourselves out about this."

* * *

That afternoon, Todd found Starr sitting in the frozen garden outside La Boulaie and staring at a leaflet. Wordlessly, he took it from her hand.

"This is why you've been trying to make everyone else as miserable as you?" he asked when he'd read it. "You missed the deadline to go play with reptiles in Paraguay?"

Starr shrugged.

"There's a finite amount of money that will fix this," he told her. He loved it when problems could be solved with money. They were so much easier than the other kind of problems. "A nice big donation to the L.U. Department of Biology. Of course the school won't take money from me, but I'll have Viki do it."

"Dad." Starr rolled her eyes tiredly.

"I'll donate the same amount to heart disease or cancer research or whatever she wants. It's not a big deal. She won't mind, especially since it's for you."

"Dad."

"You knew more about reptiles and spiders when you were five than half the research team knows now. They'll be lucky to have you. If they know what's good for them, they'll take you without the bribe."

"I had the professor leading the trip for my intro course last year. He found me today and told me that they still have places and they thought I would be a good fit."

"Smart man." At least some things still made sense. "So what's the problem?"

"I've been avoiding looking at the ads for this trip ever since they were posted, and then he stuck it in my face. I had to turn him down personally. Told him that I have a child to raise."

Todd looked again at the leaflet. "You'd be gone for five months, not fifteen years."

"Five months is forever to someone Hope's age," said Starr in her adult voice, but what Todd heard was a small child sitting in a stable, worrying a wisp of straw with her hands. _"Are you going away, Daddy? You always go. I don't want you to."_

"Starr, I know that I wasn't around as much when you were growing up as we both would have liked—"

"That wasn't your fault."

"Some of it was my fault."

"Some of it," said Starr without judgment or reprimand. "But this isn't about you and me. This is about Hope and me. When I decided to upend everyone's life—_again_—and raise her myself, I promised that she would never be an inconvenience and that she would always be wanted and the most important thing in the world."

"How would it be an inconvenience if she stayed here? She lives here already. She's right in between Sam and the new baby. She's used to your mom and me and Jack taking care of her."

"And that's bad enough, isn't it? When I broke the adoption agreement…" Starr trailed off and sighed. "I love Hope. She's the best thing that ever happened to me even though she wasn't planned."

"No one's denying that."

"Good." Starr braced herself to rise; Todd grabbed her arm and pulled her back to the ground. He was missing something huge. It was about an eight-year sized hole, as usual.

"Tell me about when you first found out that you were pregnant."

Starr made a face. "You don't want to hear about that."

"If you missed eight years of Hope's life and she had a child of her own, you wouldn't want to know everything?"

Starr stared off into the distance. Wherever she was, it wasn't next to her father on a sodden gray Pennsylvania winter day. "When I started getting sick all the time, I knew it was possible. But I didn't want Walker to know. He almost killed Cole and that was when he thought we didn't do anything. He had me under guard all the time. I wasn't allowed to go to school. Shaun was following me everywhere. I got searched every time I came home. So did Langston. He got rid of my bedroom door. So getting a pregnancy test wasn't the easiest thing."

Todd hated winter weather, but for once he had a use for it. The cold air chilled the hot blood that rose to his face. Walker Laurence had put his sixteen year old daughter in prison.

Todd couldn't stand prison.

Todd was going to take the first plane down to Tahiti and finish off his comatose ass.

"When I found out I was pregnant, the only thing to do was get an abortion. It was the only way to keep from destroying my family completely. And the only way to save Cole's life. I had Langston take my place at school, I had Jack distract Shaun. I got to the clinic. I was on the table and they were ready to start when Cole broke in and stopped it. He couldn't give up the baby. He thought Marty was dead at the time. The baby was all he had left, and the only thing we could do was run away. So we did. And when Walker tracked us down, that was when he threw me down the stairs and Mom threw him out."

"Took her long enough."

"It was complicated. And if I had to have the baby, and I had to be back home, I knew I wasn't ready to be a mother. I wanted to finish school and have a career and first I wanted to be a kid. And I wanted the baby to be the center of a family. Planned for, wanted, never feeling like she was the reason her mother had to give up her dreams. Never stuck with parents who weren't ready. So I gave her to Marcie."

Starr pulled out her phone and deftly brought up a MySpace page. "That's Marcie and her son Gabe." She skimmed through the pictures. "Making Christmas ornaments. Playing in the woods. Reading together. An indoor picnic. Not getting jostled from family member to baby sitter to daycare."

"And why didn't you give Hope to Marcie?"

"I did. I did and Marcie named her and then she died." Tears fell down Starr's cheeks but she didn't seem to notice. She was still far away. "Cole got hooked on drugs because it hurt him so much."

"Cole might have gotten hooked on drugs because he was moron," Todd muttered under his breath.

"It was my fault," Starr corrected firmly. "He wanted to raise Hope from day one. He was right. If we had just stuck to his plan it wouldn't have happened. And then we found out that Hope was alive. I couldn't take her away from Cole and I couldn't take her away from Marcie and I couldn't let her go again after I felt so empty for so long. Marcie gave her back. I couldn't do anything else but everything I said when I wanted to give her up, it was still true. It is still true." She balled the leaflet up in her fist. "I don't have any choice and I wish people would stop pretending I do."

"There's always a choice, Shorty," said Todd quietly. For example, at the moment he was choosing not to take notes on the various ways he wanted to disembowel Walker.

"I never had a choice!" Starr finally turned to glare at him. "First I 'chose' to have an abortion so Walker wouldn't kill Cole and we could still be a family. Then I 'chose' to run away with Cole because Cole stopped the abortion. Then I 'chose' to put Hope up for adoption because I was in school and I couldn't raise her and I didn't want to just shove another kid on Mom so soon after Sam. Then I 'chose' to raise her because losing her almost killed all of us. Now I'm 'choosing' to raise her without a father because Cole is in prison."

"Did your mother ever say that she would have a problem helping you raise Hope?"

"No." Starr shook her head empathically and her newly brown hair brushed against Todd's face. "She never did anything but ask me what I wanted and promise to support me whatever I decided. Like I ever really got to decide."

"So decide now." Todd pried the leaflet out of Starr's hand and smoothed it open. "Decide whether Peanut spending a few months with her adoring grandparents—who she sees every day anyway—is all that horrible."

"It wouldn't be horrible for her."

"Would it be horrible for you?"

"I'd miss her like crazy."

"And you'd come home to her just in time to spend the summer telling her all about Paraguay and showing her that there's a big world out there to explore."

"I'd be back in time to help with the new baby."

"If you wanted to. But this isn't quid quo pro, Starr. Time with Hope and knowing you're out there living the life you want is enough of a reward for your mother and me."

Fresh tears slid down Starr's face and she scooted over to lean against Todd. "I need to go away for a while."

"Then we'll make that happen." He waited for her to nod before adding "just as soon as you apologize to your mother."

* * *

"Sullen Adolescent Killjoy Number One is going to be in in a minute to apologize to you," Todd told Blair without preamble. "Where's Sullen Adolescent Killjoy Number Two?"

Blair didn't bother to acknowledge his new nicknames for their children. "Jack is in a good mood today. Last time I saw him he was in his room texting Neela with a big old smile all over his face."

"Perfect," said Todd. "That sounds just right for that conversation we promised him yesterday."

"Good luck with that."

"I need it."

He was just about to march off to his battle with Jack when she called him back. "How is Starr?"

"She wants to go study abroad this term. Tracking animals in the rainforest or something."

"She's going to leave Hope?"

"I like having Peanut around. She's the only kid in this house I haven't had to talk about sex with in the last two days."

"You and Starr talked about sex?" asked Blair, distracted from whatever her actual feelings about Starr leaving Hope with them might have been. "Did she say who the guy was last night?"

"She did not say that there was a guy last night, and thank you very much for putting that in my head."

"There had to be someone. Someone she isn't sure about. That's why she freaked out this morning when she thought that's what I was saying."

Todd made a face. He had always known that his Shorty would grow up to have boyfriends who weren't good enough for her, but that didn't mean it had to be his favorite topic. "That isn't what we talked about. We talked about Hope and how Starr ended up raising her on her own."

"She's not on her own. She's never been on her own."

"The father isn't here," said Todd darkly. "It sounds like he was the one who insisted that he wanted to be a teenage parent, and he isn't the one making the sacrifices."

"He took a bullet for her when he escaped during the prison break."

Todd rolled his eyes. "Come on, Blair. Don't pretend you like him. It's almost as weird as when you pretend that you like Tea."

"Go talk to Jack," said Blair, so Todd did. He passed by Starr on the stairs and patted her shoulder.

* * *

As Blair had promised, Jack was gazing at his phone with a stupid grin on his face. His fingers flew with one message after another to Neela.

Todd dropped a package of condoms on Jack's lap. Jack started to brush them away before realizing what they were and springing to his feet. The condoms fell to the floor, and the phone was tossed to the bed with one last "GTG TTYL."

"What are those for?" Jack demanded.

"If you don't know, then we really need to have this conversation."

Jack's face flushed red, and Todd forced himself to switch mental gears. Connecting with Jack had been a battle—a battle of wits, a battle of wills, a battle against the echo of Walker Laurence. It was hard to remember that now, sometimes, with Jack more willing to listen to him, he couldn't automatically take every opportunity to one-up his son.

"I know you care about Neela," Todd said, seating himself on Jack's bed and trying to make himself look non-threatening. "I could see that when you were texting her just now."

"Yeah. So? Just because Starr had a baby when she was my age doesn't mean I'm stupid enough to do the same thing."

"That's right, you never have lapses in judgment. How's the community service going?"

"Fine," muttered Jack.

"You didn't set out to get Gigi Morasco killed, and Starr didn't set out to get pregnant. Sometimes things don't go the way you planned."

"Whatever."

"Exactly. You need to be ready for whatever. I'm not telling you that you should have sex with Neela. I don't think you are yet, and I think that's smart. I think you're both too young. But if things ever get out of hand…" Todd picked the condoms up from the floor, detached one, and slipped it into the wallet that sat on Jack's dresser. The rest he shoved into Jack's underwear drawer. "I want you to show more respect for yourself and for Neela than that idiot Cole showed for Starr. The girl is always risking more than the boy is, all right? That's why you need to be the one who's always careful. It's not your own life you're playing with as much as it's hers. Cole and Starr might have been equal participants, but Starr is the one who carried that baby for nine months and Starr is the one who's raising her now. Neela comes from a very different culture. Her parents wanted an arranged marriage for her, didn't they?"

"They still do," Jack admitted. He sat on the bed, a good distance from Todd, but more open than he'd been seconds before.

"If she got pregnant—if there were pictures of her having sex—anything like that, it would really affect her family's standing in their community, wouldn't it?"

Jack nodded.

"It would change her whole life. I hope you protect her like we all wish Cole Thornhart would have protected your sister, as much as we love Hope. Neela is someone's sister, too. Her brother might be bizarre, and not nearly as good-looking as you, but he adores her."

"She loves Vimal, too."

"Of course she does. Like we love you."

"Whatever."

"And that's why I want you to remember to protect yourself when I'm not there to protect you."

Jack rolled his eyes. "Condom. Got it. Can this be over now?"

"Not quite." He let the silence stretch so that Jack would look at him. "When you were a baby, your mother wanted to name you Todd, Junior."

"Was this before or after you told her I was dead?"

"After," said Todd, not rising to the bait. "I told her absolutely not. I was never going to put the baggage that comes with that name on an innocent baby."

"Am I supposed to thank you?"

"No. Because even without the name, you're going to catch the baggage. For all I know, you already are."

"You mean like when all the kids in my class made fun of me because my dad gave me away and told my mom that I was dead?"

It shouldn't have surprised Todd after what he'd heard from Blair and Starr, but it was still a kick in the gut. "Like that. But also like 'your father led a gang rape when he was a little bit older than you, so you must be a sex offender too.'"

"No one's ever said that to me."

"I hope no one ever does. But it's something that was used against your sister and I think it'll be worse for you because you're a young man."

"Kind of like how Dorian doesn't like me because she thinks I have too many of your genes."

"Dorian doesn't really like anyone besides her girls and her boytoys. But, yeah. We talked about protecting Neela. But you need to protect yourself, too. You can't just be a normal teenage boy. You have to be better, because someone is watching and waiting for you to screw up. Waiting for you to hurt a girl's feelings by calling her fat. Waiting for you to forward the naked picture your girlfriend texts you to your friends and get arrested for distribution of child pornography. Waiting for you to cheat on Neela with that blonde cheerleader who's always staring at you at your soccer games."

"That's Beth, and she hates me. She was Brad's girlfriend."

"Someone else, then. Don't underestimate this. Don't underestimate how much it can change the girl's life. Don't underestimate how much it can change the way the rest of the world treats you. And don't underestimate how it can change how you feel."

"Whatever."

"I know you know what happens physically. You certainly managed to tell your brother yesterday."

Jack had the grace to look contrite, if only for a fleeting moment. "Sorry."

"But it can change things in your head in a way you're not going to see in those movies you think I don't know you've watched. You've got enough going on in your head right now, so I hope you're sure that you're ready for one more thing before you do anything with Neela or anyone else."

"There's no one else."

"You're a good looking kid with a trust fund and a varsity letter. Girls are going to throw themselves at you if they haven't already. You'll be out there scoring on the basketball court and they'll ask if you want to score under the bleachers too."

"I'm not playing basketball this year."

That took Todd by surprise. He let Jack change the subject since The Talk was mostly over anyway. "Where have you been going after school?"

Jack hung his head. "Wrestling. It's not as big a deal at school. It's kind of a loser sport. But sometimes I think about Irene and those men tying me up in that warehouse last fall." Jack shuddered, and Todd took the risk of putting a hand on his son's shoulder. Jack didn't cringe away from the contact. "I think I'd feel better if I knew more about all kinds of fighting."

"That's a great idea," said Todd, honestly impressed by Jack's reasoning. "Let me know if you want to get some mats and set something up in one of the spare bedrooms to have the team over to practice."

"Okay."

"And no doing any kind of wrestling without appropriate protective gear."

"Goodbye," said Jack, and snapped noise-canceling headphones over his ears.

* * *

Starr found Blair sitting on the couch in the living room. Blair looked tired, which sucked; she was supposed to be in the sweet spot of her pregnancy where you suddenly got a burst of energy. At least, Starr had. Her second trimester had been a downright pleasant experience between the constant illness of her first and the constant heartbreak of her third.

Starr had been a little bitch to her exhausted, pregnant mother. It was one more reason that she had to make some kind of change in her life.

"I'm sorry," she said as soon as Blair noticed her.

Blair held her arms open and Starr walked into them.

"I want to go to Paraguay," she muttered into her mother's hair. "I didn't think I wanted to go this badly, but now I feel like I won't be able to stand myself if I don't try."

"Your daddy told me that you wanted to do study abroad."

"It'll only be a few months. I'll be home before you have the baby. I really want to be here for you and my sister."

"Your sister and I are fine," Blair said, tracing a circle on Starr's back.

"If you don't want me to go, tell me."

"Of course I don't want you to go, because I'll miss you so much." Blair squeezed Starr hard, and Starr laughed.

"That isn't what I meant. I never meant to foist Hope off on you when I decided to raise her. I know I couldn't have gotten this far and had this much of a normal life without your help, but even when I was in high school it wasn't like I was letting you do all the work for months on end. And now you're pregnant and you still have the boys and you look so tired…" Starr rambled on, realizing anew that nothing had changed just because Todd had offered to pay bribes and take over child-rearing duties as needed. She couldn't take off and play field biologist thousands of miles away. She wasn't the little girl who had watched_ When Animals Attack_ and dreamed of this kind of opportunity. She had responsibilities that came first, and she couldn't rebel against them by having meaningless if fantastic sex with Rick Powers. She couldn't run away from them under the guise of double course credit.

Blair tugged on Starr's hair to make Starr look up at her. "I'm going to tell you a story, and the next time you're on MyFace with Marcie McBain I want you to ask her if it's true."

"Marcie?"

"When you were pregnant with Hope, sometimes you invited Marcie to come along with us to your prenatal appointments."

"Of course I did. She was going to be Hope's mother."

"One day the three of us went out to lunch after your ultrasound. You went into the ladies' room."

"My least favorite thing about being pregnant."

"Not my favorite, either. But while you were gone, Marcie asked me if I wanted to stay in Hope's life as her grandmother after the adoption went through."

"That's really sweet! I never knew about that."

"I told Marcie that I would have to discuss it with you. And I told Marcie that I didn't approve of the adoption at all and that I thought I should be the one to raise Hope."

"You said _what_?" Blair might as well have told Starr that she and Marcie had taken a trip to the moon and made friends with a race of little green men.

"I never said anything to you because I thought it was important that you make your own choice."

"No kidding! You were the only one who never pushed me. Cole was bad, and Walker was worse, and Dorian and Addie…" She trailed off. "You were the only one who made it all about me. I never… I never would have guessed that you wanted that."

"Then I did my job. I'm only telling you now because I want you to know that it's all right for you to leave Hope, just as long as you promise us that you come back."

"I miss you already." Starr rested her head on Blair's chest again. "I've never been away from you for this long."

"You'll be busy with all those snakes and spiders."

"I won't be too busy to miss you. When I was pregnant with Hope and Cole and I ran away, I missed you so bad. I would cry and throw Cole out because the only one I wanted was you."

"I wish I'd been there. I wish you'd been able to come to me."

"If I had it to do over, I would. I was so scared of what Walker would do." She sighed, and the old guilt flooded through her for the millionth time. "Dad's really different, isn't he?"

"Don't do that to yourself."

"How can I not? I was the one who believed him. You never would have believed that Walker was Dad if I hadn't been so sure."

"I was an adult. You were a little girl. Starr, if anyone is to blame, it's—"

Starr clapped her hand over Blair's mouth. "No. You don't get to blame yourself. If you try that, I'm just going to stay here and follow you around correcting you all day."

"Don't tempt me with a good time," Blair said into Starr's hand.

Starr pointed the finger of her other hand in Blair's face. "It would not be fun."

"Any time I get with you is fun."

"You always make me believe that, even if it isn't true." Starr glanced at her mother's still-flat stomach. "My little sister is so lucky that she's just starting out with you. She gets to find out how amazing you are."

"You'll be back in time to meet her, so she can find out how amazing her big sister is."

"I want you to promise me something, though."

"What's that?"

"If you need me, you get a message to me. I will leave any time and get back here any way I have to. You always tried to keep your feelings out of what I did with Hope. I want to do the same thing for you."

"Doesn't work like that, Starr. I'm your mother."

"Promise me, anyway."

"I promise."

As if Starr couldn't feel her mother's mentally crossed fingers.


	9. Chapter 9

Dr. Charles had been teaching at L.U. for as long as anyone could remember, but he had stepped down as the head of the biology department two years before when he'd had his knees replaced. Starr had absolutely no trouble imagining him trooping through a tropical wetland after a banded hognose snake.

"Come in, Miss Manning," he greeted when she knocked on his open office door. He was the only professor she'd met who didn't call his students by their first names. Starr never admitted aloud that it made her a bit nervous. Dr. Charles had been teaching at L.U. long before Todd Manning and two of his fraternity brothers had tied Marty down and raped her. He had been with the school through the scandal, the trial, the bad publicity, the drop in admissions, and the lost funding.

He couldn't possibly say the name _Manning_ without remembering.

For all that, he had never treated Starr as anything but a student it was a pleasure to have in his class. Even though she had been one freshman among a hundred in her introductory course, he had waved her warmly into his office to discuss the latest lab results.

"I hope you're here to tell me you've changed your mind about the semester in Paraguay."

Starr had expected that she might want to back out at this last moment and had prepared a story about wanting his opinion on her course schedule. But she felt no ambivalence or fear. Instead, she beamed. "That's exactly why I'm here."

"Splendid! There's quite a lot of paperwork involved that we'll have to get done in the next few days, but—"

Starr didn't even let him finish before she handed him the brightly colored folder full of signed release forms, project preferences, emergency information, and a rather large check.

Dr. Charles' eyes widened with appreciation. "Looks to me like all your i's are dotted and your t's are crossed." He smiled conspiratorially at Starr. "An organized mind is important to the scientific process. This is one of the reasons I had my eye on you as a good candidate for this trip, even though you're only a sophomore."

He buzzed the department secretary into the office and asked her to see that Starr's paperwork was complete and to enter Starr into the computer system. "You got another one from your wish list," she said as she took Starr's file.

"You have a wish list?" Starr couldn't help asking. She was Starr Manning—Cole's girlfriend (except not really) and Starr Manning—Hope's mother and Starr Manning—Todd's daughter. She didn't want to give up any of them, but it was a thrill of excitement to be Starr Manning—scientist, as well.

"This is the last time I'm going to lead one of these expeditions. I'd like a full class and I'd like the best of the best. Let me see if I have an attendance sheet for you. I don't think you'll know many of the other students. You'll be just about the youngest from the L.U. contingent, although I believe the group from the University of Pennsylvania has more underclassmen."

Starr scanned the list quickly. There was one other sophomore, a girl whose name she knew but could not connect to a face. There was a graduate student who had been her T.A. the year before and a senior who had sat across from her in one of the political science classes she had taken in Dorian's honor.

Then her hands went numb and she nearly dropped the list.

_Schuyler Joplin—first year medical student_

"Is everything all right?" Dr. Charles asked.

"I didn't know med students did study abroad. I thought that their class schedules were too rigid," she covered.

"The usually are. Joplin took a leave of absence from school and this is his way of easing himself back in. The work in the field hospital will serve him well, but he has a strong background in biology. Taught high school biology, in fact, even though he can't have been much older than his students."

"He was my high school teacher," said Starr. She decided not to add that she had gotten him fired by coming on to him. Never mind the fact that his mother had killed herself over Walker's blackmail and Hope's supposed death. She was a curse on the poor man the way her father was a curse on Marty and her brother was a curse on Shane Morasco.

"Is that a problem?" Dr. Charles' look pierced her and she wondered how much she knew.

"No. He's a great teacher and I'm glad he's back in school. I know he really wanted that." She blithely pretended that there was no chance that Dr. Charles was asking her if she could behave herself around Schuyler rather than trying to ruin his life.

"Like you, he was one who always stood out to me. It's unconventional to bring him back into the University this way, but when you're as old and decorated as I am, you get away with whatever you want. Tenure is a wonderful thing."

The secretary returned and handed Starr a fat envelope with the trip itinerary printed on the outside. "You're all set, Starr."

Dr. Charles stood up to usher Starr out. "Go straight home and pack," he told her. "We have limited ability to get new supplies once we're there, so double check before we leave."

* * *

Starr didn't go home. Instead, she headed for the Angel Square Hotel.

She was pleased that Roxy Balsom was not at the front desk. The desk, in fact, stood empty, so Starr sauntered behind it. If you looked like you belonged in a place, no one suspected you of anything nefarious. It was when you hesitated and craned your neck guiltily that you brought trouble on yourself.

She rifled through the mail before attempting to crack the computer's password.

"Jackpot," she whispered when she found an advertisement for student loan consolidation addressed to Mr. Schuyler Joplin, Room 3.

She left the ad where she'd found it and sprinted up the stairs. Angel Square Hotel wasn't the shiniest, happiest place she had ever visited, but at least it wasn't the Minute Man. She rapped on the door of Room 3 and hoped against hope that Schuyler was home. She didn't want to do this twice.

"Who is it?" That was Schuyler's voice. This was for real, then. It had been his name on the list. He had been released from prison, and he had returned to Roxy's hotel.

"Starr Manning." _And I promise not to take off my clothes as soon as I get into your living room this time,_ she thought but didn't add.

The door clicked open. "Starr?"

He looked a bit worse for wear. Prison did that. It had done it to Cole. It had done it to Todd. Schuyler finally looked like an adult rather than a kid of Starr's age pretending to be an authority figure.

"Hi," she said, with a ridiculous little wave. "You got out early."

"Good behavior. I helped the guards out during the prison break a few months ago."

"I wish Cole had done that," Starr blurted out, because complaining about Cole was what she had always done with Schuyler. "He ran, and now Hope and I aren't even allowed to visit him. He'll be in there twice as long."

"I'm sorry, Starr."

Starr shrugged. "I'm glad you did the smart thing. I'm glad you get the chance to start over. I should have brought you a housewarming gift or something."

"I won't be here long. I'm leaving for South America in a week."

Starr nodded. "I know. That's why I came here."

Schuyler opened the door to let her into the room. It was inherently grungy, like all the rooms in the hotel, but neat and clean. At least Schuyler hadn't lapsed back into drugs.

"How could you possibly know that? How did you even know where to find me? I didn't tell anyone I was released, except Roxy. She said she'd keep it quiet." He rolled his eyes. "I guess she forgot."

"No, it wasn't Roxy. I go to L.U. and I had Dr. Charles for Bio 105 last year."

Schuyler lit up the way he always had when they had geeked out about biology together. It was still attractive, Starr had to admit. "That's the advanced intro class? You must have nailed the AP exam and tested out of the basic one. I bet he's amazing in an intro class like that."

"He is. He taught me so much, and he mentioned the semester abroad. He invited me to come along, actually. I said yes, but that was before I saw your name on the list. I didn't know, Schuyler, I swear. I thought you were still in prison until an hour ago. I don't want you to think I'm stalking you or anything, or that I would ever do anything to you like I did in high school—"

Schuyler held up his hand. "That wasn't your fault."

"Of course it was. I was the one who kissed you, and you were the one who got fired."

"I was your teacher, and I was the one who let you get it into your head that we were anything other than teacher and student. I never should have talked to you about the things we talked about."

It was now or never. "If you want me to withdraw from the trip, I will. I owe you that much."

To Starr's relief, he didn't even think before he answered. "You don't owe me anything, and I don't want you withdrawing from the trip over me. Really, Starr, you don't think I ruined enough lives?"

"You didn't ruin anyone's life," Starr said loyally.

"I could have."

"You didn't."

"I'm not taking this opportunity away from you. If anyone backs out, it should be me."

"And I'm not taking that opportunity away from you, so I guess I'll see you next week."

"I'm looking forward to it. Really."

"Me too."

She fairly skipped down the stairs. She had a new tropical snake-hunting wardrobe to buy.

* * *

"Your big sister is a hard act to follow," Todd murmured to Blair's stomach. "Your mother and I are no longer shocked by men on wheels and baby alligators in the bathtub." He gave the baby a kiss. Blair laughed and tugged gently on Todd's hair to redirect his attention to her lips. He did.

"You think Starr is really going to follow through on this?" Blair asked when the kiss broke off.

"You think there's a chance she won't?" Todd hated seeing Starr so hesitant and indecisive. One of his very favorite things about her had always been the way she knew her own mind. Walker had taken that confidence from Starr, and from her mother, too.

Todd was going to put baby alligators in_ Walker's_ bathtub if Walker ever got out of his well-deserved coma.

"She doesn't want to leave Hope," Blair said. "Hard to blame her for that."

"Right." It was also hard to blame him for not wanting to say goodbye to his daughter again less than a year after he'd gotten his life back. At least he would have Hope—a part of his Shorty to spoil while the real thing flounced around South America collecting lizards.

"But we'll take good care of her."

"And you. I wouldn't want Shorty coming home and locking me in Viki's wine cellar because I didn't take good enough care of her pregnant mother and her little sister. No stress. Every doctor's appointment."

"Hmm." Blair laced her fingers through Todd's. "That's rich, considering the source."

"What source? Me? Yes, I am rich. That's part of why you like me."

"Only a little part." She kissed his cheek. "You still haven't had a real physical. You promised me months ago, when we were in Key West."

Todd's throat went dry. Leave it to Blair to find something even more horrible to discuss than their daughter's impending absence. "I feel fine."

Blair cocked her head as if this was revelation. "The baby and I feel fine. Maybe we won't go to our next appointment."

"That's not the same," Todd objected. His mind spun frantically, trying to decide exactly how it wasn't the same.

Blair didn't even bother asking him for an explanation. It was like she already knew that anything that came out of his mouth would be ridiculous. "If you can't do it for you, do it for her," Blair said softly. "She hasn't even had a chance to meet you yet."

"I'll be here when she comes, I'll be here to buy her first tarantula, and I'll be here when she meets some boy who's just as bad as the idiots Starr chooses."

Then Blair played her trump card. She rubbed her stomach as if in discomfort. Todd's whole body stiffened with fear even though he knew Blair was just playing games to bend him to her will. "It makes me so anxious… so stressed out… worrying that Irene might have left something lurking inside you that we could fix if we get you checked out now."

Sometimes Blair played dirty to get her way. Sometimes Todd loved her for that. At the moment, all he could feel was terror.

Terror of stress-induced early labor. Terror of miscarriage. Terror of the statistics that said change of life pregnancies left not only the baby's life but the mother's life at higher risk.

In his mind's eye, Blair lay on the floor, wracked by cramps, looking like she might miscarry Jack. He held his hand out to her, then snatched it away. He had promised that he would never do anything like that again.

"All right," he told her. "Make the appointment."

Blair beamed victoriously and reached for the phone.

Todd stomped out of the room before she had a chance to stop gloating and notice that every inch of his body was shaking.

_"We're just going to draw your blood to test it," _the doctor would say. Then he wouldn't stop. He was Irene's henchman; they were everywhere. He'd bleed Todd white the way he always had. Todd would be too weak to stand when the news came that Starr had been kidnapped in Paraguay and was waiting for her father to rescue her— to prove he wasn't that lunatic who had taken his place and left her a shadow of herself—to prove that he would always come for her—

Todd fell down the last three stairs. He didn't bother to swear or inspect himself for injury; instead, he made a beeline for the liquor cabinet. He couldn't let himself go to pieces the way he had in Washington. Blair must have heard him fall. She would be off the phone and looking for him in minutes if not seconds.

The shaking had to stop. His head had to clear.

The bottle of bourbon (what were they? Buchanans?) tumbled to the floor but didn't break. He sat on the floor next to it and managed cajole it open.

Moronic therapists were always going on about counting in these situations, so Todd counted ten long, deep swallows.

That was about as long as it took Blair to find him. Luckily, the bourbon was quick. The shaking stopped. The sensation of the blood draining out of his body stopped.

"What are you doing sitting on the floor drinking bourbon out of the bottle?" Blair asked.

Todd got to his feet, smooth as the all-star football player he had been. "I always do this when I lose a fight with you. Did you make the appointment?"


	10. Chapter 10

David was standing naked in Dorian's living room holding a glass of champagne.

As much as she liked this state of affairs, Dorian regretfully told David to get dressed. "I have Adriana coming over at eight and Langston at nine."

David swirled the liquid in his glass and made no attempt to move. "Adriana's always been like a daughter to me, but Langston…" he gestured at himself. "I really think she's always wondered what it would be like if I weren't taken. That time she put on her naughty schoolgirl outfit for me, back before you adopted her, well, let's just say there was chemistry."

Dorian rolled her eyes. "Regardless. Cover up."

"What made you decide to summon them this evening?"

Dorian grinned wickedly. Life was good. She was a United States Senator; she was married to a handsome man young enough to be her son; and she had a foolproof plan to improve the lives of three of her girls at once. (And what did Viki have? An impending umpteenth marriage to her ridiculous cowboy? Dorian had taken Clint for a ride. He wasn't as good as her seat in the Senate, let alone as good as a naked David.)

"I spoke to Blair today."

David made a gagging noise. Dorian ignored him.

"Blair tells me that her new baby is a girl."

"Mazel tov, as my step-Nora would say." David toasted her with his glass and took a long drink.

"There is an obvious problem."

"Todd is the father and they're living happily ever after."

"Not happily, and certainly not ever after."

"And how do Langston and Adriana factor into this glorious plan?"

"I have to be here, fighting for my constituents. I need eyes and ears in Llanview so I know when to take action. I can wait. Todd will hang himself. He always does."

"Langston and Adriana are going to agree to be your spies?"

"They're going to agree to come home, where they belong, now that that miserable cretin Rex Balsom is visiting his personal brand of insufferability on the good people of London and Robert Ford is roasting in hell."

"You shouldn't phrase it that way," said David helpfully as he belted himself into a robe, and just in time, because Adriana let herself in without knocking.

She poured herself a glass of champagne and perched on the couch. "Whatever it is, Mother," she said, looking Dorian right in the eye, "the answer is no."

"Adriana, darling," Dorian cooed. "I'm not asking for myself." Adriana raised a critical eyebrow. "It's about your Aunt Carlotta."

"I talked to her last week. She didn't sound like she needed any help. She's on top of the world planning Cristian's wedding."

"His wedding to your dear friend Layla."

"So? What does Layla have to do with anything?"

"Don't you want to be more involved in her big day?"

"I'm the maid of honor. Of course I'm involved."

"But there's so much planning, and after all those years you spent together perfecting your wonderful lingerie line no one knows her taste better than you. I'm sure she misses having her own sister there to help."

"What makes you think she and Carlotta don't have it covered?"

"Poor Carlotta is stretched to the breaking point with the diner and the wedding and…" Dorian pretended to fumble for a name. "Of course that girl Antonio married is pregnant—"

Adriana swallowed the bait. "Her name is _Talia_!" she interrupted at the perceived insult. "She saved my life! She literally saved my life, and Layla's, when Tate had us cornered on the roof. We would have been dead right alongside Evangeline if Talia hadn't taken him down. And then she got stabbed in _your_ swimming pool trying to protect _your_ family from that freak Powell Lord!"

Dorian fluttered her hands artistically. "Of course, Talia. I meant no disrespect, Adriana. I only meant that she and Antonio are in New York and Carlotta can't be in two places at once. But reading between the lines of what Carlotta has told me, I really do think Talia is having a difficult time."

Adriana slackened. "I worried about that," she admitted. "Talia's never been a girly-girl, you know? Having any kind of physical restriction is going to drive her crazy. She wants to be out catching criminals."

"But when Carlotta goes to New York to help Antonio and Talia, she feels like she's abandoning Cristian and Layla. She'd never say this to you herself, of course. She hasn't said it to me. But with so many momentous things going on with your family and friends, I thought you might want to consider relocating. Is there really anything holding you in Paris, darling?"

"No," said Adriana softly. "You're right. I should be there for them. I'm sorry for accusing you of having an agenda, Mother."

"It's all right, darling," said Dorian nobly. "I know that I've earned your mistrust over the years."

In no time at all, Adriana was out of the room and Langston was in. Dorian tried not to let herself celebrate yet. Just because she'd expected Adriana to be the difficult one didn't mean that she could afford to lose focus with Langston.

Langston shook her head at the champagne David offered and perched on the arm of Dorian's chair. "What's so important?" she asked.

"Your future, Langston."

Langston smiled the bemused smile she usually gave to Dorian, and Dorian's heart warmed. She loved this girl, and it was always a pleasure to do right by her. "What about my future?"

"You don't have a professional writing project at the moment and you haven't enrolled in classes this semester. I'm concerned about that spectacular mind of yours losing its edge."

"I'll enroll again next fall if nothing comes up. Don't worry."

"But I do worry. You're my daughter and it's my job. And even for a smart girl like you, school becomes more difficult the longer you stay away."

"I know that. It's just hard to get a slot at UCLA."

"You have a slot waiting for you at Llanview University."

Langston rolled her neck as if to ward off stress. Her beautiful hair fell in a circle around her head, and Dorian reveled briefly reveled in the absence of purple and green streaks. (She was defensive of her daughter's independence, but enough was enough.) "First you pushed me out the door to California. That was less than a year ago. Now you want me back in Pennsylvania? Away from Markko?"

"Where I really want you is right here in Washington with me. And Markko can come too. But doesn't Markko have a project that's going to keep him working all hours for most of the spring?" Dorian knew full well that he did, of course. She had pulled the strings to get him hired.

"Yeah," said Langston. "I'm so proud of him. But I didn't think I'd told you yet." Her head snapped toward Dorian with realization. "Did you get Markko that job?"

Dorian did her best to form an abashed expression. "I should have known I couldn't trick you."

"Dorian! He wants to make it on his own."

"And he will. All I did was open a door. It wasn't at all difficult because he's building a solid reputation with _Vickerman_."

"Unbelievable. You should have told us." Langston hopped off the arm of the chair and looked down at Dorian with crossed arms. She was full of pride in her boyfriend, exasperation in her mother, and self-congratulation at her own cleverness. There was no room left in her fine mind to divine Dorian's real purpose.

"I know," said Dorian contritely. "The opportunity arose quickly and I just had to take it. Forgive me?"

Langston sighed. "You were only trying to help."

"But I do worry about the position that leaves you in, all alone out there at loose ends. You need to continue your education. Starr is on her way to South America, following her dreams, you know."

"Isn't it great?" Langston agreed. "I'm glad she decided to go for it, even though she's so worried about leaving Hope."

And with that, Langston laid the trap for herself.

"Wouldn't it be easier on Starr to know that you were in Llanview? You've known Hope since before she was born. When Blair had that crisis during my swearing-in, you were the one who stepped in to look after Hope. It was generous of you. I don't think I tell you enough how proud I am of you."

"All right," agreed Langston. "I'll think about it."

"I'll pay your tuition at L.U. just in case," said Dorian. "I have influence there to get you in late that I don't have at UCLA. I tried."

"I should have known that you did." Langston hugged her mother.

And so pieces one and two of Dorian's plan fell into place.

* * *

Todd's first thought was to lie to Blair about going to the appointment. The doctor wouldn't be able to tell her he had skipped out if he didn't give permission, he decided with a new appreciation for HIPPA.

Blair ruined that idea by plopping herself in his lap at breakfast that morning and announcing that she was accompanying him. He told her that she had better things to do. She insisted that she did not. He told her that he had private matters to discuss with the doctor. She promised that she would retreat to the waiting room once they reached that part. He told her that it hurt his feelings that she didn't trust him, and that he didn't want to scare her but it might take a toll on their marriage. She wrapped her arms around him and advised him that she would rather know he was healthy than have him love her.

That made him feel like an absolute douchebag, so he told her that he loved her and stopped arguing. He really shouldn't have expected anything else after she'd seen him getting plastered at the mere mention of a doctor's appointment.

And he did admire the subtle manipulative value of the dress she chose to wear—clingy and implying a baby bump where he knew perfectly well that there wasn't much of one. The boots, meanwhile, were the sort that would definitely be used on his ass if he didn't take the risk of a complete psychotic breakdown and let the doctor poke and prod him like Irene's little friends had done.

Once his decision had been made, he stuck to it, and he didn't even consider sprinting out of the waiting area when Blair excused herself to use the restroom. At least, he chose not to do it after he considered it, which was almost as good. He hadn't even needed Blair's comment that her emergency absence was his unborn daughter's fault, and he would be betraying her if he took this opportunity to make his escape.

The receptionist used that moment to call him forward. "Dr. West has been called away."

Todd made a mental note to start believing in God.

Then the receptionist continued. "Dr. Lewis is covering, but he said that you might prefer another doctor."

Todd discarded the mental note."Why? Is Dr. Lewis a quack?"

"He's a fine young doctor."

"Then it might as well be him."

"I'll let him know. The nurse will bring you back."

Blair returned just in time to escort Todd and the nurse back to the exam room.

Todd stared at Blair and re-memorized every detail of her face while he climbed on and off the scale and answered a slew of questions about smoking and drinking and exercise habits.

"Are you in any pain today?"

Todd opened his mouth to say only the pain inflicted by her stupid questions, but Blair glared at him and he changed his mind. "No pain," he said begrudgingly.

"Good." The nurse velcroed the blood pressure cuff onto his upper arm. Just as it was getting tight enough to convince him that it was, in fact, one of Irene's restraints, it deflated. The nurse pretended not to notice that he'd been halfway to ripping it off his arm. She didn't know that his next step would have been to break her nose. "Dr. Lewis will be in in a few minutes."

"Dr. Lewis?" Blair objected. "Dr. West—"

"I said it was fine," Todd interrupted, just so he could pretend that he was in charge of his own life. The nurse left hastily. "Who is this Dr. Lewis? An ex-boyfriend?"

Blair laughed. "He's more likely to hit on you than me."

"So you're afraid he's going to steal me away from you? That's why you didn't want him to do this?" Todd batted his eyes and Blair crossed the small room to kiss him.

"Yes," she agreed. "That's it exactly. Who could resist?" She caressed his ear the way she did.

Todd sighed. If Blair was willing to play along with the fiction, then the truth must be really bad—something that she was afraid would lead him to bail on this appointment halfway through. "What is it really?"

Blair looked at him sadly and he braced himself. "You might not want to marry him," she said gently. "But you wanted to marry his sister."

"Lewis?" Todd thought aloud stupidly, as if there had been such a long list of women he'd wanted to marry that he had to turn reams of names over in his mind. "Rebecca… Rebecca didn't have any family."

"I don't know the specifics."

"Has she—is she back in Llanview?"

"She was. Todd, we can talk about this later—"  
_  
"Stop treating me like I'm made of glass and talk about it now!"_ he snarled.

"She's dead," said Blair, and Todd's heart dropped like a rock. He'd never expected to see Rebecca again, and he hadn't much thought about her while he had his own life and family to put to rights. But somewhere so deep inside of him that he wasn't entirely aware of it, he had had a picture of Rebecca living a quiet, happy life in a small town, teaching Sunday School and baking cookies for the PTA.

"How?"

"There was an explosion." Blair reconsidered and Todd could have sworn that the words fuck it flashed across her forehead. "She set the explosion. She could have killed Tea and Marty and me. Hope, too. Hope was just an infant."

"You and Tea and Marty." Todd gulped. "So this was about me."

"Rebecca broke Powell out of the mental institution. He decided to take revenge on everyone who ever hurt Marty. Murdered the man she was dating. Stabbed the cop who came after him. Stabbed me, because you can never shed enough blood in the name of Marty the Martyr." Blair scowled hard, like she usually did when Marty's name came up. "And yeah, they ended up drugging me and kidnapping me in front of Jack and Sam. They told Jack he couldn't call for help or they'd hurt Sam. Jack spent the night locked in the closet while Powell and Rebecca brought the rest of us over to KAD house." She smirked meanly. "Kyle came over to make sure Jack didn't call the police before Powell and Rebecca were good and ready."

Todd jumped off the table. "I see your point about wanting another doctor."

Blair planted her hands on his chest and pushed him back against the table. "You wanted to make your own decisions and you wanted the truth. You got it. Now you can follow through."

"I will follow through. I'll follow through with a doctor who never kidnapped my family. I'd rather let Dorian give me a physical than this guy."

"I don't think Kyle actually knew what was going on," Blair tried. "He and Rebecca didn't know each other well. She called him over and asked him to baby-sit, and he did. Believe me, if I thought the people who did that to my sons were out walking the streets, they would be paying for it."

That was so undeniably true that Todd relaxed. "What happened to Powell?"

"Dead. John shot him."

"Another point for McBain," Todd reflected.

He hadn't quite decided what to do when Dr. Kyle Lewis came in. Todd could see the family resemblance, mainly around the eyes, and when they shook hands Todd almost imagined that he could feel Rebecca's warmth.

"Good to meet you," said Kyle. "Are you sure you don't want another doctor?"

It was the polite offer that made up Todd's mind. He would have taken pleasure in humiliating a man who had the nerve to stand guard over his terrified son and act like he'd done nothing wrong. This man was Rebecca's little brother. His Rebecca, not the Rebecca who had somehow ended up teaming up with Powell the Pure to commit mass murder.

"I'd just as soon get this over with, no matter who the doctor is." Todd jumped back on the table. "Now tell me how you're Rebecca's brother when she didn't have a family."

Kyle told the story in between listening to Todd's heart and lungs, testing his reflexes, and flashing light in his ears. How their parents had been young when they'd had Rebecca, and how their unconventional lifestyle had caught the attention of Child Protective Services. How Rebecca had been consigned to foster care and over a decade had passed before Kyle's birth. How they hadn't been able to track down Rebecca until after Todd had known her, and how she had never quite bonded with her natural family.

Todd was so distracted by the story that the examination was over before he knew it.

"Two things," said Kyle as Todd contemplated the alternate reality where this was his brother-in-law. "I'm sending you down to the lab for a full workup. Blood and urine. Head down there now. They aren't too busy this morning and I'll be able to put a rush on the results. All right?"

"We'll do it right away," Blair answered for Todd. "What's the other thing?"

"You haven't been to a dentist since you've been back, have you?"

"I like my smile the way it is."

"Well, I don't like the way periodontal disease affects your heart and your lungs if you let it get away from you. You need a good cleaning and you need it now." Kyle clapped Todd on the shoulder. "You'll be more comfortable when you get those cavities taken care of, too. I could see the loose filling in the back and I wasn't even looking for it."

"Thank you, Kyle," said Blair, and enough Southern slipped into her voice that Todd knew she had forgiven him any grudges she had held. "I'm glad you were able to step in today."

"Sorry you lost your sister," said Todd, because Blair wasn't the only one who could be polite. He wasn't entirely thrilled with the way Blair had taken over—he wasn't a child, after all—but he was grateful that she held his hand while the phlebotomist drew only slightly fewer vials of blood than Irene's men had.

* * *

_**Note: If you watched the 2009 KAD redux on OLTL, you know that Powell didn't just stab Talia; he killed her. I ordinarily try to keep very close to the show's history while writing, but I thought that this change was so minor that it wouldn't hurt anything. **_


	11. Chapter 11

Starr sat in the rocking chair in Hope's nursery with Hope in her lap.

"Mommy is coming back in June," she told Hope yet again.

Hope squirmed with boredom. "Mommy's coming back in June," she parroted obediently. "Can I watch TV?"

"Maybe your Aunt Langston will watch with you later. Do you know when June is?"

Hope pointed at the window where the bare branches of trees scraped against the side of the house. "June is when trees are green," she said with the long-suffering air of a child who was only deigning to do this in the hopes that her mother would eventually shut up.

"Good! That's really good, Hope." The first time they'd had this conversation, Starr had tried to tell Hope all about how Paraguay was in the southern hemisphere and it was the end of summer there now. Hope's eyes had glazed over, so Starr had stuck to repeating that she would be back as surely as the leaves outside Hope's bedroom window would grow.

"How else do you know when June is?" She relaxed her arms so Hope could climb out of her lap and pull the bright, colorful calendar from its low hook on the wall. She thumbed through the pages until she found the one marked with stars.

"Right," said Starr. "Every one of these little boxes is a day. This one is today." She dragged her finger across the days of February, March, April, and May. "This is the day Mommy comes home."

Hope nodded wisely. "Can I watch TV now?"

"Soon. When you miss me, you can tell Grandma and Grandpa and Uncle Jack and Aunt Langston. And you can tell Fred the Magic Frog." She had decided not to make Hope promises about phone calls and emails because she wasn't certain how consistent the service would be.

Starr handed Fred to Hope. Hope dropped Fred on the floor.

"Looks like I might need Fred more than you do," Starr muttered. "I love you, Hope," she said out loud.

"I love you, Mommy. Can I watch TV now?"

Starr pulled Hope onto her hip and carried her out of the room. Langston was waiting in the hall, as Starr had requested. Starr's suitcase and backpack were packed and ready beside the front door below. "I'm so glad you're going to be here with Hope while I'm gone," Starr told Langston.

Langston pulled both Starr and Hope into a hug. "I love you both. I'm glad you're doing this, Starr. You need… you need something."

"I have you. I have Hope. I have my Dad back. Everyone's together and happy and I'm leaving." Starr fought back tears, not wanting to upset Hope. "I can't believe I'm doing this."

"If you hate it, you come back and don't do it again," said Langston.

"Be good for your Aunt Langston," Starr told Hope.

"Can we watch TV?" Hope asked Langston.

"We sure can!" said Langston with a bit too much enthusiasm. She led Hope into the bedroom she had recently reclaimed as her own.

Starr watched them miserably. They didn't look back.

She passed Jack's and Sam's rooms. The boys were at school. She'd said goodbye the night before. Sam had accused her of not loving him anymore. Jack had said "whatever" a lot. (There were a few things that Starr wasn't going to miss.)

Shakily, she made her way down the stairs. "You're not going, Starr," said Todd just as she hit the bottom step. "I've changed my mind. I forbid it."

A challenge was exactly what she needed. If he'd told her to go, she would have burst into tears and begged to stay. He'd been gone for so long and she'd needed him so much. Now he needed his family—she knew he did—and she was abandoning him along with Hope.

"I'm going," she told him. "But I'll be back. In June. When there are full-grown leaves on the trees and you've turned five pages on the calendar. And if you need me, you can just talk to—"

Her last words were buried in Todd's chest when he hugged her.

"Freddy the Magic Frog," Blair completed for Starr. She hugged Starr behind, and Starr was buried between her parents. It was the place she had always liked best to be as a small girl, but now she had to leave. She was leaving her father, still recovering from incarceration, and her mother, who never would have left Starr when Starr was pregnant and needed help.

The cab outside blew its horn. She had decided to take a cab rather than let her parents drop her off a L.U. to catch the bus, and then the plane, with the rest of the class. She needed that much separation or she wouldn't make it. And she had to make it. Otherwise, what was she? A Buchanan?

The bus ride and the plane ride were long but uneventful. Starr read and reread the materials. She talked to Schuyler briefly; enough to make it obvious that they knew each other but not enough to start tongues wagging that something inappropriate had happened. She sat next to Yuri, the other girl who was a sophomore, and they shared a few stories about why they had wanted to take this trip. Yuri, it turned out, specialized in botany, and she let Starr borrow the folder full of prep work she had done.

Starr was still reading as the plane touched down.

* * *

After Starr's cab pulled away, Blair wandered into the living room and sank to the floor.

She knew that parents were supposed to prepare their children to go out into the world. The last thing she had ever wanted was for Starr to be broken like her—clinging to anything that felt safe long after it made sense for her. Blair had never had a childhood and a family to sustain her while she chose her own path. Starr had. That was the whole point of the last twenty years. Blair had hoped for this for Starr since the day she'd found out that she was pregnant.

It hurt like hell. She would rather have cut off her own arm than live month after month without Starr's warm hugs and sly comments and sweet songs.

Todd collapsed to the floor beside her. She had never been more grateful for his presence. He was the only other person on the planet who knew what it was like to have Starr Manning as a daughter, and then lose her.

"This sucks," Todd said when they'd listened to each others' ragged breathing for a few minutes.

He had a way with words.

"Something awful," she agreed.

"Yeah." Todd sniffled and his voice broke. "I don't know who these parents are who rent out their kids' rooms and have parties as soon as they leave." He sighed heavily.

Blair knew who those parents were. They were parents who didn't know what it was like not have a safe place. To not have a family. To not have anyone who was theirs to love. They were more spoiled than her credit card wielding, manipulative little Starr had ever been.

"You know, I thought maybe it wasn't gonna happen," she admitted. "I thought maybe you'd stop her from going." Just because she would never stop Starr herself, that didn't mean she couldn't see a silver lining in Todd playing the you're leaving me when I just found you after eight years of torture? card.

"I thought of half a dozen things I could do to make her stay."

"Yeah? Why didn't you trot them out, huh?"

"Because it's not about me. It has nothing to do with what I want. This is her time and I think the idiot you married and the idiot she almost married held her back long enough. It just sucks."

Blair looked at Todd closely. He sounded bereft and matter of fact, but she couldn't help but sense an accusation. She didn't know if he was accusing her or she was accusing herself. If she hadn't accepted Walker as Todd, all of their lives would have been different. It might not hurt so much. This might feel like a natural triumph instead of a crushing loss.

"What?" sniffled Todd. "I know my nose is running."

Blair laughed wetly and scooted closer to him. "Not that."

"Then what?"

"I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're you. I'm glad you put Starr first even though it's the worst thing ever."

"I didn't always put her first. But I will now. It won't be with this new baby like it was with Starr."

"It better not be." She rested her head on his chest and let her tears fall into his shirt.

One of his hands stayed firmly on her hip while the other caressed her hair. "Some parts weren't that bad."

"We can keep those parts," she agreed.

"Want to order Chinese and eat on the floor in front of the fire with the boys and Hope tonight?"

"Yeah." She ran her hand over his chest and hoped that he knew that that meant thank you for knowing just what she needed.

"Until then?"

"I just want to be close to you."

"Okay." Todd pulled her more tightly to him, and she thought that he was just going to hold her until something other than bittersweet loss demanded their attention. Instead, he stood up with her in his arms.

"Todd!" she cried in surprise. He didn't often carry her; he was certainly strong enough, but they were close enough in height that it always felt awkward to her.

"Not close enough?" he asked, and tightened his grip as he ascended the stairs.

He spread her out on their bed and then locked the door.

Slowly, he began to unbutton her blouse.

"I'm not sure I'm up for this," she said quietly.

"When we get to the part that you aren't up for, tell me to stop," he said just as quietly. He rubbed her neck over and over. The tension she felt at the thought of Starr, all alone on a plane, faded. By the time Todd had moved past her shoulders and upper arms to her lower back, her only thoughts were of how much she liked his hands.

"You're good to me," she said contentedly.

"Not as good as you are to me."

She was too warm and relaxed to argue the point. Arguing could be exciting, but she wasn't in the mood. "Where'd you get the oil?"

"You left it on the shelf in the bathroom. I assumed it was a hint."

"The stuff from the hotel room in Key West? I almost forgot about that."

He kissed her ear. "As long as you don't forget everything that happened in Key West."

"In July we're going to have a lifelong reminder."

He massaged her stomach softly in response before slipping her jeans off her hips and turning his attention to her legs and feet.

She wanted to melt into the bed, but instead she pulled herself upright and tugged at his shirt.

He jerked it away from her. "Back where you were."

She lay down again and opened her arms. "I want to be close to you," she repeated.

He lay down next to her, and she took the opportunity to make another attempt at removing his shirt. "I want to feel your skin," she told him, and this time he didn't argue. He also didn't argue when she kissed him long and deep before brushing her lips down his neck and chest. She re-explored his body peacefully, finding comfort in old places and reclaiming the ones that had changed during their years of separation.

Todd was continuing to touch her, too, but even when his tongue flicked between her legs the movement was more tender than aggressive.

She twisted to get his cock in her mouth and enjoyed the moan he made in response. She kept teasing him while he teased her until he pulled away.

"Do you want to go further?"

The naked need in his voice snapped her instantly from soft relaxation to achy hollowness. "Yes."

He chuckled in the back of his throat. "Thank God."

She made a grab at him, more than ready for a complete connection, but he evaded her and leaned her back against the pillows as he had when they'd first come into the room. Then he entered her slowly, more slowly than she'd thought he could go. She could feel heat roll off him in waves as he moved in and out, keeping his eyes locked on hers and silently directing her to stay still every time she attempted to move along with him.

This was a gift, she understood. He wanted her to feel cherished, and he was succeeding with every tender movement. He was giving her everything she needed.

"I love you," she said.

"I love you too."

"Faster," she directed, because she was warm and content and loved, and now she wanted him to let go. Or herself to let go. Or both.

"Iloveyoutoo," he said quickly.

"Todd!"

He moved incrementally faster. She was more than ready. She tried to tell him so, put it turned into an unintelligible stream of _pleasetoddpleasetoddpleasetoddplease_ even though she knew he hated begging and she had long since trained herself not to do anything that approached it in these situations.

He didn't seem to mind this time. His groin tightened and spasmed, and that was enough to make everything inside her explode, too.

He held her for a long time without saying anything, but she still protested when he stood up. "Don't go."

"You don't let me go, you don't get your present."

"It's not my birthday."

"No, but we have to remember someone else's birthday."

"What does that even mean?"

Todd opened the closet and disappeared into its depths. A moment later he returned with a box. "I've noticed you wearing this bracelet a lot."

"I did, until it disappeared." She swatted at him lightly as he got into bed beside her again. "You took it?"

"I wasn't going to show you until we- these gems aren't random, are they?" he asked as he rolled the bracelet around his finger.

She realized what he had done and didn't know whether to hug him or burst into tears. "You know they aren't." With one finger, she sought the garnet that represented Starr, right beside Brendan's diamond.

"This ruby is for our new July girl."

The gem was a beautiful, clear red and had been set seamlessly amongst the others. Todd fastened the bracelet around her wrist.

* * *

"The Penn contingent flew in yesterday," Dr. Charles announced when the plane cuts its engines. "Good for us, because they've come to help us load up and get to our new home."

Indeed, hands ripped Starr's backpack from her shoulders almost too eagerly.

"I can take that myself!" she shrieked.

"I know you have a bad history with men stealing your backpack," he said. "Sorry."

Of all the things she might have expected, this was just about the last one.

"Travis?"


	12. Chapter 12

"It really is you," Travis said. "I saw your name on the list. I thought it had to be—you know, how many science geeks are there from Llanview named Starr Manning—but until I saw you—"

Starr decided to let him carry her backpack after all as punishment for freaking her out. "You know I never liked it when you called me a geek."

"You know I meant it as a compliment. Come on." He helped her up the high step into the ATV that was going to take them from the landing strip to the observation center. "You haven't grown since you were thirteen."

Starr was tempted to stick out her tongue. "You aren't exactly the jolly green giant yourself." There was no denying that Travis was handsome, but he was slender and looked younger than his twenty-two years. "What are you doing here?" she asked when he'd stowed her bag and seated himself next to her.

"Same as you. I always liked an adventure."

Starr laughed at the memory. "We were so convinced we could do it. Run all the way to the Grand Canyon."

"And the Pacific Ocean."

"Did you ever get to see it?" She remembered that he had desperately wanted to.

"Nah. Some girl told me it was pretty much the same as the Atlantic, except with bigger waves."

Something warm stirred inside Starr and spread to the tips of her fingers and toes. Travis remembered things she'd said to him a lifetime ago. Their summer romance—her first kiss on the bridge in Central Park, her first dance at the Community Center in Llanview—had meant something to him. The life she'd had during her father's absence hadn't just been swept away. It was part of other people, too, even if she didn't always see them.

"I'm surprised you went to the University of Pennsylvania. I thought you'd go somewhere far away, somewhere that was more than a train ride from New York."

"It was the best school I got into and it gave me the best scholarship. Mom cried when she saw the acceptance letter. Once in a while you have to do the right thing even if it's boring."

"How's your mom?"

Travis' eyes went blank. "The same. I know it's been a long time, but losing a child, that's not something you ever get over, right?"

Starr felt a rush of pained sympathy for Mrs. O'Connell. When she'd been a self-centered kid playing at romance with Travis, she'd mainly appreciated how easily led Mrs. O'Connell was. Travis had been able to convince her to let him attend summer camp in Llanview; Starr had nearly been able to convince her to take a job at L.U. and move Travis to Llanview entirely. Now she saw with new eyes how the woman must have been struggling to make it through every day with an angry teenage son, a dead daughter, no support system, and no money to buy any help.

"How old was Terry when she died? Three?" The same age as Hope. Starr's heart tightened in her chest.

"Three, almost four. She would have been twelve last summer. Almost old enough to meet a boy on the internet and try to run away with him. Too old for me to call her Shrimp Girl." Travis smiled the smile belonging only to people who had felt the kind of grief that would never go away. Starr recognized it right away.

"She never would have been too old for you to call her Shrimp Girl."

"Maybe," said Travis in a way that made it clear that the topic was closed. "How's your family? Did your parents stay together?"

"They're married now," Starr said. She suddenly felt too tired to explain that the man Travis had known as her father wasn't her father at all.

"Like you always wanted."

"Exactly like I always wanted."

"Good. And Jack?"

"He's a pain in the butt." She grinned. "And Sam wasn't even born yet when you knew us. He's great. And I have a little sister on the way. This trip is going to be over just in time for me to meet her."

"Sounds perfect."

"It is," she said firmly, because it was.

Just then, the ATV hit a bump in the road. Starr shrieked and Travis grabbed her to steady her. "This is nothing," he said.

"I don't get out in the middle of nowhere much."

"I don't believe you."

"What about you? You didn't get to the Pacific Ocean. Where did you go?"

"Well, last summer, my friend and I got these motorcycles…"

The hilarious and slightly improbable story lasted until they reached the research center. Most of the space was given over to labs and offices. The "dorm" looked more like a cabin at a summer camp than anything Starr had seen at L.U. Sixteen women were assigned to one room with eight bunk beds. Starr happily claimed a top bunk above Yuri, who didn't seem to mind being stuck on the bottom. (Truthfully, Starr couldn't bring herself to ask. If she knew for a fact that Yuri wanted a top bunk like every normal person on the planet, she would have to offer to take turns or something.)

By the time they had unpacked, toured the facility, and eaten dinner, Starr was beyond exhausted.

Memories of Travis swirled around her as her head sank into her pillow.

_Starr grabbed the mouse away from Travis, but not too fast, not too hard. She was eager to show him the Sun's website, but she wanted to stretch out the moment where her fingers touched hers. "Let me see this. That's my dad. And if you click on his picture, look, that's a special code to me— 'O great one.'"_

Travis saw the possibilities right away. "You know, I bet if we had his password, we could get all kinds of cool stuff. 'O great one' But that's your screen name."

"I really am great, aren't I?" Back then, she had had no doubt.  
_  
"I guess so," said Travis._ Back then, that had been all the compliment she needed, and she had accepted it easily.  
_  
"This gives us total access of the newspaper," she explained. "Tomorrow's paper. My dad's the editor in chief."_

"You know, I bet we could change all kinds of stuff and no one would ever notice."

"Yeah, like 'Woman gives birth to baby elephant.'"

"Or vice versa."

"Elephant gives birth to baby woman!"

"Man gives birth to baby elephant."

"We could cause a lot of trouble with this."

Starr smiled as she drifted off to sleep.

The biggest adventure of her life was off to a good start.

* * *

Todd managed to put off the trip to the dentist for three weeks after Starr abandoned him to go chase snakes.

With Starr in South America, the boys back in school, and Dorian's two young daughters squatting in La Boulaie and insisting on helping with Hope, Todd knew that Blair really did have enough time to accompany him to the dentist's office.

He turned down her offer. He didn't want her to get the idea that she was his baby-sitter in addition to playing mother or pseudo-mother to everyone else in the house, except perhaps Adriana, who spent most of her time with the Vegas anyway.

So he went into the dentist's office alone. He had survived the doctor's appointment and proved that there was nothing wrong with him—not physically, at any rate. He could survive the dentist, too. Whatever had reduced him to a sniveling lump in the hospital in Washington was over and done with.

That was before the dental assistant started in on him with her dagger and ice pick.

He knew it wasn't the same as when Baker had taken a knife to him. He wasn't tied to the chair. He could get up. He could ask her to stop, and she would, all the while looking at him like a pathetic little puppy who needed his woman to take care of him instead of the other way around.

He tried to take his mind away.

_I have a daughter. Her name is Starr._

I have a daughter, her name is Starr, and she's off in Paraguay with a drug addict she used to have a crush on. Because she has a thing for drug addicts.

I have a daughter, her name is Starr, and even though I've done terrible things to screw her up, I never gave her the idea that drugs are sexy. Even when I was punk frat boy, I was still in training. I wasn't going to get thrown off the team with a positive drug test. I kept it to beer. Okay, it was a lot of beer. Okay, maybe pot, but that was only once in a while and not during the season.

"Rinse out your mouth."

The small white basin turned red. The iron smell of his own blood made him lightheaded and he fell unwillingly back into position.

"Your gums are tender because it's been so long since you had a real cleaning. The gingivitis should fade away if you keep up with brushing and flossing going forward. You won't bleed like this next time."

He didn't answer. He couldn't do anything but obediently open his mouth and try to escape again.  
_  
I have a daughter. Her name is Starr. She might be bleeding to death with the jaws of some giant South American rodent wrapped around her body right now._

Starr has a mother. Her name is Blair. She might be bleeding. Miscarrying. Losing our last chance. Losing her own life.

I have a son. His name is Jack. He's bleeding, that punk he wrestles against never follows the rules…

Jack has a brother. His name is Sam. Baker's men were going to kill him when he saw me, never mind that he's only seven. I have to stop them, I have to save Sam—

Sam's blood started to choke him.

The dental assistant told him to rinse out his mouth again. The blood clustered thickly in the water in the basin. He couldn't take his eyes off of it. Blood was all that was left. Baker was going to take all of his blood, all of it, and he was never going to see his daughter again or know if she'd learned to drive.

Someone said something about going to get the dentist to check but he was gagging too hard to answer.

When the water washed away the blood, he remembered where he was and felt that his shirt was soaked with sweat. He looked down at it; it didn't show very much. He arranged himself in the chair.

It was almost over.

He had made it.

Then the dentist came in with an obnoxiously cheery smile and announced that while they would fix the other cavities in a week or so, that loose filling absolutely had to go now before Todd did real damage to himself. The dentist had rearranged his schedule to do it, he said, as if Todd was supposed to be grateful.

Todd started to say no, but then he remembered that that wouldn't work and anyway he wasn't going to give Baker the satisfaction. Baker thought taking all his blood would make him break but it wouldn't. He wouldn't tell, he couldn't tell, he didn't know.

They came at him with a needle, and not for the first time. "Can you feel that?" asked Baker.

"No," said Todd automatically. As if he'd admit it if Baker was hurting him. Baker knew what he was doing. He didn't need any help.

Baker and his goons were wearing masks. Somehow, that pleased Todd. They seemed to think that he might, somehow, some way, escape and turn them over to the police. Or hunt them down and kill them himself. If they didn't have him strapped down, he would take all three of them right now.

The rubber things they were shoving into his mouth were new. Some new kind of electric shock. They were bored with doing it through his wrists.

He couldn't feel his wrists. He didn't know where they were. Maybe they had been cut off by the spinning, whining drill.

They propped his mouth open and jammed the drill in. They were going to suffocate him. No, remove his teeth. Make sure that even when he escaped, eating wouldn't be any fun. Make it even harder to know who he was.

A chill ran down his spine.

He wasn't sure who he was.

Who was he?

"I have a daughter. Her name is Starr," he garbled around metal and rubber. It sounded like gibberish.

"Wait a second. I've got the old one off."

He thrust his chest up. "I have a daughter. Her name is Starr." All at once, he realized that they had forgotten to clamp his arms into the restraints. He took his chance pushed forward from his gut, catching Baker in the jaw with his head. Baker pedaled backwards and Todd lunged out of the chair. He punched Baker hard in the face. Something crunched satisfyingly beneath his knuckles. When warm, sticky blood spouted everywhere, he remembered the basin full of blood.

He looked over his shoulder and saw that he was in the dentist's office. Two dental assistants were backed against the wall, their eyes impossibly wide with terror.

The dentist—short and pale where Baker had been tall and dark—was sliding backwards on his own blood. Todd had certainly broken his nose, and perhaps even his jaw.

Todd's hands flew to his own face and removed the miniature scaffolding that had been placed in his mouth.

Tears fell on his hands and mixed with the blood.

Shit.

He was crying. He cried all the time anymore.

He ran.

He didn't even make it out of the building before he realized his mistake. This couldn't be reported to the police or the rival newspapers or, most importantly, to Blair.

He might already have lost his chance to stop it.

He had a thousand dollars in cash; he had a very valuable watch; he had a credit card with no limit.

He reentered the dentist's office.

"I didn't mean for that to happen," he told the cowering receptionist. He laid the money and the watch on the table and backed away slowly. "How much to make this go away?"


	13. Chapter 13

After Starr left, Hope lasted a month without a single nightmare. Todd and Blair were more convinced than ever that they had made the right decision by encouraging Starr to go ahead with her education and leave Hope in their care.

Then, on the last Friday night in February, Hope's screams echoed through the house not two hours after Blair had put her to bed.

Jack, who was in a bad mood anyway because Neela had canceled their date at the last minute, clapped his hands over his ears and grimaced.

Blair sighed and told Todd that he should check on Sam to see that Hope hadn't woken him, and she would see to Hope. Todd shook his head.

"No. You take Sam, I'll take Peanut. Most pregnant person gets the easiest job."

"Does that mean I'm the most pregnant person if I stay here and finish watching the movie?" asked Jack.

"No, that means it's your job to hit pause, go make popcorn, and get me a beer."

Jack grunted a surly acknowledgement.

"Do it with a smile, and you can have a beer too," Todd called over his shoulder.

He found Hope under the rocking chair in the corner of her room. The air was thick with terror, although the screaming stopped as soon as Todd turned on the light.

"Hi, Peanut," he said, crouching down to her level. "what's wrong?"

Hope pointed at her closet.

"Is somebody in there?"

Hope nodded.

Todd nodded in return. "They didn't know that your Grandpa Todd comes as soon as you need him, did they?" He plucked a plastic wiffle bat from the highest shelf in Hope's bookcase put it over his shoulder as he approached the closet door. He held a finger to his lips to tell Hope not to warn whoever or whatever it was. Then he flung the door open and swung the bat with all his might.

He made a great show of searching the closet, which was devoid of anything but clothes and toys.

"You sure they were in the closet?" he asked Hope. "Not under the bed, maybe?" He checked there, too, and learned that whoever they paid to vacuum earned his or her keep. He crawled on his hands and knees over to the chair. "Can you come out now?"

Hope crawled out and he swept her into his arms, then sat in the chair with her curled tightly in his lap. "Do you think it might have been a dream?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"What did you dream about?"

"She shot Mommy and Daddy." Hope made a gun with her finger to prove her point. "They aren't coming back."

"Your Mommy is coming back. You'll see your Mommy in June. You remember that, right? She's coming home. It might feel like a long time between then and now, but we can always talk about her and think of things we want to tell her." He stood with Hope in his arms and pulled Fred the Magic Frog from his place beside Hope's bed. They sat together on the bed. "And we can always tell Fred what we want Mommy to hear. He'll get the message though right away."

Hope sniffled. "Daddy."

"We can use Fred to talk to Daddy, too."

"Daddy's dead."

Todd was taken aback. Hope's grasp of the concept of dead versus alive was shaky, but he hadn't known that she thought Cole was dead. The whole family had told her otherwise after she had seen Hannah shoot Cole. Her conclusion wasn't ridiculous, though, considering that she hadn't seen Cole since that night. "Daddy isn't dead."

Hope stuck out her lip petulantly.

"In your dream, was it that crazy Hannah you saw shoot Mommy and Daddy?"

Hope nodded.

Todd had automatically assumed that "she" was Irene. Thankfully, that was only in his own nightmares. The tip of his tongue flicked, as it often did, to the sharp shards of the half-tooth in the back of his mouth. The old filling had been removed, but Todd had rearranged the dentist's face before he had been able to replace it.

"Hannah can't hurt you or Mommy or Daddy now. Mommy will be back in the summer, and you'll see Daddy, too."

"When?"

"After Mommy comes home. A long time after that. Maybe when you're seven. That's Sam's age, right?"

"Now! I want Daddy now!"

And Hope, her fear gone, launched into the worst temper tantrum Todd had seen since Jack had hit the terrible twos.

He really hoped Jack hadn't gone too far with the promise of beer and downed a six-pack.

The stuffed rabbit with which Hope slept had tumbled to the floor, and Todd picked it up and danced it around Hope's head.

"Ninety-nine drunken bunnies on the wall," he sang. "Ninety-nine drunken bunnies. Take one down, and sober him up, and there's ninety-eight drunken bunnies on the wall."

It took until the eighty-third drunken bunny for Hope to stop screaming and sing along. It took until the fifty-fifth for her to fall asleep.

Todd arranged her blankets around her and flicked his tongue, again, to the ruined tooth. Starr was gone, replaced by Dorian's two creepy spy-girls. But he still had a piece of Starr in her daughter.

"One of these days you'll want to spend Friday night at the mall with your friends. I'll miss you then."

* * *

For the first time, Neela Patel was spending Friday night at the mall with friends, and she was giddy with excitement. Five months after setting foot in America as a runaway, she was living like a real American girl in a real American movie. She had hoped desperately hard for an invitation like the one she'd gotten that afternoon. But she had never dared to wish that the invitation would come from Becca, the prettiest senior in the whole school.

She hadn't even known that Becca knew her name. She'd been stupid enough to blurt that out to Becca, and Becca explained that because of cheerleading she was good friends with Beth, who was a sophomore like Neela.

Neela had canceled her movie date with Jack. He had been understanding about it, since he had to cancel their dates for soccer or wrestling at least a few times a month.

She hadn't told Jack who had invited her. She knew that he thought that Beth hated him because her boyfriend Brad had gone to prison and Jack had not. But that was no reason for her to turn down the best invitation she'd ever had in her entire life. Maybe she would get to be friends with Beth, and Beth would see Jack through her eyes, and Beth and Jack would be friends again. Jack would quietly whisper his thanks in her ear as they danced in the candlelit gym at the March Mixer. He would smile that smile so perfect that it should never have existed outside her imagination. Then he would kiss her, and she would feel just as beautiful as girls like Becca and Beth did all the time.

She didn't realize how lost she had become in her daydream until Becca waved a hand in her face. "This one?" she asked. She spun around in a bright purple dress with a slit so far up the thigh that Neela's eyes widened of their own accord.

"Look at her face!" laughed Beth. "That's the one."

"It has to be perfect," said Becca. "My freshman year, there was an accident at the March Mixer—this boy ended up paralyzed, two other kids in the hospital—so it can't be anything other than perfect now."

Neela didn't bother to wonder what a dress that her father and brother wouldn't let her wear even if she were married had to do with a paralyzed boy. She was too busy memorizing every moment of this experience starting with Becca's purple dress, Beth's off-white one, and even her own, much younger looking, dark blue dress.

Her first dance as an American high school student was off to the perfect start.

When the dresses were paid for, Becca and Beth led Neela to the food court. She had often seen groups of teenagers hanging out there, but this was her first chance to be one of them. Beth brought them a tray of milkshakes and French fries, and then she and Becca worried for half an hour about how they might not fit into their new dresses after this.

"You're both so beautiful and so thin," said Neela honestly. "I can't imagine that you'd even worry about that."

They looked at Neela like she was a cute puppy and she wondered if she had said the wrong thing.

"You're right," said Becca to Beth. "She's the sweetest girl."

Neela's heart swelled. Maybe she could succeed at this after all, even though she'd only had a few months' experience and lifetime of movies to learn what the American-born girls had known naturally at birth.

"So you think it's okay to tell her?" Beth asked Becca.

Neela sat up straight and her heart pounded. She loved secrets. She loved fitting in. She loved the mall, the food court, the greasy French fries, the dresses, Beth, and Becca.

Becca considered, tossing her hair like the queen she was. "All right," she agreed. Her voice fell to a whisper. "I think we can trust her."

"You can!" said Neela anxiously. Then she felt like an idiot.

"At our school, there's a group of girls," Beth began solemnly.

Of course, Neela knew that. At their school there was nothing but groups of girls. She hardly ever saw a girl alone, and when she did she was overwhelmed with pity and fear that that might be her if it weren't for her gorgeous boyfriend.

"There's a group of girls that are the prettiest, and the nicest, and the best," said Becca.

"Not the most modest," said Beth.

"False modesty is a sin," said Becca loftily.

"We think you'd fit in," Beth said, and she smiled so widely that Neela smiled back.

"Really?" asked Neela. This was the second-best day of her life, right after the day she'd met Jack.

"But there's something you have to do," said Beth.

"Anything!"

"At the March Mixer, we always play a practical joke."

A warning bell went off in Neela's head. "Is that how that boy got paralyzed?"

"It was an accident," said Becca coolly.

"Nothing to do with anything," said Beth.

"You'll be there with Jack Manning," said Becca, so friendly again that Neela decided that she had imagined the coolness.

"Yes, he's my boyfriend. For five months!" Neela never got tired of saying that.

"He's not on the basketball team anymore. He's wrestling instead. That's a little…" Beth trailed off, and she and Becca giggled.

Neela wanted to defend Jack, but she couldn't. She knew that wrestling was officially a loser sport, and she couldn't very well talk about why Jack had chosen it. That was personal.

"He's embarrassing you a little. You could embarrass him a little."

"Embarrass Jack how?"

"Are you sure you want to join our group?"

"Yes!"

"You can take it right back. It won't hurt Jack for long, just for a few minutes. Then everyone will laugh and say it was a good joke."

"Okay."

Becca and Beth giggled as Neela waited breathlessly. Finally, Beth spoke.

"Pretend he raped you."


	14. Chapter 14

One of the things that Blair liked better about parenting a girl than parenting a boy was the afternoon before a dance. She had treasured the closeness she had shared with Starr as they mulled over the perfect dress, the perfect accessories, and the perfect hair.

Jack stepped away from the Z-Box five minutes before he had to leave to pick up Neela, put on a suit, and called goodbye over his shoulder.

"Get Rama to send me the pictures she takes of the two of you together," Blair yelled after him.

"Okay," yelled Jack, and that was at least a small victory.

* * *

"Thank you so much, Rama," Neela said for the hundredth time as he sister-in-law put the final touches on her manicure.

Neela was beyond excited. She and Jack had been together for the most wonderful five months of her life, but they had never been to a dance together. The March Mixer was a warm-up for the biggest dance of all—the prom.

It was very nerve-wracking even when she didn't think about what Beth and Becca had suggested.

At first she had decided that she would never do such a thing to Jack. Then she had decided that Jack would understand, and the prank would only last for a few minutes anyway. Then she returned to her original decision.

Several times she almost asked Rama what she thought, but she couldn't take the risk of Rama telling Vimal—the two of them were very into complete honesty lately—and Vimal would overreact. Vimal overreacted to a lot of things. It was part of his charm when it wasn't annoying.

The doorbell rang at exactly 7:00 and Neela ran to answer it.

"No, no!" Rama corrected. "You let me answer it, and then you make your grand entrance."

There were so many things that Neela didn't know.

Once she'd made her entrance—she wasn't sure how grand it was—she took Jack's proffered arm, ready to get on with it, when Rama called them back for photographs.

"Rama!" Neela complained. How could Rama have been so supportive only to be such an embarrassment in front of Jack?

"My Mom asked you to email copies of the pictures," Jack said.

Rama grinned victoriously. "Of course."

Neela shrank into herself just a little. She had done the wrong thing again.

As soon as they arrived at school, Neela tripped trying to avoid a patch of ice and Jack dropped his wallet trying to steady her. To hide her blush from the bright lights emanating from the gymnasium, she reached down to pick the wallet up.

It fell open and a condom fell out.

Neela's jaw dropped.

She had never seen a condom other than the one the gym teacher had put on a banana in the mandatory assembly they'd had right before the winter holidays. Even then, she hadn't looked too closely. She hadn't wanted to appear too interested when all of her classmates were laughing knowingly.

She never would have guessed that Jack would carry one. She was nowhere near ready for that. She hadn't thought that Jack was, either. He stopped their makeout sessions just as often as she did on the rare occasion that they went much beyond kissing.

"Are you all right?" Jack asked. He hadn't seen what she had seen.

"Yes," she covered shakily. "I just hope your wallet isn't ruined because of my clumsiness."

"If it is, I'll get a new one." He kissed her cheek. She didn't feel any better.

She was relieved when Becca, Beth, and a few other girls met them at the door and demanded her opinion on a makeup touch-up. They hurried into the girls' locker room, and before she knew it she was blurting out that Jack carried a condom.

* * *

Jack didn't like Neela's newfound friendship with Beth at all. He knew that he couldn't tell Neela who to be friends with, but it made him uncomfortable to have his girlfriend spending time with someone who had seen him at his absolute worst. The only thing worse would have been Neela spending time with Shane. At least Shane was thousands of miles away.

He lurked around the girls' locker room and waited for Neela to come out. Some of his soccer teammates gestured that he should join them where they were clustered around the food, but he waved them off. He couldn't shake the feeling that he had to stay close to Neela, as if there was some sort of disaster creeping closer and closer.

He sensed something. A bad something.

He made a quick study of the hall the way he had seen Todd do. Where could danger come from? Who was where, and what were their motivations?

The only thing that seemed out of place was Destiny Evans, slumped on a bench and looking very unhappy.  
_  
She must miss Dani,_ Jack thought. Dani and Destiny had been inseparable. Since Dani was his sister, he decided, he would check on Destiny on her behalf.

"Hey," he said. He sat down beside Destiny. "Are you all right?"

"What's it to you?" Destiny snapped.

Of course. Destiny had been Team Shane all the way. Jack would always be dirt on the bottom of her shoe even when he was trying to be nice. The things he had done, no matter how inadvertent, would never be lived down or forgiven.

Destiny looked at him like Neela would look at him if she spent much more time with Beth.

"Where's Matthew?" Jack asked. If Destiny wanted to rub his nose in how he was about to lose Neela, he could remind her that her pseudo-boyfriend was nowhere in sight.

"With David and your Aunt Dorian in Washington," Destiny said. "He goes to visit David every time we get a few days off from school."

"That sucks," said Jack. "I mean, it's great that he has somewhere he likes to go, but it's too bad that he can't be here with you."

"High school was hard on Matthew," said Destiny, looking sadly toward the gym. "He's over it. He's over me. He's ready for something new."

"His loss."

"Thanks."

"I heard you got into Harvard." Shaun hadn't been able to stop crowing about it the last time he had checked the security systems at La Boulaie. "Congratulations."

"Thanks," Destiny repeated. She didn't look any happier. Jack decided that his mission had been a bust.

* * *

In the locker room, Beth and Becca and the other girls told Neela that there was only one possibility: Jack wasn't pushing Neela to sleep with him because he was already sleeping with someone else.

Neela didn't believe it.

Becca pulled her to the corner of the door so they could peek into the hall. "You know who that girl is that he's talking to?"

Neela shook her head.

"That's Destiny Evans. She's in my year. She had a baby in January. So you know she puts out. That's where Jack's getting it, Neela. Destiny."

"He wouldn't," said Neela, but she had been wrong about practically everything that night. She hadn't thought that she shouldn't answer the door herself. She hadn't thought that Jack would want Rama to take pictures. She had tripped over her own feet. She hadn't thought that Jack would carry a condom.

"That's his family," Becca whispered soothingly. "They're all like that. His sister Starr—she was major slut. She had a baby in high school, too."

"Starr was always really nice to me," said Neela honestly.

"She's nice to your face, and then behind your back—" Becca snapped her fingers—"She steals your man. She did it to my friend Brittany. She was in Starr's class. Cole—that's Starr's baby-daddy—he was Brittany's boyfriend and Starr stole him and got pregnant. Brittany was so upset that her parents put her in another school. And you should have seen Starr, getting up in front of the whole student body in assembly and bragging about how she had sex with Cole and was having his baby. The principal wanted to throw her out, but Starr's mom threatened to sue. That's how the Mannings are. I was here, I saw it with my own eyes."

* * *

Destiny punched Jack hard on the shoulder.

"What's the big idea?" asked Jack irritably. Sneering at him was one thing, but she didn't need to hit him when he was just trying to be nice to a family friend.

"Look, look, look," hissed Destiny. "Did you see Neela sticking her head out of the locker room? Did you see who she was with?"

"You can't see into the girls' locker room from here. If you could, I'd know."

Destiny rolled her eyes. "The reflection in the window, idiot. Did you see who was whispering in her ear?"

"Beth, probably," said Jack disconsolately.

"No. Becca. You know who Becca is?"

"The cheerleader. She's a senior."

"Right. At the March Mixer my freshman year, she asked Matthew to dance. Then her boyfriend Justin got up and said Matthew had dedicated this really sappy song to her, and Becca said that Matthew was disgusting and she'd only danced with him on a dare. Matthew was so upset he got in car with Cole even though he knew Cole was high, and that's how he ended up paralyzed."

"Right." Jack had heard snatches of the story at the time, but mostly how it pertained to Starr and Cole's relationship. "That's the girl?"

"That's her!" Destiny leaned close into Jack. "She is up to something and she's putting Neela up to something. Since Dani is my best friend in the world and she isn't here, I'm warning you for her—if you have anything to do with it, stop it. You're spitting on Gigi Morasco's grave if you do something like that again."

"I'm not doing anything!"

"Then God help you with Becca in your girlfriend's ear. She's a snake. Always was, always will be."

* * *

"Look at the way she's leaning into Jack, and whispering in his ear. _Her_ boyfriend's out of town, but _you're_ right here!" Becca told Neela. "Doesn't that piss you off? I'm pissed off for you."

"Me too," said Beth. She slung her arm around Neela, and Neela wondered at how perfect Beth's skin and nails and jewelry were. "Boyfriends come and go, but friends are forever. If you want to be our friend, that is."

* * *

All night long, Jack couldn't shake his feeling of nervousness. He looked around the gym, but instead of March Mixer decorations he saw Shane running out of the locker room naked. He listened to the music, but Destiny's warning rang in his ears and drowned it out.

Neela seemed nervous too. Several times he asked her what was wrong, and he asked if she wanted to leave early. Each time he asked, she told him no.

Around 9:00, students started taking turns grabbing the microphone and dedicating songs to each other. Jack tensed each time someone new spoke.

This was how he had felt when Irene had been on the loose, waiting to drag him to a warehouse and cut out his heart.

This was how he had made Shane feel.

This was how that bitch Brittany had made Starr feel all those years ago when she had hijacked the Halloween dance to give everyone a crash course in Todd and Blair's history. Maybe it was how Matthew had felt just before he'd spent a year in a wheelchair. Or how Langston's crazy cousin Lola had felt the night she'd come home to La Boulaie from the prom high as a kite.

As far as Jack could tell, nothing good ever happened at Llanview High School dances.

"Neela," he said. "We have to go."

Something was going to happen and he didn't want to be there for it.

"No!" whined Neela, even though he was sure that she was as tense as he was. She hugged him more closely, but for once he couldn't enjoy it.

He opened his mouth to lie and say he was sick, but the song wound to an end and Becca and Beth had grabbed Neela by the arms and dragged her up to the microphone.

"Neela!" he yelled after them. A few of his soccer teammates snickered; most of the rest of the school was still too afraid of him to make fun of him. But the eyes that weren't on Neela were on him. Everyone knew them—the exotic, beautiful new girl from the other side of the world and her boyfriend, the killer who had almost caused his classmate's suicide.

Beth grabbed the microphone, her eyes as bright as Jack had ever seen them. She was dressed in white, like innocence and purity. What a joke.

"I'd like to dedicate this next song to Jack Manning," said Beth. "His girlfriend, Neela, she's new here and she's too shy to do this by herself. But she has something that has to be known, something that has to be said in front of everyone."

A few bars of familiarly innocuous music began to play.

"Jack Manning raped me," said Neela.

"Like father, like son," said Beth. "Probably the real reason that Shane Morasco tried to throw himself off the roof last year was because Jack raped him, too."

Everything Jack had learned from the disaster with Shane and Gigi, his kidnapping at the hands of a madwoman, and the revelation that his family was not at all what he'd thought it was vanished.

"You lying bitch!" he shouted at Neela across the room. The music had stopped. Everyone in the school heard him.

Shane's name filled the air, and Gigi's too. Then came Marty's and Todd's and Starr's and Cole's. The juniors and seniors had gone to school with Starr and suddenly they had all been her closest confidants and had heard the things she'd said about her psychotic little brother.

Jack didn't get to hear much of it because he was being marched to the principal's office, with which he was intimately familiar. He favored his escorts with some impressively obscene language he hadn't used since before Irene had died.

"Don't make it worse for yourself, Jack," said Destiny, who was trotting along beside him.

The principal told her in no uncertain terms to return to the dance.

"Yeah, _Density_," said Becca, who skipping along on the principal's other side.

Destiny ignored her. "You do know that the girl who started this is the same girl who got Matthew Buchanan paralyzed at the March Mixer three years ago, right?" Destiny pointed at Becca.

"I didn't get Cole hooked on drugs or crash that car," said Becca.

"Both of you! Back to the dance!"

Now behind the closed door of the principal's office, Jack didn't know whether Becca and Destiny obeyed.

But he did know that there was something he could do that he wished he'd done the last time his world had exploded. Before the principal could tell him not to, he pulled out his phone.

Blair answered on the first ring.

"Mom? I'm in trouble."


	15. Chapter 15

Blair asked Jack to repeat what had happened several times. Each time his story remained unchanged, she got angrier and angrier.

"They're going to arrest me." Jack gulped. "They're going to arrest me and I didn't do anything."

"If they arrest you, you do as you're told and we'll get you out. You made it through a night in lockup once and you can do it again," she said with more confidence than she felt. Todd and Starr had been with Jack when Jack had spent the night in jail the previous fall.

"No," whispered Jack.

Blair handed the phone to Todd, who was pacing the length of the room with fists and jaw clenched. "Talk to your son," she said while removing Todd's own phone from his pocket. That, she used to call John McBain.

It took a fair amount of convincing to prod John to meet them at the high school. "I'm not asking you to do it for Jack!" she snapped when he didn't seem to care whether the students resolved the dispute without a formal complaint and investigation. "I'm asking you to do it for me." She ended the call. She knew he would be there.

She and Todd exchanged phones. "Bitch of a principal made him hang up," said Todd by way of explanation.

"_Langston_!" Blair hollered up the stairs without answering Todd. "Come down here!"

Langston skipped down the stairs in her bare feet with a thick anthology of literature in her hand. "What's wrong? Is it the baby?" Her hands caressed Blair's thickening middle like Starr's would have. It was reassuring to have her there, caring and reliable.

"No, it's Jack. There's a problem at the dance."

"When isn't there?" asked Langston. "I'm surprised dances are even allowed there anymore."

"I may petition to have them banned after this. Can you handle Hope and Sam tonight if they wake up?"

"Of course. Go."

Langston sent them on their way with a hug.

"I never liked that girl," said Todd as they sped toward the high school.

"Neela?" asked Blair. "You never mentioned that. You were too busy strutting because your son had a beautiful girlfriend."

"Not Neela. Langston. You know what she's doing right now. She's calling Dorian and telling her that I destroyed my son's life."

"Langston would never do that."

Todd rolled his shoulders. "I didn't like the way she put her hands on the baby. Like she was Starr or something."

Blair noticed that she and Todd had had the same thought even if they had reacted to it differently. "I may not be Langston's mother, but there are times when I'm the closest thing she has. She's been part of this family for a long time, Todd. She loves us and we love her. But this is not about Langston, this is about Jack."

"You don't need to remind me."

Blair twisted her neck and grabbed Todd by the chin to force him to look at her. "If you aren't up to this, you don't have to come in."

"What you mean is, my being there will make it worse for Jack because they all know I did what Jack is being accused of."

As she usually did, Blair ignored Todd's attempt at distraction. "What I mean is, I know you haven't been doing very well." Todd had been trying so desperately hard to pretend that nothing had been going on that Blair had let him pretend in the hopes that time would heal him. Many times in her life, time had been all she needed—which had been just as well, because many times time had been all she had had.

The little monster that called itself Neela Patel had forced her hand tonight. She would have to be blunt with Todd because she might not be able to handle him and Jack at the same time. And Jack was going to take priority.

"You think I can't deal with a bunch of teenagers and their uptight principal calling me a rapist? I know what I am."

"We aren't going to stay at the school. We're going straight to the hospital, and that little girl Neela is going to have a very special examination. I'm thinking of bribing the doctor to put the speculum in the freezer before he uses it on her."

"If that's what you think we should do. I'm definitely deferring to you on that."

Blair smirked at the thought. There weren't many things you could get away with doing to a fifteen-year-old girl, but this one had potential. Still, she had to return to the matter at hand. "The last time I tried to get you to the hospital, you went right for the liquid courage."

"No one's going to be examining me this time."

Blair was taken aback. She had expected Todd to deny it. "And I know you had a rough time at the dentist because you wouldn't talk about it and you haven't been eating normally."

"I've never eaten normally. Viki got all the table manners in the family."

"Normal for you. If being in the hospital on top of the possibility of Jack blaming you for what Neela did is going to be too much for you—"

"I didn't break out of a high-security paramilitary facility to abandon my son when he needs me."

Blair let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. He had been back in her life for less than a year, but she had gotten used to facing the world with Todd at her side. She had started to rely on having his support. It was relaxing and terrifying all at once.

Todd was being honest with her. Todd was fighting for their son with her instead of using his problems to drive them apart. Todd looked at her like they both loved Jack the same way instead of like he couldn't fathom how they had come to share children.

"Jack and I are lucky to have you," she told Todd.

"Lucky that any teenage punk can use my crimes against him," said Todd darkly.

"Lucky even with that," said Blair honestly even though she knew that Todd would never believe her.

* * *

Neela had already recanted her accusation, amidst wracking sobs that moved Blair not at all, by the time Todd and Blair arrived at the school. She was sequestered in the nurse's office with her brother, sister-in-law, and friends, while Jack was confined to the principal's office. Blair could see him through the glass, looking like a scared little boy. Her first instinct was to pull him into her arms and take him home, but she forced it down. "I love you. I will fix this," she whispered through the glass.

A team of uniformed officers was there, too, along with John McBain. "Thank you," Blair mouthed to him silently from across the room. He nodded in his John-like way.

Vimal was fussing over his sister, loudly spouting off plans to return her to India where she would be safe. It was Rama who approached Blair, while Todd backed away from the group—observing all, but not involving himself.

"It's not clear what happened," Rama said.

"Well," said Blair, not allowing herself the short-term satisfaction of wringing Rama's neck when there was a long-term plan in her sights, "I think the best thing to do would be to make it clear."

"How do you suggest that we do that?"

"We need to go forward as if Jack really did rape your sister-in-law. She needs to have a rape kit done."

Rama stood her ground. "I'm not going to subject a confused teenager to an invasive procedure designed for a grown woman if it isn't necessary."

Blair bit her tongue until it bled._ She's gown enough to throw accusations of rape, but not grown enough to sit in a doctor's office for fifteen minutes? No wonder she's "confused." She's surrounded by people who make Tina Lord Roberts look like a MENSA candidate._

When she trusted herself to speak, Blair put on her phoniest, most Southern tones of concern. "But Rama, what if something did happen? The longer you wait, the faster the evidence will fade."

"Wouldn't that be good for your son?"

"No more than it would be for Neela. If Jack is out of control, he needs to be punished before he hurts someone else. If there's even the slightest chance that Neela was hurt, that needs to be taken seriously."

"Your concern for Neela is touching," said Rama.

"As is your concern for Jack."

"Then you understand why I think it is best that they both go home and forget about it."

Rama was a more formidable opponent than Blair had expected. She felt her blood pressure rise, and the baby girl inside her kicked with outrage. She placed her hand on her stomach, and Rama's eyes flicked downwards. No one liked to be in a heated conversation with a visibly pregnant woman.

Todd, too, had noticed Blair's gesture and rushed to her side. Somehow, that was Blair's undoing. She dropped her pretense.

"Jack is not going to be able to forget about this. Neela was the only person outside his family that he trusted when he was trying to turn his life around. She threw that away, and the accusation that it took her five seconds to make is going to follow Jack around for the rest of his life. So, yes, she's going to prove what you and I and everyone else who actually knows what happened has already figured out. We can carpool to the hospital if you like."

"No."

"Fine, take your own car. But you'd better meet us there in fifteen minutes."

"Neela's not going to do that."

"I think she will," said Todd hoarsely.

Rama looked from Blair to Todd and took the slightest step back. "Why do you think that?"

"Because I own a tabloid newspaper and I have no journalistic ethics whatsoever."

Rama cut her eyes to Vimal, who was still fussing over a crying Neela. If Vimal ever shared stories from his time on the job with Rama, she was well aware of exactly how far Todd's ethics extended.

"How does that affect Neela, Mr. Manning?"

Blair tried to send a mental message to Todd not to fire Vimal yet. They didn't need to give up that leverage before an addition had been made to Neela's medical records.

"I can't imagine that your husband or your father-in-law will react well when Neela's sexual exploits are splashed across the front page of The Sun."

"That's libel."

"Only if you can prove it isn't true, and if you're going to do that, you may as well do it now, before I have to embarrass poor little Neela."

Rama looked back at Blair, who shrugged. Todd wasn't bluffing, and Blair wasn't going to stop him if Rama wasn't susceptible to the face-saving soft sell. Neela wasn't going to get any more consideration than she had extended to Jack.

Then Rama did a very wise thing. She said that she would speak to Vimal.

* * *

The results of the examination offered exactly what everyone had expected: conclusive proof that Neela was still a virgin.

Blair hugged Jack. He was stiff and awkward in her arms. "We never doubted you, son," she told him.

Todd caught her eye from a few steps away. "Now okay?" he asked in a low voice with a nod toward Vimal.

"Perfect," said Blair, and she turned Jack to watch.

"Vimal!" snapped Todd in his most managerial voice.

Vimal already looked cowed. "Mr. Manning?"

"Don't come in to collect your things. I'll have them shipped to you. Obviously, you're fired."

Vimal nodded. It was Rama who objected. "Mr. Manning—"

"You and Neela are barred from the premises as well, of course." Rama's voice died in her throat. Todd's voice dropped to a whisper. "You know, it took prison for me to realize that rape is never funny. Maybe you should make sure that Neela learns that lesson without the prison time. Or maybe I'll just have her deported and her parents can handle that one."

He turned away from the Patels as if completely disinterested. "Ready to go?" he asked Blair and Jack.

"Ready," said Blair, squeezing Jack's shoulders.

"Whatever," said Jack, and Blair inwardly renewed her promise not to let Jack slip back into the isolation and recklessness of the previous year.

The way she and Todd walked out of the hospital with Jack between them was a good start. In the middle of a disaster, it was a moment of perfection.

"What do you want to do?" Blair asked Jack.

"Do about what?" At least it wasn't whatever.

"I mean, this evening, to take your mind off what happened. You want to go for a run, or order junk food, or watch horror movies all night and pretend the girls getting killed are Neela?"

"No."

"You want to talk about it?"

"No."

"You want me to leave you alone until tomorrow?"

"Maybe."

Blair smiled. Jack making her play a guessing game to figure out how to help him wasn't ideal, but it was a vast improvement. "I'm not making promises, but I bet there's a finite amount of money we'd have to pay the grooms at the country club to let us take the horses out in the middle of the night."

Jack shifted in his seat interestedly, then caught himself. "You're five months pregnant. You can't ride."

Blair deflated. She had honestly forgotten that. It would be one more time that Jack felt like his needs came behind a sibling's. "You can ride in the ring and I'll stand outside and cheer you on."

"Maybe," Jack agreed, and it sounded almost like a yes. "If you aren't too tired."

"I couldn't sleep any more than you could, Jack. This whole weekend, we're having whatever kind of family time you want. But there will be family time."

"Okay." Jack almost smiled.

* * *

They heard Hope screaming before they even opened the door.

"I guess that's a no on midnight horseback riding," Jack told Blair. He stomped upstairs to his room, even as Hope's screams changed over to softer whimpers.

Todd and Blair found Hope and Langston in the living room watching a five-year-old DVD of Starr and Cole in the high school's musical.

"See?" Langston was saying. "There's Mommy and Daddy. You'll see them again." She noticed Todd and Blair. "And there's Grandma and Grandpa."

Hope reached for Blair, who sank into the couch with Hope in her arms. She directed her attention to Hope, but quietly listened as Langston told Todd that Hope still believed that Cole was dead.

"Thank you, Langston," said Todd. Blair listened hard for any sign of Todd's supposed dislike of her young cousin, but heard nothing. "She's calmed down now. Can you take her upstairs, please?"

"Sure. Come on, Hope." Langston retrieved Hope from Blair and gave Blair a soft pat on the shoulder. "Back to bed."

Todd sat on the couch beside Blair, but not close enough to touch. She had expected that of him, but she felt bereft all the same.

"When I first came back last summer, I took a picture of our wedding that you were showing Starr," he began without preamble.

"When you were stalking me," Blair agreed. "I remember. Of course I remember." He had given the picture back to her on the night he had revealed himself at the Vickerman premiere. The memory sent shock waves through her body even now.

"It helped me get a handle on who I was. It made some of the noise in my head go quiet. It wasn't like having you in person, but it helped."

"Hope has pictures of Cole in her room," said Blair, searching for the connection.

"But she can't match the memory of a moment up to them like I can match the day we were married to that photograph. Maybe if Peanut got to see Cole one more time and we took a picture we could show it to her every day and remind her that she saw him and he's all right."

Blair sighed. There were no easy answers for any of their children. "Dorian has pulled strings where Cole is concerned before. She might be able to do it again."

"Not Dorian. Well, Dorian only if we don't have any alternatives. You think McBain might have that kind of pull?"

"Maybe. He adores Cole. He'll do it if he can."

"Then I'll ask him tomorrow." He looked at the clock on the DVD player. "Later today. You should go to bed. You and the baby."

"You're not coming?" she asked, even though she had no doubt of the answer.

"Not tonight."

"Maybe we aren't either." She tried to scoot along the couch to lean against him, but she wasn't as mobile as she had been short weeks before. She made it about halfway. Todd declined to meet her in the middle.

"This is supposed to be a stress free pregnancy, remember? Go lie down."

"We're not ready. Talk to me first."

"We've been talking."

"Talking about Hope, Cole, Dorian, John McBain. Not talking about what happened with Jack today."

"That reminds me. I need to email security about Vimal." Todd pulled out his phone and started tapping furiously.

"You and Jack haven't said two words to each other since we got to the school. I don't think you even looked at each other."

"You don't think I watched while my son got treated like a criminal because of something I did before he was born?"

"Because of things he did last year. Because his girlfriend turned out to be a fool. Because there are a lot of vindictive little girls at that school who can hold a grudge as well as you can."

"And because of me."

"And because of you."

"He shouldn't have to look at me or talk to me. None of them should."

Blair shifted uncomfortably. "You're lucky I'm not fast enough to get over there and slap you."

Todd shrugged. "Take your time getting here. I'll wait."

"You are his father for better and for worse, and you don't get to give up now. He's had one father give up on him."

Todd rose to the bait, as she had known he would. "Walker Laurence was never his father."

"Then tomorrow you and Jack will have a conversation, and you will start it because you are the father and he is the son."

"Fine."

Blair didn't force the matter any further. The worst of the crisis had been averted.


	16. Chapter 16

The thing that surprised Starr was how hard she had to work in Paraguay. The time she spent documenting and tagging wildlife was easy and exhilarating; it left her walking on air. The time she spent on the upkeep of their workspace was different from anything she was used to, having grown up as she had in a world of maids and cleaning services. The truly shocking part, though, was the data analysis. She had never gotten less than an A in her math courses. She had never considered that she might be behind the older students. She had also never considered that missing the end of her sophomore year of high school to run away; missing the middle of her junior year to give birth; and getting kidnapped by Russian mobsters to start off her senior year might have had a cumulative effect when she was asked to put all of her knowledge together.

Dr. Charles always found time to tutor her, though, and he always seemed genuinely pleased to do so. Once Starr would have accepted the extra attention as her due. Now she felt overwhelmed by the small kindness.

She sang a soft, happy song to herself as she left her tutoring session late one night.

"Starr!"

"Travis!"

She hadn't been able to see Travis often. Everyone was always either working or sleeping. She had barely even had time to worry that she was rarely able to get internet access to read her parents' updates on Hope.

She hadn't even had the chance to tell Travis about the two biggest developments in her life since they'd dated: that the man he'd known as Todd Manning wasn't Todd Manning, and that she'd left a three-year-old daughter back in Llanview.

Or maybe she hadn't wanted to tell him.

She got a nasty little thrill out of pretending that she was wild and free and ready to run off at the drop of a hat.

And her blood quickened deliciously when she realized that Travis was asking her to do just that.

They had been warned not to leave the work area without checking out and leaving behind an itinerary, but Starr had never been a fan of that kind of rule.

She was especially willing to ignore that rule when Travis took her hand. That made her feel young again, like the weight of the world had been taken off of her shoulders. She was confident and excited and thirteen years old, standing with an enticingly older boy in Central Park:

_"Look, it's said that if two people stand here and pledge to be true to each other and then drop their rings in the water, they'll be bonded forever," Travis said._

"Really?" asked Starr. She couldn't get over how many things Travis knew. "Do you really think that anybody could be bonded forever?"

"We can try, right?"

Starr took the ring Travis offered her; together, they threw the rings in the water. "Is that it?" Starr asked.

"Well, we're supposed to seal it with a kiss, but, you know-"

"Okay," said Starr a little too eagerly, before she was even certain that Travis was suggesting what she hoped he was suggesting.

That was her first kiss.

It felt like a tiny betrayal of Cole to remember it in such detail as she and Travis darted out of the main research zone.

She didn't see the bunker until Travis vanished inside it.

"How did this get here?" she asked as she followed him down.

"I think it might be from the Paraguayan War. It was back in the 1860s, but it killed over half of the population so no one was ever able to clean up completely, you know?"

"Wow!" Starr looked around and tried to imagine who had built this place. It was small and dingy, but there was a romance to it. "You always find places like this," she recalled, remembering the hideout Travis had had in an abandoned building in Manhattan. He had been comfortable there. She had been terrified.

"I just found this yesterday when I was tracking a wolf. I thought you'd want to see."

"I do," she said.

"You aren't scared?"

Starr glanced around. "A little," she admitted. It had a creepy feel to it, as if the ghosts of the dead soldiers didn't want them to take their hideout so lightly.

A scorpion skittered across the floor; Starr instinctively crushed it beneath her heel.

"Aren't you here to study those, not to kill them?" Travis teased.

"Reflex," said Starr. "It would have scared..." Hope's name stuck in her throat. "Sam," she completed lamely, even though Sam would never have been scared. "My little brother."

"Right," agreed Travis. "You mentioned him."

Starr was distracted from her betrayal of Hope, though, as she registered that floor had echoed beneath her boot. It wasn't a dirt floor, as she had first assumed; it was man-made, and, furthermore, it was hollow.

She stomped her foot hard on the floor twice more. This time, Travis, too, heard the telltale echo.

Their eyes met, bright with curiosity in the dark night.

Together, they ran their hands over the dirty, dusty floor in search of a catch.

One of them must have found one, because the floor gave way and they tumbled, shouting, into a concealed basement.

Snakes and insects had preceded them into the hidden compartment, and Starr swung her flashlight around to drive them back. If they were poisonous, this wasn't the time to tangle with them.

Her eyes widened as she saw that a bright red coral snake had somehow ended up on Travis' shoulder. "Travis," she said in her most measured tones, "stay still. Don't get upset and startle it."

"You'd better be messing with me," said Travis, but he froze where he was. "Starr?"

"Just be calm and I'll take care of it. I was dealing with this kind of thing when I was eight. I told you about the time I found a man chained to a wheel in an abandoned funhouse and he got bit by a poisonous spider, right?"

"I never completely believed that story. No offense."

"Well, some people probably won't believe you when you tell them this one."

The snake slithered enough for Travis to notice- finally- that it was draped around his neck. To his credit, he stayed still.

"It's a southern coral snake," Starr intoned calmly. "They're not aggressive, but they're diurnal. That means we've already disturbed it. We don't want to do anything to scare it into biting because it's poisonous. I'm in a better position to grab it behind the head so it won't be able to- oh God!"

"_What_?"

Starr didn't like this at all.

Polycephaly- the condition of having two or more heads- wasn't that unusual among snakes. The incomplete split of a fertilized egg occurred more often with snakes than with mammals.

(She had a quick, irrational, burst of fear that Blair would give birth to conjoined twins and not have Starr there to take care of her. She put it out of her mind and focused on the matter at hand.)

"It's a little harder to grab a snake at the right place when it has more than one head," Starr admitted. "I can do it. I just have to make sure it can't get me with one head while I'm immobilizing the other."

"Starr-" began Travis. She could tell that he was about to object to her plan of action. She struck first, grabbing the snake firmly behind its heads and tossing it across the room. It scuffled off in the darkness.

"Starr," breathed Travis. "I always told you that that geekiness would come in handy."

"You know I don't like it when you call me-"

He kissed her, and she kissed him back. It was different from the way they had kissed so many summers ago. This kiss was more knowing, more wary.

But she'd liked Travis then, and she liked him now.

"Was that okay?" Travis asked when they pulled apart.

Starr nodded, her head spinning uncomfortably. Travis-Cole-Schuyler-James-Baz-Rick. She had kissed a full half-dozen men in her life. She had kissed them out of like and love and rebellion and anger. She had been pissed off at Baz for kissing her; she had been pissed off at herself for kissing Rick; she had so deeply wanted Schuyler to kiss her back; she had planned a life with Cole and then James, only to have life ignore her plans.

"Definitely okay," she assured Travis. She looked up at the trapdoor; it was too far over her head for her to reach, and probably too far for Travis as well. "We have to get out of here, though."

"Get on my shoulders," Travis offered. "Better you than our little friend."

"I'm thinking of naming her Hannah," said Starr.

Travis opted not to ask why, and under the circumstances Starr couldn't blame him.

By perching on Travis' shoulders, Starr could get her head through the opening in the ceiling. She wasn't quite strong enough to pull herself up from that angle, though, and they suffered through several failed attempts with progressively more swearing.

The sound of footsteps convinced them to take a break from trying. The bunker might be haunted after all, or worse, someone with less-than-innocent purposes might have stumbled upon them.

"Starr? Are you in there?" Schuyler's voice called.

She laughed with delight and yelled back to him. In no time flat, Travis had hoisted Starr into Schuyler's waiting arms. She resented being passed about like a rag doll when she was supposed to be the hero who disposed of poisonous multi-headed snakes, but she was more than ready to be out of the bunker so she let it go.

Schuyler helped Travis up before regarding them both like they were naughty children. It was even sillier now than it had been when Starr was in high school. Schuyler just couldn't pull off the authority figure thing- not to Starr, at least. Still, she politely tried to hide her smile. She was glad that Schuyler had come after them and glad that he hadn't outed them to Dr. Charles.

"... I really didn't want to explain to Hope that her mommy wasn't coming home," Schuyler concluded. Coming from anyone else, it would have been a cheap shot and Starr would have been offended. Coming from Schuyler- whose mother had delivered Hope and then killed herself over Hope's supposed death- it hit Starr right in the guiltiest part of her heart.

"Who's Hope?" Travis asked, making it a thousand time worse.

"I meant to tell you," Starr said to Travis.

Schuyler's gaze darted between Starr and Travis in the dimness of their flashlights. "Sorry," he said to Starr.

"It's all right," she said honestly. "I really did mean to tell him."

"I'm going to take a wild guess and say Hope is your daughter," put in Travis, who did not like to be left out or talked over.

Starr launched into her explanation without further delay. She left nothing out- not the confusion over her father's identity, not the string of bad decisions that had ushered Hope into the world, not her connection to Schuyler, and not her guilt over leaving Hope at home with her pregnant mother while she kissed a man who didn't know that she had a daughter.

"So my family is even more screwed up than you thought it was, which I bet you didn't think was possible," Starr concluded.

The pleasantly warm night got even warmer when Travis smiled. "Everybody's family is screwed up."

"Good man," said Schuyler, and he clapped Travis on the back. Travis cut his eyes to Schuyler in a way that made it clear he hadn't yet decided what to think of Starr's former biology teacher.

"Your family isn't screwed up," Starr told Travis.

"That's because I don't have a family," said Travis bluntly. "My sister died and my dad took off and there hasn't been much left of my mom ever since. If Shrimp Girl had lived, I'm sure we'd be a hot mess just like everyone else's family."

"Only thing worse than having a screwed up family is not having one," said Schuyler. "Not having anyone to look out for you in their own screwed up way."

"Exactly," said Travis.

Starr's heart swelled up for both of them. She stuck her flashlight in her pocket and linked one arm through Schuyler's and the other arm through Travis'. "You both have someone to look out for you. Always," she promised.

For the rest of the walk back to the base, they talked about genetics with an emphasis on polycephaly. Schuyler and Travis agreed that Starr should return in daylight to capture Hannah the Coral Snake for closer observation.

In that moment, nothing in Starr's past, present, or future seemed like anything other than what it was supposed to be.

* * *

From the moment he slunk into the kitchen on Saturday morning, Jack made it clear that his definition of "family time" was a weekend-long Z-Box marathon with Sam. Sam, happy as always to have his older brother's undivided attention, was thrilled with this course of events.

"You said that I could have any kind of family time I wanted all weekend," said Jack accusingly when Blair signaled that he and Sam needed to pause their game once they hit the next level. "This is what I want. It's what Sam wants, too."

"Yeah!" agreed Sam.

"You need to spend ten minutes talking to your father. Then you can play Z-Box until your eyes fall out of your head and roll under the TV."

Jack muttered under his breath that he didn't know why he was being punished, but he obediently paused the game and stomped over to Todd, who was waiting in the doorway.

They returned to the kitchen, leaving Blair and Sam happily chattering about what a great weekend this would be.

Jack flopped onto a stool at the counter and looked expectantly at Todd.

"How are you doing?" asked Todd. It was the most awkward start of a conversation ever, and Todd had had some seriously awkward conversations in his life.

"Fine. Can I go now?"

"No," said Todd.

Jack returned to looking at his father expectantly, with an undertone of mockery.

"Are you angry with me?" Todd tried.

"Yes. Sam and I were on a roll in there and Mom made us stop so I could talk to you."

Todd grimaced. Blair was better at this than he was. When he asked Starr a question, he got an answer. When he asked Jack a question, he got a guessing game. He was going to have to go straight for the worst of it.

"Are you angry at me for raping Marty Saybrooke?"

The unmitigated surprise that flashed across Jack's face was gratifying to Todd. "That was way before I was born." Jack rolled his eyes. "Look, I always knew what you did. I'm not going to go around wailing about how I suddenly understand that rape is wrong the way Starr did."

"This isn't about Starr."

"It's always about Starr." Jack scowled. "Starr had a bad time at a high school dance where someone brought up you and Marty, and she didn't feel the same about Walker after that, so Mom is making me talk to you." He hopped off the stool. "You want to talk to Starr, there's a plane leaving for Paraguay this afternoon."

"I don't want to talk to Starr. I want to talk to you."

"Know why Neela did it?" asked Jack abruptly.

"Because she's a weak-minded, ungrateful twit who couldn't be bothered to treat you with the same respect you always gave her. But why else?"

"She thought I was having sex with another girl." Jack's voice grew low and dangerous. Todd had heard that particular tone before. Usually it was coming out of his own throat. "Know why she thought that?" He didn't wait for an answer. "Because everyone in that school knows Starr was having sex when she was my age." He pointed upstairs in the general direction of Hope's room. "Everyone. And guess what was in my wallet that I didn't put there but you did?"

The condom. Todd cringed inwardly. He had tried to do the right thing, the more or less normal thing, for his son, and it had backfired terribly. That figured.

"So," concluded Jack. "You and your Shorty have it back like you wanted it. I'm the outcast and probably she has three or four men following her around Paraguay with their tongues hanging out."

"This isn't a competition between you and Starr."

"Of course it's not a competition. She wins. The whole time she was in high school the whole family revolved around her and Cole. Neela and I lasted five months, and now no girl will ever go out with me again."

"You know a man named Kyle Lewis, don't you? He's a doctor?"

Jack nodded. "Officer Fish's partner. What's he got to do with anything?"

"He had a sister named Rebecca."

"Who said she'd kill Sam and me if I called the cops after they knocked out Mom and Walker and Tea."

"She didn't used to be that way. When I met her, she was the sweetest, most trusting, most forgiving person I had ever known. She was the only person who thought that there might be something worthwhile in me after I went to prison for raping Marty. She was the first woman I really, truly loved. I wanted to marry her."

"And then she decided that you weren't psycho enough for her, and she went back to crazy cousin Powell so they could kill people together."

"No. Well, maybe later. I don't know what happened. But what happened first was that she decided I was too much. The warnings about me were too much. The suspicion that was always on me was too much."

"Great story, Dad," said Jack with all the sarcasm he could muster.

"It is a great story, because it ends up with me falling in love with your mother."

Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so Todd sent him back to Sam and the Z-Box.


	17. Chapter 17

The night before they planned to take Hope to visit Cole in prison was a bad one. Todd didn't come to bed, of course; he had barely slept at all since Neela had accused Jack of rape. Alone in the bedroom, Blair dreamed again and again of the deaths of her sons. Most often she dreamed Brendan, who she had carried longer than Starr or Jack but who had still died. She relived Jeff's death, too, and the death of the first baby. She dreamed of Todd telling her that Jack was dead. She dreamed of watching Starr struggle through her first moments only to weaken again with aplastic anemia. She even dreamed of learning that Sam was dead, which didn't seem fair— she hadn't known and loved Sam when she had thought he had died.

When she dragged herself out of bed that morning, her wrists and ankles were swollen. Her head ached, but she was forbidden by her OBGYN to take anything strong enough to control it.

She would have canceled her plans for the day had her plans been anything else.

The almost inhuman cry of joy Hope let out when she saw Cole made the pain worth it. Todd took pictures and video with his phone while Blair sank into a chair, too tired to take an active role in the reunion.

Hope, usually so quiet, chattered to Cole about anything and everything. Cole gazed at Hope as if in awe of how wonderful she was. It was disconcertingly like the way Todd had once gazed at Starr.

The baby moved inside of her, somehow kicking vital organs that she shouldn't have been able to reach. Blair shifted in the hopes that the baby would move back. She didn't. She knew her own mind, like Starr always had.

Blair's heart beat faster.

Todd would be in and out of her life, in and out of prison, breaking this little girl's heart over and over like he had broken Starr's. Like Cole was breaking Hope's. Todd wouldn't care how she had fought when she'd thought he had died in Ireland; he wouldn't hesitate to take the baby from her.

Marty always came first. Todd wouldn't be around to raise the baby if Marty called. Starr wouldn't be around to share her life, and Hope's, with Blair if Marty's son asked her to run away.

Blair took a deep breath and tried to control her dark fantasy.

Things were different now. She was older. Todd was older. Dorian had promised that this would be a pregnancy with wisdom.

Blair tore her gaze away from Todd, Hope, and Cole. Instead she looked at John, who was standing beside two uniformed guards on the other side of the room.

If she hadn't been thinking about Marty anyway, she never would have noticed that there was something off about the guard. But she was, and she did.

Slowly, painfully, she got to her feet for a closer inspection.

"What do you need, Blair?" When John moved just a little too quickly to intercept her, Blair was sure.

"I need you to get out of my way so I can say hello to your colleagues," she told him. "Have you two been in the security business long?"

Todd, Hope, and Cole all turned to stare.

"Blair, please let it go," begged Cole. She might have been moved by his obvious desperation if she hadn't been so pissed off.

"They say it's easy to hide while you're wearing a uniform because the uniform is all anyone notices. But don't you think you're taking it a little too far, Marty? Patrick?"

Todd whispered something under his breath. Cole's head dropped in defeat. Hope looked confusedly between them. Patrick murmured something that might have been an apology and Marty murmured something that might have been an excuse. John grabbed Blair by the shoulders as if to restrain her as if she- six months pregnant and visiting a maximum security prison under her own identity- was supposed to be the dangerous one.

"Take your hands off me!" she snarled.

She looked at Todd, waiting for him to jump up and defend her.

Todd sat still, as if he were stunned beyond words and motion.

Marty did have that effect on people.

John moved his hands. "Blair, Patrick has never seen Hope and Cole together, not once. They're just going to stand here. I've asked them not to say anything. I didn't tell you and Todd because I didn't want you to be accomplices."

"Well, that's very generous of you, John."

"I wasn't trying to trick you into anything."

"You were just trying to use my request to help a traumatized three-year-old for your own benefit."

"It's not about me, Blair, it's about-"

"Marty."

It always was.

It was about Marty when Todd had abandoned her on their wedding night to risk his life in Ireland. It taken them twenty years to find their way back to where they had been before he'd left.

It was about Marty when she'd gone into premature labor and Starr had nearly died.

It was about Marty when Powell Lord had nearly stabbed her to death. It was about Marty when John had let him do it.

It was about Marty when Powell had drugged her, traumatized her young sons, and brought her to KAD house to demonstrate that she would always be third in Todd's life behind Marty and Tea. They were the ones Todd worshipped; she was the cross to bear.

It was about Marty when her children were humiliated at school and she was held up as the bad parent who couldn't understand why her daughter was lucky to be chained to a rageaholic pill-popping criminal like Cole.

_"It was all right for Cole to get high and attack Starr," _Marty might as well have said. _"After all, her father raped me."_

Marty had had too much of a say in Blair's life for too long. It wasn't going to continue.

"Hope," Blair called to her granddaughter. Obediently, Hope trotted over and held up her arms. With difficulty, Blair hoisted Hope onto her hip. Out of the corner of her eye, Blair saw Marty's face contort in envy and sadness.

Good.

Blair banged on the door to be let out, and she carried Hope straight out of the prison.

* * *

Todd could have gone the rest of his life without seeing Patrick Thornhart's ugly Irish face in his again.

"We haven't always gotten along," Patrick said. "But we know better than any two people in the world what it's like to be locked up and not even know we have a granddaughter."

Patrick held out his hand. Reflexively, Todd shook it before berating himself. Not only was he making nice with Thornhart, he'd let Thornhart know that his hands were shaking and sweaty.

"I apologize for the shock we gave Blair. It's the last thing we wanted to do, given her condition."

"I know how much you've always cared about Blair and her conditions," Todd managed around the overwhelming memory of escaping from Irene's lair as a stowaway on Patrick's plane. The look of Patrick and the smell of prison were toxic. He had to get out of there. Blair had left while he was trying to get his bearings and he had to get to her.

"I don't deny that we have a troubled past-" Patrick began, as Todd banged on the door.

Outside, the guards were slow to open it. Blair was getting away. He might not find her again.

"Please, Todd," said Marty.

"No, Todd, stop, please. Please, please, please, stop."

He wasn't ever going to be able to get away from that or make up for it. Even eight years of torture hadn't made it right.

"Please see if Blair will bring Hope back. We have a few more minutes and they might be the last minutes we ever get with her."

The guard opened the door and Todd ran after Blair.

* * *

Belatedly, it dawned on Hope that she was being taken away from Cole and she began to scream. Blair murmured soothing words about how she knew that Hope missed her Daddy but it couldn't be helped while she wrestled Hope into the car seat.

She leaned on the car, breathing heavily. She didn't know how she was going to make it home, especially with Hope's howls echoing around the car. Blair's head ached already. Her whole body ached. She was too old to be pregnant. She and Todd should have had their second daughter a decade ago- and they would have, had it not been for Marty the Martyr, whose needs always came first.

Blair steeled herself with new resolve. Not this time, Marty didn't come first. She had turned the key in the ignition when Todd leaned against her window.

Blair shouted with fear and shock. Her nerves were frayed. Her head ached. Her back ached. Her hands ached. Her legs ached. Shots of pain jolted through her stomach.

"Blair," said Todd. "Let Peanut say goodbye. It might be her only chance. Their only chance."

She might have known that Todd would side with Marty.

"Then your precious Marty shouldn't have ruined it," said Blair, and she hit the gas as hard as she could.

* * *

Todd ran after the car. He couldn't lose sight of Blair; he just couldn't. He might be an old grandfather, but his legs still had speed and strength in them.

It was his lungs that gave out. He knew that he had more stamina than this. It wasn't that he couldn't breathe, it was just that he wasn't breathing. A voice inside his head that sounded suspiciously like Peter Manning's mocked him: _Failure. Screw everything up. So dumb you can't even breathe. No wonder Irene gave you away, took you away. No wonder no one missed you. No wonder Starr ran all the way to Paraguay to get away from you. Poor Jack was better off without you. You show up and he gets accused of rape. No wonder Blair is taking Hope away from you. You'll never see any of them again, you fuckup._

It figures that you'd die in a gutter. That fits.

Todd made it to the edge of the road before he passed out.

* * *

Blair knew that she shouldn't have left Todd behind, but he had his wallet and his phone. He could call a cab. Or a limousine. Or his private plane.

Or he could just stay and commiserate with Marty.

The baby kicked at her the way Starr had so many years before.

She didn't have the energy to go through this again.

By the time they got back to La Boulaie, Hope wasn't the only one who was crying. Blair slumped against the steering wheel, too tired to attempt to get herself or Hope out of the car. She was glad that the boys were at school and wouldn't see her this way. She had to pull it together.

"Oh my God, Blair! What's wrong? Were you in an accident?"

She had forgotten about Langston and Adriana. Numbly, she watched as Adriana unsnapped Hope's seatbelt and Langston did the same for Blair.

"Was there an accident?" Langston repeated as she did her best to help Blair stand up. Blair had no choice but the lean into the girl's support.

"No accident," she managed. She couldn't frighten Langston. Langston was a child no older than Starr. "Just a hard day."

"Of course it was," said Langston sympathetically. "Hope is always bad on the days she visits Cole. But you..." Langston's eyes swept up and down Blair. "Is there a problem with the baby? Where's Todd?"

"Todd is the problem," said Blair. She stumbled to the nearest couch, clutching at her stomach. She wasn't having cramps; she wasn't in labor. She just wished that the baby would leave her alone and stop kicking at her. Everyone was kicking at her.

"Blair-"

"Leave me alone, please, Langston. Go help Adriana with Hope. If you want to be really helpful, call a locksmith and have the locks changed." She tried to arch her back against the soreness, but that only made it worse. She slumped defeatedly into the couch.

"Blair, maybe I should call a doctor-"

"Go!" ordered Blair.

Langston backed away.

* * *

Hope had mostly cried herself out by the time Adriana got her to her bedroom, so it wasn't hard for Adriana to get her undressed and into a clean nightgown. She recited the rosary as she did. It had always seemed soothing to her and perhaps it would be for Hope.

"Creo en Dios Padre, Todopoderoso, creador del cielo y de la tierra y en Jesucristo, su único Hijo."

She wiped the tears from Hope's face.

"Nuestro Señor, que fue concebido por obra y gracia del Espíritu Santo, nació de Santa María Virgen, padeció bajo el poder de Poncio Pilato, fue crucificado, muerto y sepultado."

She brushed Hope's sweaty hair back from her face and set her on the bed.

"Descendió a los infiernos, al tercer día resucitó entre los muertos, subió a los cielos y está sentado a la derecha de Dios Padre, Todopoderoso."

She pulled the sheets over Hope's shaking body and tucked an assortment of stuffed animals in beside her. The rabbit, she had been told, was Hope's favorite, so she wrapped Hope's arm around it.

"Desde allí vendrá a juzgar a vivos y a muertos. Creo en el Espíritu Santo, la Santa Iglesia Católica, la comunión de los santos, el perdón de los pecados, la resurrección de la carne y la vida perdurable. Amén."

"That bad?" whispered Langston, wide-eyed, from the doorway.

Adriana almost laughed at the fear on her sister's face. "I didn't know what else to do. You go to convent school, you start praying when people are upset. It's an instinct. You'd think it would go away after you spend a few years lying about children's paternity and trying to manipulate decorated war veterans into breaking up star-crossed lovers, but, no. It comes back. How's Blair?"

Langston clenched her jaw. "Not good."

"Is it the baby?"

"She says it's not, but she kicked me out of the room for even suggesting a doctor. Oh, and she said we should change the locks. I think because of Todd."

"Do you think we should?"

"I don't know."

"You know him better than I do. I only knew the other one. If it was him, the one who made fun of Marcie while he was taking her son away from her, I would say-"

"Change the locks," Langston completed. She would never forget the beating Walker had given Markko or the times he had all but strip-searched her lest she pass a message to Starr from Cole. "I don't know this one either. I can tell he doesn't like me."

"No one in this house likes me except the kids. And you."

"Starr swears this one is different."

"Starr swore by the other one up until he knocked her down a flight of stairs while she was pregnant."

Langston and Adriana locked eyes. "Changing the locks can be undone. Other things can't," said Langston.

"I'll call the locksmith," agreed Adriana. "You call Dorian and ask her what she thinks we should do for Blair. Whether we need to call an ambulance, or if just rest is enough?"

Langston was already dialing.

* * *

Dorian put her phone on mute while Langston rambled on about how she had never seen Blair like this.

"David!" she snapped. "It's time. Blair is starting to open her eyes about Todd. Get to Llanview now. Do whatever it takes to keep her eyes open."


	18. Chapter 18

When Todd regained consciousness, he didn't know who he was, let alone where he was. But his body, remembering something his mind did not, chose a direction and started walking.

After a long while, his lips decided to speak. "I have a daughter. Her name is Starr."

_Starr went to Paraguay to get away from you._

"I have a son. His name is Jack."

_Jack hates you. You told Blair he was dead. Your sins are falling down on his head like you always knew they would._

"They have a mother. Her name is Blair."

_Blair ran away from you. She took Hope and ran._

Todd remembered, now, how he had ended up on the side of the highway. He must have started breathing again after he passed out. He chose not to contemplate what effect the oxygen deprivation might have had on his already malfunctioning brain.

"Blair," he whispered again. His brain could collapse completely and ooze out his ear, and his body would still find its way to her. He was, after all, halfway back to La Boulaie.

His pocket buzzed, and he found that his phone had lit up with a text message suggesting that he pay his bill. He stared dumbly at it. His head ached; he knew that there was a way to use the phone to call for a ride, but it seemed too complicated. The numbers didn't make sense. He would walk.

Maybe by the time he'd gotten home (could La Boulaie really be home?), he would have figured out how to explain himself to Blair.

"I'm sorry I didn't grab you and Hope and run as soon as we realized Marty and Patrick were there," he tried. It was true, too. He had frozen, and that wasn't acceptable. Blair shouldn't have been dealing with the shock of Marty and Patrick's appearance all by herself, not when she was supposed to be having a stress-free pregnancy. She shouldn't have picked Hope up, either; there was a point where that got to be dangerous and as big as Blair suddenly was, she must have been past it. She certainly shouldn't have been driving in that state of mind, especially with Hope screaming the way she did.

His plan to give Hope one more visit with Cole to convince herself that he was safe had been a disaster, as all of his plans inevitably were.

A car slowed to a stop beside him. Its window rolled down to reveal David Vickers.

"Why so glum, my former gay life partner? Blair go back to one of her other boyfriends?"

"I'll rip your tongue out of your mouth, Vickers," said Todd, but his heart wasn't in it. His heart was with Blair and their children, or if it wasn't, it was dead.

"Want a ride?"

Todd made no move to get into the car. He would walk. He would think. He would figure out how to convince Blair that he was strong enough to protect her and their children. He would make Hope feel better. He would make Jack feel better.

"I'll give you a cookie." David rustled a bakery bag, and suddenly Todd was ravenous. Passing out and waking up in a ditch had a way of draining his energy. He could get out of the car again once the cookies were gone.

He climbed into the car, and David handed him the bag. Inside, as promised, was an assortment of cookies. Todd went for the chocolate chip one first.

David swerved to avoid a dead deer lying in the middle of the road. Todd stared at it for as long as he could. He felt like they had a lot in common.

"Speaking of roadkill, where's Blair?" asked David conversationally.

"Home, I guess," said Todd around a mouthful of ginger cookie. Not as good as chocolate chip, but just about worth being in an enclosed space with David Vickers.

"Shall we go see her? Or have some fun, just us guys, first?"

Even in Todd's befuddled state, that was too much. "What do you want, Vickers?"

David clucked his tongue chidingly. "It's not my fault you and Blair had a fight."

"It's also not your business."

"Don't worry. She's very forgiving. She forgave the other Todd even after he raped her."

The cinnamon on the third cookie burned a path down Todd's too-tight throat. "She told me about that. It was- he didn't really- there was a brain tumor or something."

David shrugged casually. "That's what she made herself believe because she wanted to forgive him. It was just easier on everyone. No one believed her, Starr went on a hunger strike, even Marty Saybrooke turned up to testify that Todd Manning couldn't possibly rape anyone ever again. But I was the one who threw him out. He was totally out of control. I saw her right after. Bruises all up and down her arms. Her hands- you could tell she fought back. There's no way he could have not known she didn't want it that way. You can tell. Believe you me, I've done some kinky stuff. Dorian likes this thing where-"

Todd clapped his hands over his ears. "Shut up, Vickers!"

"If I were you," David continued nonchalantly, "I'd be insulted. Blair believes that you'd rape her. At least that lack of self esteem thing works out in your favor, whatever you did this time. You could beat the hell out of her while she begs you not to, just like old Walker Todd Manning Victor Lord Laurence did."

David slowed down to round the curve leading to La Boulaie. Todd jumped out of the car and ran toward the house. He had to get away from the noise in his head. Blair would make it go away.

He could feel Baker running after him and bullets flying around him. If he could just get to the door, he could hide.

The door was locked.

He tried his key.

The key didn't work.

He wasn't at La Boulaie. Irene had built a replica, something to trick him, something to lure him into revealing where it was when he didn't know what it was. He didn't have much time. They would strap him back to the chair, and he would forget about his family. He wouldn't teach Starr to drive. He wouldn't teach Jack to throw a spiral.

He hefted a rock from the edge of the garden and hurled it at the window.

* * *

Dorian assured Langston that Blair was probably fine, but she asked to speak to Blair only as a doctor- not as a prying aunt if Blair wasn't ready to talk about her problems.

Meanwhile, Langston ran Blair a bath, which Dorian promised was all right if she kept the temperature under 100 degrees and Blair didn't stay in too long. Langston added a lavender scent that was supposed to be soothing.

Adriana had called the Buenos Dias to see if they had made chicken soup that day. It turned out that they had, and Adriana's Tia Carlotta brought it over herself when Adriana explained the situation. To Langston's relief, Carlotta sat down beside Blair- now dressed in clean clothes and sitting at the desk in her bedroom- and told her about how her nuera, Talia, was having too many sad and frustrated days during her pregnancy but chicken soup helped a little.

Commiserating with a woman who had actually been pregnant (something Langston didn't plan to be for a long, long time) seemed to calm Blair. Carlotta chatted about how hard it was to keep a family together when you felt sore and exhausted, and while Blair didn't concede that she felt that way, she appeared to appreciate the sympathy.

Still, Blair scrambled awkwardly to her feet, looking frightened, when a sickening thud shook the wall of the house.

"Relax, Blair," urged Carlotta. "If there's anything wrong, Adriana will take care of it."

Blair looked skeptical, but was too worn out to protest.

* * *

Adriana nearly jumped out of her skin at the first crash. It sounded as if someone or something had tried to run through the glass doors in the living room.

The glass in question happened to be bulletproof and unlikely to give way, but Adriana's heart still pounded as she went into the room to investigate.

There, banging on the glass with fists and feet, was Todd Manning.

She thrilled with fear as their eyes met and he let out a yell. She didn't know him well, but she knew that this was a dangerous man who was not in control of his faculties. His face was flushed and his eyes were unfocused- moreso after he banged his head against the door. She and Langston had been right to change the locks. She did not want this... creature inside the walls of their fortress.

Her first instinct was to dial 911. But if this was one of the weird things the Manning branch of the family had a way of getting over, Starr and Blair would end up hating Adriana even more than they already did. Never mind the fuss that her mother would make about dragging things through the papers when she was trying to do the work of her constituents and didn't need a public distraction.

No, she needed to have this handled off the record if possible. She wished Antonio and Talia hadn't left Llanview. A brother and a best friend on the police force would come in useful right about now.

She still had John McBain's number, but she remembered at the last second that he had been involved in Todd and Blair's trip to the prison that morning. Calling him wouldn't do.

There was Brody Lovett, but "Hi, I know you're a war hero and I tried to use you to keep my husband away from his kid, but I need a favor" wasn't the kind of thing that rolled off her tongue.

Then she thought of Oliver Fish. He was going to be a groomsman in Cristian and Layla's wedding, and she had found him impossible to dislike the few times that she'd met him (and she'd been well-prepared to dislike him for using Layla as a beard). He was a nice guy. He would help if she asked.

As she'd hoped, he came over before Todd had stopped pounding on the glass.

In a perfect world, Oliver wouldn't have brought Brody along. The real world was much too small sometimes.

"You don't want him arrested?" asked Oliver, looking askance at Todd as Todd tried, once again, to use his head as a battering ram.

"If that's the only way to make him stop, do it!" said Adriana frantically. "Even if he doesn't hurt someone else, he's going to hurt himself."

"We have to take him somewhere," agreed Brody. "I'd rather it be the hospital."

Adriana and Oliver nodded in agreement.

* * *

Baker's men had found Todd at last. Todd eyed them cautiously. There were only two, plus the girl cowering well behind them. He would leave her alive if he could. But he wasn't going back into that chair.

He dropped into a fighting stance.

"There's no need for that," said one of the men so quietly that it caught Todd's attention. "We don't want to fight you."

"I'm not going with you!" he hollered around a mouthful of blood. He didn't know why he was bleeding.

"We don't have to go anywhere. We could just talk."

"I don't know where it is! If I knew where it was, don't you think I would have told you so I could go back to my wife and my children?"

"You aren't there, Todd. You aren't in that paramilitary facility. We don't want to take you there."

Todd shuddered. A flash of memory unbalanced him so that he nearly fell to his knees. He knew this man, but not the way he knew Baker. He opened his mouth to reiterate that he wasn't going down without a fight, but no words came out.

The man took another step closer. Todd didn't like that at all. "Remember me? Brody Lovett."

_Brody Lovett: Defiler of Nieces._

"I'm with your niece Jessica. I'm Ryder's father. And Bree's, as soon as I adopt her."

Todd tried to place the name Bree. There was a foggy image of a round face and blonde hair tearing around the house with Sam.

Baker's men had tried to shoot Sam because Sam had seen Todd, and Sam was just a little boy. They were ruthless. This could be a trick. There was no way of knowing. There was no going back.

"I've been where you are, Todd. I saw things, I did things, in Iraq that were too much for me. When I came home, sometimes I didn't know whether I was there or here. I shot a man. I grabbed a nine-year-old kid and dragged him up a mountain. Maybe you can stop before things go that far."

Todd looked beyond Brody to the other cop. The girl cowering behind him was Blair's cousin, Cassie-lite. Adriana. He knew that now.

Fuck. How was he going to get out of this one without Blair finding out what a complete wreck he had become? She already thought that he had refused to stand up for her and chosen Marty over her. He could deal with her thinking he was an asshole (that was just the truth, really). He couldn't deal with her thinking he was weak and helpless.

"That's Adriana," said Brody. "She called us because she doesn't want you to hurt yourself. None of us want that. Do you know where you are?"

"La Boulaie. Llanview. Pennsylvania. United States. Earth."

"Good," said Brody with an encouraging smile. "Do you want us to be standing here like this when your boys get home from school?"

"No," said Todd resentfully. He didn't like the way this was going.

"That'll be soon. Sam is in the same class as Bree."

"So let me go."

"Go where?"

Todd couldn't think of a single place. "Anywhere."

Brody nodded like that was a reasonable idea. "As long as it's anywhere, let me give you a ride."

"To jail," said Todd. It was always jail.

"To the doctor."

"I called Dr. Lewis," the other cop broke in. "He can see you right away."

Todd didn't know how the other cop would have known that he knew Dr. Lewis. Maybe Irene had put chips in all the cops' and doctors' heads so they could cross reference things like that. But he was too tired for anything but a leap of faith.

"Whatever," he agreed.


	19. Chapter 19

Oliver and Brody escorted Todd into the exam room and then stepped back—Brody to call their whereabouts in to the station and Oliver to "consult with the perp's physician," as Brody had put it with a half-concealed smirk.

"Hey," said Kyle, looking pleased to see Oliver in the middle of the day even though they'd be going home to each other that night. It was so sweet that Oliver almost reconsidered picking a fight.

"Brody and I should be in the room when you examine him," Oliver said bluntly. "He's dangerous and he could hurt you."

Kyle laughed. "I love it when you want to violate HIPPA because you're worried about me."

Oliver scowled and ignored the patronizing flirtation. "I'm a cop. I'm used to seeing people out of control, but this… it was almost shocking. He's a lot stronger than he looks and he's not in a place where he can feel pain. I wanted to put him in restraints and Brody acted like I wanted to drown a sack of kittens—"

"You know what his background is," hissed Kyle, looking as appalled as Brody had. "Restraints are a last resort. They'll do more harm than good."

"I don't want you harmed. I don't want you to let your guard down because he loved your sister or because he looks docile now—" He broke off because Kyle was obviously trying not to laugh. "_What_?"

"I'm trying to picture you drowning a sack of kittens."

"This is serious."

"I know it is. Do you think I don't worry about you every damn time you put that uniform on?"

"I know you do, but I'm trained to handle these situations and I have someone watching my back."

"So do I," said Kyle, and he kissed Oliver on the cheek so subtly that it didn't violate their personal rule about PDA in the workplace. Then he disappeared into the exam room.

* * *

As soon as the name "Manning" crossed Brody's lips, the dispatcher put him through to Commissioner Buchanan. Brody protested that that wasn't necessary, but to no avail. Basketball had its Jordan Rules and the Llanview Police Department had its Manning Rules.

"So what has Manning done this time?" Bo rumbled into the phone.

"Adriana Cramer called because he was trying to get into the Cramer house by using his head to break down the door."

"Why didn't you bring him in?"

"She didn't want him arrested."

"Then why did she call you?"

"Technically, she called Fish," Brody hedged to buy himself a few more seconds before he reminded his boss what a liability he had the potential to be.

"Lovett!"

"He was having a flashback, a panic attack, some kind of PTSD incident, Sir. He didn't know where he was or who we were at first. We talked him into coming to the hospital."

"You played right into his hands."

"Sir?"

"Todd Manning knows your background. He knows what Iraq did to you, and he used it to gain your sympathy. He did the same thing to his own sister—pretended to have D.I.D. He was in a rage, threatened Adriana, frightened her badly enough that she called the police, and then saw a way out of it when he saw you. That's Manning's m.o."

"With all due respect, Sir, I don't believe he was pretending."

"Neither did Viki. You don't know Manning."

"You didn't know me when I dragged Shane up Llantano Mountain and shot a man you love like your own son. But you—you not only talked me down, you gave me a place in the LPD when my psychiatric records should have kept me from ever walking through the door."

Bo's voice became infinitesimally gentler. "I could see what kind of man you were, Lovett. It showed even when you were in so much pain that you weren't yourself. And I know what kind of man Todd Manning is, too. You'll learn. Bring him in next time."

A loud click sounded in Brody's ear.

"Call Jessica," he instructed the phone without putting it down.

"Brody?" Jessica answered almost before the phone had had a chance to ring. "Are you all right?" That was how she always answered the phone when he called while he was working. Today, the fact that she cared made him sad instead of happy. Watching Todd had made him feel too close to the place where no one could reach him, or at least the place where he couldn't reach Jessica.

"Fine."

"You don't sound fine."

"Had to pick up your Uncle Todd and bring him to the hospital. He was having some kind of flashback. Thought we were working for Irene and were going to lock him up."

"Poor Uncle Todd. Poor you. That must have been awful for you."

"Bo thinks I'm making things up. He thinks Manning played me because he knows that I had PTSD."

"Uncle Bo's not exactly objective about Uncle Todd."

"For a reason."

"What did _you_ think? Did you think it was real?"

"Yeah," said Brody softly. "Yeah, I did. For a few seconds there, I felt like I was seeing myself. So I guess Bo's right and I can't be objective, either."

"You know what you saw. You know what you saw today and you know what you saw when you went down to the Gulf and broke into those prisons. I trust your judgment, and you should, too."

"Thanks."

"I'm going to come down to the hospital with Mom—she's going to want to see Todd—and then maybe you and I can go for a walk in the park when you get off? I'll bring the football. I think I need another lesson."

Sometimes Brody couldn't reach Jessica, but sometimes he could and she knew exactly what to say.

* * *

Natalie gasped with surprise when John put his arms around her from behind. "Don't sneak up on me like that!" she said, even though some part of her had enjoyed the small thrill of fear.

"Sorry." He didn't sound very sorry. He knew perfectly well that she'd enjoyed it. "I need a favor."

"Anything," said Natalie automatically.

"I did something I shouldn't have done."

"I have experience with that."

"I made arrangements for Todd and Blair to bring Hope to the prison to see Cole. Cole's not supposed to have any visitors because he took part in the breakout."

"Yeah, I know."

"I also made arrangements for Patrick and Marty to be there. To see Hope and Cole together. It was the only way. They never got a chance to be a family."

"So you're still in touch with Marty," said Natalie.

"Marty and I were over—"

That ticked Natalie off. "I'm not jealous! Especially not if she has Patrick back. And I'm glad she has Patrick back. Really, I am. I just wish it bothered you a little more that she kidnapped Liam and threw me off a roof."

"I don't blame her for that. I blame me."

As if Natalie hadn't known that that would be the answer. Rather than dwell on it, she returned to the subject at hand. "So, about this favor?"

"Todd and Blair weren't supposed to find out that Patrick and Marty were there. They did. They had some kind of fight that ended with Blair locking Todd out of the house and Brody and Fish having to remove Todd. They're taking him to the hospital. When Viki finds out and goes to see him—and that's going to be any minute now—I want you to invite yourself along and do whatever you can to keep Patrick and Marty's names out of it."

"So this is a favor for Marty."

"If what I did gets out—"

"I know," said Natalie, and that meant that she agreed to do whatever she could.  
_  
"Natalie? Darling?"_ Viki called from the next room.

"You will be making this up to me, big time," Natalie whispered as she gestured that John should leave before Viki saw him. Then she prepared herself to look surprised.

* * *

Dorian arrived in Llanview a few hours after David, having thoroughly enjoyed the string of concerned text messages from Langston and Adriana. The girls were both terrified of Todd, and while Dorian didn't like to see them frightened, she did like to see them on her side. On Blair's side. They were going to protect Blair from something far worse than one of Todd's temper tantrums. They were going to protect Blair from a lifetime with Todd.

"What did you do to set off Todd?" she asked by way of greeting.

"Talked up the whole story about Blair accusing Walker of rape. It made him lose whatever grip he had left, and I didn't even have to lie much."

"Well done." Dorian linked her arm through David's. "I suppose we'd better meet Blair at the hospital."

* * *

After Carlotta left, Langston tried to continue reading Adriana's texts without drawing Blair's attention. She failed miserably. Blair had pulled herself together and watched Langston with a sharp, motherly eye.

"If there's somewhere that you have to be, Langston," she began.

"Nowhere," said Langston with her biggest, fakest smile.

"Who are you texting?"

Langston started to say Starr, because that was who she had always lied about texting since she had had a phone and someone to lie to. But of course, Starr was in Paraguay and was lucky to get a strong enough signal to send a text once a month. The hesitation was all Blair needed.

"Try the truth," Blair suggested.

"Adriana," Langston admitted.

"Isn't she downstairs?"

Langston looked Blair over carefully. She didn't seem like the slightest bit of bad news would make her miscarry. She seemed more like someone who would not be at all happy with Langston when she found out that Langston had hidden a few salient facts.

"Yeah. She's downstairs."

"And she couldn't come up here?"

"That noise we heard a while ago. That was Todd. He was trying to get in."

"Why didn't she let him in?"

"You told me to change the locks!"

Blair rolled her eyes and stood up.

"We did the wrong thing?" asked Langston. "We were just thinking about all the things Walker did—"

"Walker isn't Todd."

"But he was modeled after Todd, and you and Starr didn't see a difference—"

Blair walked down the stairs as quickly as she could. Langston trailed after her.

"Adriana!" Blair bellowed. Adriana appeared, looking haggard. Her skin had an unhealthy gray tinge to it. Langston felt even sorrier for her sister than she felt for herself. "Where's Todd?"

Adriana looked to Langston. Langston shrugged helplessly. "Oliver and Brody took him to the hospital."

"The hospital? Why does he need a hospital?" Blair was scrambling for her coat and keys, which Langston thought was a lucky break for her and Adriana. Blair couldn't look them in the face while she was telling them what a horrible thing they'd done to the love of her life.

"He was banging his head on the door trying to make it open," said Adriana. "I don't think he's really hurt, but he was so angry. Then he got confused and he thought we were working for Irene—if Brody hadn't been able to talk him down like he did—"

"Thank you, Adriana," said Blair, and she stormed out the door, leaving an almost visible trail of fury in her wake. 


	20. Chapter 20

To Blair's disappointment, no one challenged her as she blew past security into Todd's room. She was spoiling for a fight.

"I'm his wife," she snapped at Kyle, even though Kyle didn't really look like he planned to object to her presence. Todd, meanwhile, was sitting on the edge of the examination table. He was uncharacteristically still and quiet.

Kyle cleared his throat awkwardly. "I was just saying that while I don't see any physical injuries that need further treatment, I can hold you for three days on a psych consult. I'd like to do that to be safe."

"Whatever you think is best," said Todd. Blair refrained from snorting aloud. Todd couldn't possibly be serious. He didn't defer to anyone's judgment. He hadn't even told _her_ that he was having flashbacks, and _she_ was his wife— not that anyone from Marty and Patrick to Langston and Adriana seemed to think that that mattered very much.

"Someone will be in to escort you to a room soon." With that, Kyle left.

Todd remained silent and motionless.

"You aren't actually planning on staying here, are you?" asked Blair. She had seen Todd rush out of a hospital with a knife wound that was still bleeding.

Todd shrugged.

"You hate hospitals. You hate them as much as I do."

"Yeah," Todd agreed, sullen, flat, and vacant.

She tried to bend at the knees to look him in the eye, but the baby made that kind of contortion impossible. "Just come home. I promised you—back in Key West, I promised you—that whatever came out of Irene messing with you, we'd fix it together. I won't even get mad at you for lying to me." The words felt sour in her mouth. Not getting mad at Todd was a sacrifice. She hated that he didn't trust her. She hated that he lied to her. It was the root of all of their problems and it made her feel like shit. But she couldn't very well say that to Todd while he was sitting in a hospital room after a post-traumatic episode.

"I'm never going to be any good for you and the kids, Blair," said Todd, unaware of Blair's internal monologue.

Blair groaned theatrically. "Self-pity has never been attractive on you. On the other hand, those hospital gowns with the open backs… I'm a little disappointed in Kyle for not putting you in one of those."

She knew that he had heard her only by the way his head moved, just slightly. He didn't laugh. He didn't leer. He didn't brush her off. He didn't look at her. He didn't touch her.

That was nothing new. He had stayed far away from their bed since the March Mixer, leaving her to face the backaches and the midnight kicks and the dreams of Brendan alone. Then he'd had the nerve to want to offer up Hope to Marty like he'd once offered up his chance to be there for Starr's birth.

"Do you even want to be with the kids and me?" she asked. "Because if not, now's the time to tell us before this one—" and she patted her uncomfortably swollen middle— "gets attached."

"Of course." No eye contact. No energy. No thoughts about anything but himself. "You were the one who got mad and left me there and then changed the locks, Blair. You were right to do it."

"I didn't change the locks!" Blair snapped. "It was a misunderstanding. Langston over-reacted and Adriana, well, you have to question the judgment of a girl who spent years pining after Rex Balsom."

Behind Blair, the door flew open. "Adriana's judgment is usually much better than that," said Dorian, as if she had been a part of the conversation all along. "I grant you that the Rex Balsom thing was unfortunate, but most women know what it's like to fall for the wrong man." She squeezed Blair's shoulders meaningfully.

It was a law of nature that where there was Dorian, there was Viki. "Rex Balsom is a perfectly nice young man," Viki told Dorian with measured outrage. "Gigi was a beautiful girl and the love of his life, and it is hardly their fault if Adriana couldn't bring herself to accept that."

Natalie had trailed into the room after her mother. She nodded solemnly.

A chill ran down Blair's spine. It was the same chill she always felt when Gigi Morasco's name arose. Jack was the one whose actions had killed her, and Blair was the one who had raised a boy who would do such a thing. Neither one of them would ever live it down.

Dorian had powered herself up for a defense of Adriana, but Viki had declared herself the victor of that particular exchange and moved over to Todd. She caressed his back and turned her head to look him in the face the way Blair had wanted to. "Todd, you'll come home with me just as soon as you're ready. You'll always have a place with me. I promise you that we won't change the locks."

"I didn't change the locks!" Blair objected.

"You should have," said Dorian. "This one time, Viki and I agree. Let her take her degenerate brother home and protect yourself and your children."

"I can't do that, Viki," said Todd softly. "I can't put Bree and Ryder in danger any more than I could Sam and Hope."

"You're not a danger to anyone!" said Viki. "Brody told Jessica and me what happened. You had a PTSD incident. He's had them himself, you know, and he'll be fine with you being around his children. It's amazing that something like this hasn't happened sooner considering everything that you went through. We haven't given you enough credit for the strength and dignity you've shown through all of this."  
_  
"Strength and dignity?"_ mouthed Dorian, temporarily rendered speechless.

"And it certainly doesn't help that you have someone in a position of power trying to undercut you at every turn," Viki told Todd. "Because apparently her Cramer girls will never be old enough to make their own decisions and you will never be good enough for one of them."

"Can you believe it?" said Dorian to Blair. "Queen Victoria is pretending that we are the ones who look down our noses at anyone who doesn't pass the test. Spoiler alert: if your name is Cramer, you'll never be worthy."

"Viki is just trying to take care of her brother," said Blair automatically. Todd's hospital room wasn't the place for the latest iteration of Viki and Dorian's decades-old battle of wills.

"Viki has never wanted you and Todd together. It's one of the few times our interests coincide. You know Viki always preferred Tea to you. She's probably hoping that they'll take Walker off the respirator down in Tahiti so she can start playing matchmaker for Tea and Todd again. She's always thought that a girl from the foster care system who pulled herself up by her bootstraps was a tad too lower-class for her darling baby brother."

Blair couldn't say anything to that. She knew that it was true.

"I have no problem with Blair and I certainly have no problem with Blair's background!" objected Viki. "I have a problem with the red-headed baggage she brings to the equation."

Some light had come back into Todd's face. Even better, he reached across Viki and Dorian to caress Blair's hair. Despite the surroundings, Blair was tempted to melt into his embrace. She wouldn't be angry at Todd any more if he would just let her hold him and tell her what was going on.

"Blair doesn't really like the red-headed baggage I bring to the equation, either. And I don't blame her," said Todd. Viki looked disgusted; in the back of the room, Natalie's face contorted into a sneer.

"He didn't mean you, Natalie," said Blair. "He meant Tina."

"I'd be all right with you not liking either of them," said Todd.

"I don't think this conversation is very helpful," said Natalie. "Maybe we should give Mom and Todd some time to talk. And Dorian and Blair can catch up in the lounge."

"Thank you, darling," said Viki pointedly.

* * *

To Todd's disappointment, Dorian and Blair allowed Natalie to escort them out of the room just when things were getting interesting.

"I'm sorry about that," Viki said. She pulled two chairs close together and gestured that Todd should sit beside her.

"Me too. I went eight years without seeing you and Dorian go at it, and Natalie makes it stop?" He made a face. "Sorry, Viki. I know you love her, but she's my absolute least favorite niece."

"We are not going to talk about Natalie or Dorian."

Todd wasn't ready to let it go. "I missed you. The way you get all exasperated with Dorian and never let her push you around."

"I won't let her push you around, either. I meant what I said. Come home with me if you aren't ready to go home with Blair."

"Blair is my wife," said Todd quietly. The words gave him strength. The evened out the noise in his head almost the same way Blair herself did.

"Of course she is. I'm not suggesting that you give up on your marriage. But I know better than most people that dealing with Dorian requires a lot of stamina that you might not have while you're recovering."

"So Blair and I will have to move somewhere else. But we're going there together, with our children and our granddaughter. I didn't keep myself alive through eight years with Irene to lose them now."

"You didn't sound so sure of that a moment ago."

Todd shrugged. "Seeing you go at Dorian inspired me." He stared at his sister for a long moment. "Thank you for standing up for me."

Viki pulled Todd into a half-hug and rested his head on her shoulder. "Always."

"Against your better judgment."

She stroked his hair. "On occasion. Not at the moment."

* * *

"Dorian, what are you doing here?" Blair asked as soon as Natalie had rushed them away from Todd's room.

"I came to support you, of course, Blair. I came as quickly as I could."

Blair leaned into Dorian's offered hug, and then disentangled herself. "That wasn't necessary."

"Blair, dear," said Dorian with the kind of conviction only Dorian possessed, "it most certainly was."

"I'm fine. The baby's fine."

"For now."

Blair scowled. The fear of losing a daughter the way she had lost three sons was never far from her mind. She didn't need Dorian to make vague threats about it.

Her eyes narrowed as she looked away from Dorian and saw Natalie pretending to interest herself in a pot of coffee at the nurse's station. There was no reason for Natalie to have come to visit Todd. If Natalie had come to support Viki, she should have stayed with Viki.

If Natalie wasn't here because of Todd and she wasn't here because of Viki…

"Excuse me, Dorian," said Blair. She strode over to Natalie.

"Is there anything I can help you with?" asked Natalie with a bit too much sweetness. Blair recognized the strategy. She had been known to make use of it herself.

"Yes," said Blair. "You can go home and tell John that I haven't told the world that he broke about fifty of the laws he swore to uphold when he snuck a wanted fugitive into the prison today."

To Natalie's credit, she didn't even try to deny it. Todd was wrong; Natalie was far less annoying than Tina. "Are you planning to tell the world?" she asked.

"I haven't decided. Tell John not to get too nervous while he's waiting to hear whether I've been moved by the excessive groveling I'm sure he sent you here to offer me."

"He didn't mean for anything bad to happen," said Natalie.

"That's always a valid defense, isn't it?" Blair smiled even more brightly than Natalie had smiled a moment before. "No worries for John, then. You can rush home and tell him that."

"I'd rather stay," said Natalie coolly.

"Then Dorian and I will leave." She brushed past Natalie and returned to Todd's room. Viki had Todd's head on her shoulder and was stroking his hair. Blair didn't know whether to be touched or nauseated.

Todd jumped to his feet when he saw her. "If you don't want me here, I'm leaving now," she told him.

"I always want you with me. I just want you home taking care of yourself and the baby more." He caressed her stomach. For the first time all day, the baby became still.

"You can come home with us."

He glanced at Viki before answering. "Why don't you and Dorian have your Cramer women reunion without me this time?"

"I will put Dorian on the train back to Washington."

Todd smiled. "No, you won't, but that's okay. See you tomorrow?"

"You're really going to stay here all night?"

"I'll be thinking of you." He sealed the promise with a kiss.

* * *

"You're sure you want to stay here?" Viki tried when Blair was gone.

"Just until I'm ready to make a grand gesture." Todd nodded at the orderly who came to escort him to his new room. "Blair likes grand gestures."


	21. Chapter 21

Before Jack even pulled his key out of his pocket, he could see that the lock had been changed. To make sure that he hadn't lost his mind completely, he tried his key and found that it was useless.

Walker had always threatened to do something like this.

If his real parents had decided to follow suit, well, he didn't have to put up with it. He wasn't going to beg to be allowed in where he wasn't wanted. He was tired of that. The last time he had gone too far down that path, a woman had died.

He turned on his heel and headed back to his car.

"Jack!" He turned again to see Adriana chasing him and waving a key. "Sorry, I should have texted you. Here's your new key."

So the new locks weren't about him. He was strangely relieved. "Do I want to know what happened?" he asked as he slipped the new key onto his key ring.

Adriana squirmed. "It was a misunderstanding."

"What kind of misunderstanding?" He rummaged in the freezer. There was much too much healthy food in there, but he was able to scrape together a pre-dinner snack.

It didn't matter. He lost his appetite when he heard the story.

"… As far as I know, they're still at the hospital," Adriana concluded. "But you don't need to go meet them. They're heading back soon."

"Aunt Dorian, too?" he asked, as if he didn't already know.

Adriana held up her phone. "I have been ordered to appear for a very special family dinner at 6:30."

Jack made a face. "Probably something French. _Escargot de Bourgogne _and _oeufs en meurette_."

"You might like French food if you tried it."

"I do like some of it. I just don't like having it all the time. Hearing she's coming makes me afraid I'll never see pizza again. Or, worse, that time she wouldn't let us have turkey on Thanksgiving."

Adriana stole one of the untouched sliders from Jack's plate and took a bite. "Point taken."

"I might not be invited to the very special family dinner, anyway," said Jack, taking one of the mostly-cold sliders himself.

"You live here."

"I'm not a Cramer Woman."

Adriana half-smiled. "She never got used to your generation being mostly boys."

"No one even admits that Kelly used to have a brother."

"Paul did a lot of really bad things."

"I do a lot of really bad things! I killed a woman who was, like, a saint."

Adriana choked so fantastically that Jack thought that they might end up at the hospital after all. She shook her head vigorously when he offered to perform the Heimlich maneuver, but accepted the glass of water he poured for her.

"All right?" he asked after she had wiped the tears from her face.

"Yeah." She sipped her water again. "Just… wow. Saint Gigi."

"Oh." Jack eyed Adriana warily. "Is this one of those things where because you went to convent school you don't like it when people say _saint_ and they don't mean someone from the Bible? Like you try not to say _damn_ because it's serious to you?"

"No. I mean, yes, that's true, but I've been away from the convent for a long time. That's how I always thought of Gigi, really. In the sarcastic way. Like, what's so special about this person that all of a sudden people I've known for years think I'm the other woman in my own marriage?"

"Were you and Rex still married when he got together with Gigi?"

Adriana laughed without humor. "You were so young. I guess you didn't register what was going on. And your branch of the family boycotted my wedding anyway."

"So what was going on?"

"Rex and I were engaged when Gigi showed up with Shane. So she's the ex-girlfriend. Fine. I asked her flat out if Shane was Rex's. She said no. I asked her flat out if she had feelings for Rex. She said I didn't have anything to worry about. Then she stood up in the middle of my wedding so she could tell Rex she loved him."

"What did you do?"

"What do you think I did? Punched her in the face."

Jack laughed, then clapped his hands over his mouth in horror. He had no business laughing at the idea of physical violence being done to the woman he had killed. He was going to have to do something nice to make up for it, like get his parents to make a donation to an art school.

"And of course, I brought Brody around to surprise her if she crashed the wedding. She insisted that he was Shane's father."

"That part I remember."

"Right. Meanwhile, Shane is drawing this comic book about me. I'm the supervillain, Evelyn Evil. And he's sending anonymous notes to Rex: _your wife is lying to you_. When the truth comes out about Shane's paternity, somehow I'm the bad guy. Like everyone read Shane's comic book. Michael and Marcie turned on me after I spent years, literally years, covering for them so they could keep Tommy."

"Sam," corrected Jack tersely. "His name isn't Tommy." He pulled the plate of sliders away from Adriana at this fresh reminder of why they didn't get along.

"Sorry," said Adriana.

"You should be. You know, Starr and I had a funeral for him. While Shane was drawing comic books about Evelyn Evil, I was drawing pictures for my dead brother's memorial service. But he wasn't dead, was he?"

"No." Adriana sat up straighter. "You're right, Jack. I didn't think enough about how that lie hurt you and Starr. I'm sorry about that. If I had it to do again, knowing what I know now, I would never have lied."

"That's not what you said then. I remember you telling Mom you'd do it again right before she threw you into the Christmas tree. You changed your mind because Rex dumped you?"

"No. If I only knew what I knew then, I'd do it again. Even if it hurt you. Walker wasn't a good father."

Jack stood up to leave. He had gotten to the point where he could listen to Todd and Blair and Starr's muted criticisms of Walker, but he wasn't going to take it from Adriana of all people.

Adriana grabbed his hand. "Fine, Walker loved _you_ but he wasn't in a position to be a good father to _Sam_. He tried to have Sam killed before he was born. Basically the day he got custody of Sam, he put him in a car without a car seat and was in an accident. Would you ever, ever take Hope in your car without putting her in a car seat? Or your new little sister when she gets here? No matter how mad you were?"

"No," said Jack. "But everyone makes mistakes."

"Yeah, we do. I made one when I tried to play God with Sam. When I see him with Blair and you and Starr and Hope, I know he ended up in the right place in spite of me. I didn't imagine that future—this future—when I told Rex that we should lie. And you have to admit that karma got me pretty hard when Shane showed up and somehow it was my fault that Gigi lied about his father for ten years."

Jack sank back down onto the bench and buried his head in his hands. "I wonder what karma will do to me for killing Gigi. And bullying Shane." He was going to have to do something a lot nicer than donating someone else's money to an art school.

Then Adriana said something that shocked Jack.

"Maybe karma will give you a break because you know you were wrong. And because you had to answer for a lot of things that weren't your fault. Things like Walker taking over Todd's life. Things like everything that happened when Sam was a baby. You thought Walker was dead. You thought Blair was dead. Walker ended up on death row. Spencer Truman was messing with all of you. Then Walker went to the ends of the world looking for Sam, and you thought Sam was dead. It's not a great way for a little kid to spend those years."

For a long time, Jack would have killed to have someone acknowledge that. He practically had. "Are you only saying that because you didn't like Gigi?" he asked.

"Absolutely not. No. What happened to Gigi and Shane and Rex was horrible. What you did was mean and stupid. I don't have to like Gigi or Shane to know that. But I also don't think the mean and stupid things you did when you were fifteen should keep you from ever going down a different path."

"Is that why you went away after Gigi and Shane came here? And didn't come back until they were gone? To make sure you went down the right path?"

Adriana appeared to think about that. "Not really," she said after a while. "I had a job in Paris. It was hard for me to see Rex with someone else. It made me feel like a loser. It was worse because… you know, Rex used to call me 'Duchess.' At first, everyone told me I was slumming it if I was going to be with Rex. I didn't care. And I didn't like that nickname. I didn't think I was better than anyone else. Then, all of a sudden, I wasn't good enough for Rex. No one could believe he ever would have been with me if he could have been with Gigi. I'd wanted him when he wasn't good enough, but when I was the one who wasn't good enough…"

Jack wondered if Neela felt that way. Everyone had warned her off of him. He hadn't been good enough for a beautiful, innocent, loving girl and he'd known it. But then she had fallen into a trap set by the meanest of the mean girls in Llanview High and he hadn't spoken to her since.

No, he decided. It wasn't the same at all. He didn't have a new girlfriend to fling in Neela's face; he would probably never have another girlfriend as long as he lived. He was certainly never going to go to another dance. That kind of thing was for Starr.

"…Anyway," Adriana concluded. "If my mother hadn't laid it out the way she did, how much Tia Carlotta and Cristian and Antonio have going on right now, I probably wouldn't have come back even knowing that Rex was gone."

Warning bells went off in Jack's head and he returned his complete attention to Adriana. (It was nice that she'd offered him a real apology. He didn't get many of those. And it was nice to hear that someone else had gotten the sense that the world had inexplicably worshipped Shane and his family. That made him feel less crazy. And it was nice to know that Adriana didn't think he was a lost cause. That gave him hope. But once she started rambling on about Rex, it got hard to pay attention.)

"So Aunt Dorian told you it was time to come back right after her thing in Washington in January?" _Right after Blair had had Todd crash the party and found out that she was pregnant. _"You weren't even thinking about it before then?"

"No," said Adriana. "My life was in Paris. I was used to it. Even if Rex was at the back of my mind…"

* * *

Blair didn't like finding the front door unlocked, but she didn't like the idea of knocking and asking to be let into her own home, either.

She wished Todd had come home with her. For one thing, he would have done a full security sweep on his own before she had had a chance to call Shaun.

She shivered as she sent Shaun a text. She did not want to spend the night alone in her bedroom. Granted, the way things were going, Dorian would probably climb into bed beside her and continue her tirade about Todd.

"…Blair, I know you love Todd. I don't understand it and I wish it wasn't the case, but I know it is," Dorian was saying. "But you cannot go on like this, especially in your condition. You were having a bad day, and instead of supporting his pregnant wife, Todd did one of his attention-grabbing descents into convenient temporary insanity and made it all about him. He didn't suddenly contract post-traumatic stress disorder. He was giving you a well-placed reminder that everything is on you. You raise the children; he kidnaps them or poisons them against you or gets them arrested. You make the home; he lives in it or destroys it or throws you out. He treats you any way he pleases because he knows you have this strange addiction that keeps you going back to him. But it can't go on, Blair! It's simply untenable. One person cannot do all of the work in a relationship or be responsible for everything, right down to the other person's alleged sanity. You're supposed to be a man's partner, not his servant."

"Yes, Dorian," said Blair sarcastically. She was only half-listening. She had heard variations on this theme many times before.

Blair and Dorian entered the kitchen to find Jack and Adriana seated at the table. Adriana looked like she might have been crying; Jack didn't look much better.

Dorian's diatribe ended on the spot. "You two look very serious," she told Jack and Adriana. She caressed Adriana's dark hair as Jack stood to give Blair a hug. Blair closed her eyes for a second and breathed in her son's essence. Jack was one of the very few people she actually wanted to see today.

"Where's Dad?" asked Jack.

"He decided to stay at the hospital overnight. But he's fine, Jack."

"He _decided_?" asked Jack. "Who decides they _want_ to stay at the hospital? How bad was the fight?"

It wasn't an unreasonable question, but Blair wasn't going to answer it in front of Dorian and her viper of a daughter.

(_Don't insult vipers like that! _Starr's voice chirped inside Blair's head.)

"Can you do me a favor and watch for Shaun?" Blair asked Jack. "He's going to do a security sweep and I want you to go with him. I can't get down into some of the places he's going to have to go, especially outside." She stroked her stomach to make her point.

Jack didn't look at all pleased at being dismissed rather than being given the full report, but he left obediently and didn't return until he was summoned for Dorian's family dinner, which turned out to be beef stew even though Dorian insisted on calling it by a French name.

The last thing Blair wanted to do was break bread (admittedly, the baguette was delicious) with the girls who had triggered Todd's breakdown, but she was too tired and hungry to do anything but sink into her chair and be glad that someone else was in charge for the moment.

Predictably, Dorian led the conversation in several rounds of No Cramer Woman Needs a Man When We Have Each Other. To her credit, each time the conversation dipped too far in the direction of All Men Are Scum, Dorian would reach for Sam and tell him that he was an exception. Each time, Adriana or Langston would say the same thing to Jack, which made Blair wonder anew what the hell Jack and Adriana had been talking about when she'd come home.

She hoped she would finally get her chance when Jack pulled her out onto the patio while Dorian, Langston, and Adriana were pouring after-dinner drinks.

"I know it's a little early for this," said Jack with his most pleasantly reasonable face, "but what are we talking here? Divorce? Separation? No custody battles, I hope."

"Jack." Blair sank into a pool chair and shook her head. She should have known that Jack wasn't going to give her an easy time of it today. No one else had. Her head hurt. It had hurt since she'd first dragged herself out of bed that morning to take Hope to the prison.

Jack sat beside her, still doing his attentive, all-American good boy impersonation. "No one stays in a hospital overnight because he wants to," said Jack. "Especially not him. He doesn't like being locked up."

"I agree," Blair said wearily. "It's out of character."

"And no one likes to come home and find the locks changed. When I got home from school and my key didn't work, the first thing I did was remember how Walker always said that if I kept screwing up he was going to move while I was at school and not give me the forwarding address."

"Oh, Jack." Blair did her best to hug Jack from their awkward positions. Jack had said it like it was merely incidental to the conversation they were having, but she could feel the raw pain under the words. "Walker wasn't perfect, but he would never have done that. And you are never, ever going to get rid of me."

Jack shrugged. "If you and Dad break up—"

"We're not breaking up."

"You can't lock him out of the house—"

"I don't know what your cousin Adriana told you, but I never meant for that to happen."

"That's what Adriana told me. She said it was an accident."

"Hmph." Blair considered that. "So she decided to try the truth. A new experience for her."

"But even if it was an accident, that doesn't mean it didn't hurt him, you know? What happened to Gigi Morasco was an accident and she's still dead. But I don't want to talk about her," he rushed on. "It sucked for Shane to have to look at me in school every day knowing what I did to him and his mother. I don't like seeing Beth and Becca and Neela at school even though they stay pretty far out of my way. But Dad would have to come home to the mean girls. You heard Aunt Dorian at dinner tonight."

"That does not mean that your father and I are getting a divorce."

"You've already been married to him longer than you were married to Eli," said Jack. "So it wouldn't be, like, an unprecedented failure."

Blair laughed in spite of herself. "Thank you, Jack. That's very helpful."

"If you are going to break up—"

"We're not—"

"I want you to know that I do want to keep seeing him. I'm not going to turn on you or anything, but I don't hate him like I used to."

Hearing those words from Jack was a huge victory. It was overwhelming after the day she'd had. She turned her head so that Jack wouldn't see the tears springing to her eyes.

"Can you do me a favor and make sure Hope and Sam get into bed? You can stay up all night with Dorian and Langston and Adriana if you want to—"

"Ha. Good one, Mom."

"—But the party's over for the kids. Can you handle it?"

"Yeah," said Jack. "You okay?"

"Fine," said Blair. "I'm just going to stay out here one more minute."

She closed her eyes and listened to Jack's retreating footsteps.

Then her eyes flew open as she heard bushes rustling and footsteps coming closer. Apparently Shaun's security sweep had missed something. She jumped to her feet, ready to scream.

"It's all right, Blair."

Patrick Thornhart was lucky that they hadn't taken the winter cover off the pool yet, because, given the choice, Blair certainly would have pushed him in.

She settled for narrowing her eyes. "What are you doing here? You don't think you caused enough trouble today?"

"We never meant to cause any trouble."

Blair squinted into the darkness. Sure enough, Marty was waiting in the shadows. She saw Blair notice her and came forward.

"We're going back to where we were," said Marty. "We aren't going to interfere with your happy little family any more."

"But you wanted to give me another chance to call the police and have you arrested for stabbing my cousin almost to death?"

"You don't even like Kelly," said Marty.

"That is so not the point," said Blair.

"We just wanted to wish you well," said Patrick.

"No you didn't," said Blair. "You were looking for Hope. Planning to kidnap her, maybe."

"We just wanted to see her. See where our granddaughter lives. See that she's happy. Blair, I've never even met her."

Blair rolled her eyes. "You came. You saw. You are not going to be conquering anything or anyone. I suggest that you leave."

Patrick nodded. "Come on, Margaret."

Marty started to leave, then looked back. She took one more step and looked back again. After the third false start, she spun on her heel and strode back to Blair.

"When Todd was in prison for raping me, he had a therapist named Ray Martino. When Todd was released, Ray would run group therapy for rapists at the hospital. They had a good rapport. Ray really liked Todd. He's who you need to find. Todd was tortured for eight years and had his identity challenged at every turn. He isn't going to get into a functional relationship with a mental health provider he doesn't know from before."

Blair fucking hated it when Marty did something that was useful.

She sighed heavily. "Wait," she told Marty and Patrick, pointing them in the direction of the cabana.

Then she went upstairs and collected Hope.

Hope, happy for the unexpected reprieve from bedtime, took Blair's hand and chattered merrily as they made their way downstairs. Hope had recovered from the upheaval of the visit to the prison. Blair wished that she could say the same. "Can I see Daddy again tomorrow?" asked Hope.

"Not tomorrow," said Blair. "But he loves you and he's thinking of you, just like you love him and think of him."

"The day after tomorrow?"

"Not the day after tomorrow, either. But there's two other people who want to meet you who love your daddy as much as you do."

"They live here?" asked Hope, eyeing the cabana curiously.

"No. They just came here to meet you. You know that your Grandpa Todd and I are your Mommy's mommy and daddy."

"Yes," trilled Hope.

"You used to know your Grandma Marty. I don't know how well you remember her. She's your Daddy's mommy."

They entered the cabana. Patrick and Marty knelt at Hope's eye level. Hope clung to Blair's hand.

With difficulty, Blair squatted down close to Hope. "This is your Grandpa Patrick," she said. "Your Daddy's daddy. Patrick, this is your granddaughter, Hope."

_Patrick, this is your son, Brendan._

Patrick's eyes flicked between Hope and Blair, and Blair could tell that he felt the echo of the introduction that had never taken place, too.

Marty scowled slightly, and Blair allowed herself a smirk. Marty had probably wanted to be the one to introduce Patrick and Hope. Too bad. Life was tough.

There was something final about the way Marty and Patrick told Hope goodbye.

Blair still shared her bed with Hope that night rather than bringing Hope back to her own room. 


	22. Chapter 22

Blair tracked down Ray Martino before breakfast.

Miraculously, he confirmed Marty's story and agreed to meet Todd and Blair at the hospital later that day.

Breakfast was a concoction involving eggs and spinach. To Blair's surprise, she came downstairs to find Jack eating it peacefully alongside Langston at the high counter; Dorian and Adriana were seated at the table.

Then Jack made the situation all the more bizarre by turning pleasantly to Langston. "How's Markko's movie going?" he asked.

Langston looked at Jack as if she had never seen him before. "Great. He's learning a lot and really building up connections and his résumé."

"Remind me," said Jack around a mouthful of spinach and eggs. "Did Aunt Dorian help him get this job?"

"Markko got the job on his own merits."

"Of course he did. You and he did great work on Vickerman. But it's really nice how Aunt Dorian opens doors for the people she loves."

"What do you want?" interrupted Dorian, laser-focused on Jack.

Blair was wondering the same thing, but she had wanted to see Jack continue to go about getting whatever it was. She took her share of breakfast and sat down.

"I don't want anything," said Jack. "I just wanted to thank you. It was so nice of you to make sure Adriana and Langston moved back here right after you found out that Mom was pregnant."

Blair opened her mouth to say that Adriana's and Langston's plans had nothing to do with her, but Jack sent her a silent signal to wait. He looked so much like Todd in that moment that it took her breath away.

"Langston and Adriana have minds of their own," said Dorian. "It was a happy coincidence that they were able to be here for your mother."

"It really was," agreed Jack. By now Langston and Adriana were staring at Jack as hard as Dorian was. Blair looked around for possible weapons lest she have to protect her son physically. "What if you hadn't convinced Adriana that she had to leave Paris and come help the Vegas? What if you hadn't gotten that job for Markko so Langston would feel free to leave L.A. for a while? And then Dad had had that freak out? Who would have locked the doors and called the police? Who would have called you to make sure you got down here right away to tell Mom that her marriage isn't working? Who would have kept an eye on Mom for you and reported back as soon as they knew Dad's guard was down?"

"I was under the impression that you were none too supportive of your parents' marriage."

"That's why I'm thanking you for doing so much to undermine it," said Jack guilessly. Then he hopped off his stool and backed away from the group.

"Just a minute, Jack!" Dorian was quick, but Adriana was quicker. She blocked her mother between the table and the wall.

"That's why you wanted me to come back here. All that stuff about Cristian and Layla and Antonio and Talia—that was a smoke screen. You couldn't even remember Talia's name. No, you totally remembered Talia's name and you pretended you didn't so I would get mad and get distracted. Not that you cared. You just wanted to interfere in Blair's marriage like you always did mine."

"Is this true, Langston?" Blair asked.

Langston's eyes were wide. "I didn't do it on purpose," she said by way of confirmation.

Blair's blood chilled. "If I didn't love you like a daughter, I would slap the taste out of your mouth right now."

"Go ahead! I'm tired of you and Dorian always treating me like that lost little girl who pretended her parents were still alive. I screwed up and you should be angry with me. Go ahead! Hit me!"

That, of course, made Blair want to hit Langston even less, but Dorian shoved desperately past Adriana to defend Langston.

"Blair, if you're going to hit anyone, it will not be my daughter. It will be me."

"Gladly," said Blair.

The moment stretched.

Blair slapped Dorian across the face.

She didn't wait for Dorian to retaliate. Instead, she called to Jack, who was casually watching the chaos from beside the kitchen door- the better to make a quick escape should one be needed. "Jack, do you need to go to school today? Tests? Important practice?"

Jack shook his head. "No."

"In that case, go upstairs and pack. We're moving into a hotel today. See if you can get Sam packed, too. I'll handle Hope."

"I'm on it." Jack vanished.

"Don't you think that's a little extreme, Blair?" asked Dorian.

"I can't ask Todd to come back to your house with your spies."

"We'll move out instead," piped up Adriana. Both she and Langston were frantically texting. "Tia Carlotta invited us yesterday."

"She invited me?" asked Langston.

"She didn't want me to leave you alone with Todd if he was crazy. Turns out Todd isn't the craziest one, though, right?"

"You two are not leaving your home," said Dorian.

Langston held up her phone. "Kelly says we can come to London and stay with her if we don't want to be on the same continent with Dorian."

"Blair, tell your cousins that you are not putting them out of their own home. Langston is younger than Starr. How would you feel if someone told Starr-"

"No one other than you told me to do anything," said Langston.

Adriana handed her phone to Dorian. "Cassie wants to know if you really think it's a good idea to pick a fight with Blair when she's in the third trimester of a difficult pregnancy." The phone rang and Cassie's picture flashed on the screen. "Oh look, I bet she wants to tell you herself. I get the impression that she has some personal experience with this."

Dorian ignored both Adriana and Cassie. Adriana handed the phone to Blair instead, and Blair took it, trying not to let her fingers touch Adriana's.

"_Blair_," hissed Cassie urgently. _"Get out of there right now for your sake and the baby's. Back up, don't say another word. Don't give any big dramatic speeches about how Mother is dead to you. Actions speak louder than words anyway. Let Langston and Adriana be the ones to fight with Mother. You. Leave."_

It was good advice and Blair knew it. "I won't engage," she promised Cassie. "But I need to... I have to see what happens. I need to know how far this went."

Cassie made a disapproving noise. Blair didn't blame her.

Dorian was still working on Langston. "Remember the last time you got angry with me and moved out? How long did that last before you realized that you were wrong and I only did what I did to protect my girls?"

Langston stared blankly at Dorian. "What you did last time was appoint a police commissioner who had Starr and Hope kidnapped by Russian drug dealers. And I didn't realize I was wrong, I forgave you because Blair said I should." Suddenly, Langston laughed and held up her phone again. "Kelly just told me to text her every time you say 'protect my girls' and she'll drink a shot. It's after noon there, so it's okay."

Sam chose that moment to run into the kitchen, resolutely chased by Jack. "What did Aunt Dorian do this time?" asked Sam as he bypassed the spinach and eggs in favor of a box of cereal.

"What makes you think I did something?" asked Dorian.

"It wouldn't be this loud unless it was Aunt Dorian or Jack, and I can tell Jack isn't in trouble."

A chorus of voices congratulated Sam on his wisdom.

Dorian rolled her eyes. "Actually, Sam, Jack precipitated this."

"What can I say?" said Jack. "I protect my family. I'm a Cramer man. It's what we do."

* * *

Todd didn't mind the psych ward much at all. No one tried to restrain him, and knowing he was free to leave helped keep him comparatively calm. His room was large and private- a testament to the amount of money he and Viki had given the hospital over the years, no doubt. It was a more comfortable setting than Dorian's or Viki's mansions could ever have been.

Better yet, Kyle had noticed his ruined tooth and sent for a dentist who had managed to correct his fillings right there in the hospital without any bloodshed. It was amazing how much better he felt without a hole in his mouth.

On occasion he heard a crazed scream, and that made his pulse speed up and his breath catch in his throat. But he was able to push it aside and focus on the task at hand.

Blair did a double-take when she arrived to find him buried in a stack of papers and his iPad. She had probably expected to see him on the floor in a fetal position, rocking and whimpering. He didn't blame her. It wasn't as if he himself could predict when that was going to happen; how could she?

"Hi," he greeted Blair. He stood up to kiss her, decided that she might not want any physical contact with him right now, and instead pulled out a chair so she could sit down.

"Hi," she said. Her eyes swept over the papers one more time. "Is this a bad time?" She was just as awkward as he was.

"No." He turned off the iPad and stuffed the papers into a folder. He immediately regretted it; now he had to look Blair in the face and risk seeing dislike, disgust, fear, pity, hurt, and a host of other emotions there. "So what's going on?" he asked, as if they were any other people in any other place.

"Dorian had her ass handed to her by Jack and Langston and Adriana moved out."

Whatever Todd had expected Blair to say, it hadn't been that. He was furious with himself for having given in to the noises in his head the day before. If he hadn't, he wouldn't have missed yet another milestone in Jack's life. "Please tell me there's video."

Blair shook her head. "Sorry." She launched into the story, growing more comfortable with the telling of it. When she got to the part about slapping Dorian and teared up a little, Todd took her hand instead of indulging himself in a victory dance. It was nice to touch her again.

"... I really hate to let Langston leave," she concluded. "She's right, I do see a child when I look at her. She's almost an extension of Starr. But I can't ask you to come home to her, not now."

Todd stared at the table and sighed. He didn't like to go around hurting little girls, especially not ones Blair and Starr and Hope loved. "Tell her not to go. I'll deal with it."

"No. If I invite her and not Adriana, that's a whole other melodrama. I'd just as soon get rid of that one, although Jack seems to like her all of a sudden." She looked at Todd curiously. "You always seemed more bothered by Langston than Adriana, too."

It seemed like a good enough opening if he was going to start being honest. He didn't have many choices, after all. Blair already knew his deep dark secret that he was even crazier than previous reports had indicated. Keeping track of a web of lies wasn't necessarily within his abilities at the moment. Besides, lying to Blair pretty much always led to disaster in the end.

"Adriana looks a lot like Cassie."

"Shame she doesn't act more like Cassie."

"When I first met her at Dorian's stupid dinner in Washington, she fit right away. She fit into the things I knew before I left. _Of course_ Dorian had a secret daughter by some criminal mastermind. _Of course_ that's what she looks like. _Of course_ you don't like her."

"I liked her when she was a kid."

"Langston is different. She doesn't make any sense in the life I had when Mitch took me. Hanging all over Starr like she's a part of her. Knowing things about Starr and Hope and you that I don't know. That's not supposed to happen. She's like a big neon sign reminding me what I missed and it pisses me off every time I see her. And you love her and trust her and are telling her God knows what about me."

"Absolutely nothing. We don't talk about you. If she'd known anything about you, she wouldn't have thought I was serious when I told her to change the locks and she wouldn't have called Dorian." Blair snapped her fingers. "That's why Dorian chose Langston and Adriana to be her little spies. They don't know you. They only knew Walker and they were both terrified of him." Todd shrugged. "I wish you'd told me you felt that way," Blair continued. "I wish you'd told me what was going on."

"I didn't want to stress you out. You or the baby."

"And you thought that finding out like this," Blair gestured around the psych ward, "would stress us out less?"

"I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. It wouldn't have if your favorite ex-husband John McBain-"

"I thought he was your drinking buddy."

"Well, now I know better than to try to have interpersonal relationships with anyone other than you and the kids."

Blair rolled her eyes. "Congratulations. You want a cookie?"

Unfortunate David Vickers associations aside, a cookie sounded terrific. One thing he didn't like about being institutionalized was the institutional food, and now he could chew normally again. "That's another thing. You may want to get a new dentist. I sort of beat up the one you sent me to. I paid him off, but he still probably isn't too happy about it."

Blair leaned back in her chair, not quite disbelieving. "You beat up the dentist."

"I had a... thing. I thought he was one of Irene's people and the drill was some kind of, well, some other kind of weapon, I guess."

Her face crumbled. "Oh, Todd." He couldn't look at her, but he could feel her gathering herself up. When she spoke again, her voice was steady. "How many times has this happened? That you've hurt yourself or someone else?"

"That's it."

"Really?"

"Since we've been married, there was one other thing."

"A flashback?"

"Whatever. It was the day we found out that you were pregnant. It was something about that hospital. It felt like Irene. But no one got hurt."

"Except you."

Todd didn't like that. It seemed too close to pity. He flipped open his file again. "I still own that land you bought up on Llantano Mountain. The zoning is all right. So are the permits. We can start building as soon as we design the house."

Blair didn't jump up and down with delight at his grand gesture. This was going badly.

"Let Adriana and Langston have Dorian's house. You were ready to move into a hotel this morning, right?"

"It's a nice thought, Todd. Romantic."

"So why do you hate it?"

"We don't have the kind of lives we had when we made those plans. Do you want Jack driving home from soccer practice up that mountain? Hope having a commute that's as long as her day at preschool?"

"When did you get so resigned to life having to be practical and boring?"

"When my kids became more important than what I want."

"What happened to the rule breaker who would have tried to get both?"

"We'll talk more about this later," said Blair. "There's something else you need to know about."

"Please tell me it's more about Jack sending Dorian packing."

"It's a message from your friend Marty." The mocking, jealous tone that Blair always used to discuss Marty warmed Todd's heart even if he wasn't in the mood to be accused of anything.

"Blair, I didn't know-"

"You need a therapist. I don't think they can even let you out of the hospital until you talk to one."

Todd suppressed a full-body shudder. "Adriana and Langston aren't the only ones confusing me with Walker if you think I would ever let Marty-"

"God! No! I want you to have a real therapist."

"So that rules out Rae Cummings."

"But not Ray Martino."

That was a name Todd hadn't heard for a long time. "Marty told you to call Ray Martino."

"A blind squirrel finds an acorn sometimes."

Todd was struck by a deep abiding desire not to discuss anything with anyone, ever. "People who were kidnapped and tortured for eight years over a computer chip aren't his speciality."

"Is that anyone's specialty?"

"You're right. I'll just have to skip the therapy part. Now, about where we're going to move when we get the hell out of Dorian's. If you want another penthouse-"

"I will sit here and make sure you get through it. Like I should have done when you went to the dentist."

"I think that's against therapy rules."

"He said it would be all right. A good idea even, since they were always trying to get into your head when they had you locked up."

Todd sighed. "This sucks," he told Blair.


	23. Chapter 23

Even though it turned out that they weren't moving to a hotel after all, Jack stayed home from school to revel in his triumph over Dorian. He had always known that he would get one over on Dorian, but he hadn't ever expected his motivation to be his aunt's treatment of his long-lost father.

The world could be a strange place.

He cheerfully helped Langston and Adriana carry their heavier belongings downstairs and pack them into their cars. They didn't say much to Jack, but they thanked him for his help.

Dorian and David arrived just before Langston and Adriana left for Carlotta's place. Dorian stormed past Jack and made one more attempt to convince her daughters not to leave La Boulaie. In a comedy routine that would have done Hope and Sam proud, the next ten minutes were full of shouts of _"I didn't hear anything, did you, Adriana?" _and _"No, Langston, no one here but you and me!"_

Jack parked himself in the living room, ready to notify Blair if Adriana and Langston gave in and decided to stay.

After a while, David sat in the chair beside Jack's and stared.

"What are you looking at?" asked Jack when he had had enough.

"I never thought I'd live to see the day," said David reverently. "The Cramer Coven toppled from within by that mythical creature, the Cramer Man. You know, most scientists don't believe such a thing exists."

"I'm thinking of making a movie," said Jack. "_Cramer Man: The Jack Cramer Manning Story_."

"Don't mock the hardworking artists of the world by pretending that you would produce something so obviously derivative of _Vickerman: The David Vickers Buchanan Story_."

"Who's mocking? It's my name. _Man_. _Manning_. I can't help it if my parents were feeling ironic and gave me _Cramer_ for a middle name. The boy named _Manning_ born into a matriarchy and teaching all the strong women in his life to be more accepting and open-minded."

"That's treacly Hallmark dreck," David pouted. "It'll totally sell. How much do you want for the rights?"

"Bidding starts at a million."

David opened his wallet. "I'll give you forty-six dollars."

"Sold," said Jack. The story of Starr's life might have been made into the high school's musical, but he didn't think she'd been paid for it.

There was a squealing of tires outside, and Dorian came in just as the money was changing hands.

"Don't let that boy extort one penny from you, David!" said Dorian.

"Who's extorting?" asked Jack. "This is a business deal."

"Like it was a business deal when you used to take photographs of me and offer to sell them back?"

"You shouldn't have been kissing men who weren't your husband," said Jack without a shred of guilt.

"That's not the point. We are a family, and we are supposed to protect each other, not-"

"Spy on each other and use what we find out to destroy each other?"

"I was protecting your mother."

"I was protecting my mother, my father, my brother, and my niece. Oh, my little sister, too. Don't forget that."

"She is exactly who I was thinking of. Do you really think it's appropriate for a helpless infant to be born into a home that revolves around the whims of a violent tyrant?"

Jack leaned back in his chair. "Give me one example."

"He was taken away by the police yesterday."

"An example that still would have happened if you hadn't set it up."

"He came to my swearing-in when he was expressly not invited."

"You didn't invite me, either. Are you going to try to have me arrested, too?"

"Goodbye, Jack," said Dorian, and because she didn't say anything else, Jack knew that he had made his point.

* * *

Ray Martino walked into the room wearing a gray suit over a plaid shirt with no tie. Todd was fairly sure that Ray had owned the same outfit in 1994.

To cover the sick wave of dizziness that washed over him, Todd stood up and shook Ray's hand. He started to make a glib comment about how handsome Ray was looking- how Ray hadn't aged a day, and obviously that was why he hadn't bothered to get a new wardrobe- but he didn't have the energy. Ray would have launched right into _why did Todd feel the need to use humor as a defense mechanism when they were in a safe place?_

Ray was a formidable opponent. Ray was good at his job. Marty had probably only told Blair about Ray because she liked to torture Todd, not that Todd blamed her, really.

"All right, Todd," said Ray when the pleasantries were disposed of (mostly by Blair and Ray while Todd watched silently). "Do you want to do this?"

Lately, the world had been full of sights and smells that reminded Todd of Irene's prison. Ray's voice reminded him of another prison entirely. He turned his head, surprised that his hair didn't brush his shoulders and his ear didn't throb where Luna had hit him. "You never gave me a choice before."

"We were required to spend time together back then."

"I'm required to talk to you to get out of here now, aren't I?"

Ray shrugged. "Are you? Your wife would prefer it. Your doctor would prefer it. But we both know what a prison looks like, and this isn't it."

"There seem to be some questions about whether I know what I'm looking at."

"I'll take that as a request for help."

"Whatever," said Todd.

Ray laughed. "I see that not everything has changed."

"Like your suit," said Todd. Ray looked perplexed. "Never mind."

"The vast majority of my experience comes from working in the prison system. Post-traumatic stress disorder may arise on occasion, but it is not my area of expertise. You need to promise me that if at any point you decide that you would rather work with a more specialized therapist, you will let me know."

A long moment passed before Todd's molasses-slow brain realized that he was required to respond. With an effort, he replayed the conversation in his mind so he could decide what to say. "I've never had a problem pointing out other people's failings."

"Not knowing how to handle every situation without help isn't a failing."

"If that's what lets you sleep at night."

"How do you sleep, Todd?"

"He doesn't," said Blair from her perch on the bed, out of Todd and Ray's way. Todd watched her guiltily out of the corner of his eye. She hated it when he stopped coming to bed, and he knew it. That had been an issue between them almost from the first. "Sorry, Ray," added Blair. "I know you aren't asking me."

"That's all right. We need to discuss your role in this session before we get started."

"I have a role?" asked Blair.

"That's up to Todd." Ray returned his attention to Todd. "Blair suggested that due to the nature of your captivity, you might be more comfortable if she remained in the room during your evaluation. Would this be easier for you if she wasn't here? This is your decision, not mine and not Blair's."

"She can stay," said Todd. Blair was right. He didn't like the idea of being alone with a head-shrinker, even one who knew his shit and probably had never worked for Mitch Laurence. Besides, at the moment Blair was mad at him for not being honest, and what was more honest than letting her watch as Ray laid bare his every weakness and failing?

"She _can_ stay, or you _want_ her to stay?"

Stupid shrinks with their stupid emphasis on taking ownership of decisions. "I want her to stay."

"In that case, I am going to use the first half of our session to do the evaluation. During that time, I'm going to ask Blair to remain silent." He handed a pad of paper and a pen to Blair. "Your job is to take notes on anything that you think is incorrect or that you want to follow up on. We can start the discussion before I go, and then you and Todd will continue as you both see fit. Agreed?"

"Agreed."

Todd tried to listen for the sound of pen on paper behind him as he told Ray about the trip to the prison, the appearance of Marty, the argument in the parking lot, and the arrival of David Vickers.

That was when he heard Blair start writing. She didn't stop until the whole story had been told, right up until the humiliating moment when he'd recognized Adriana and Brody.

"If I tell Dr. Lewis that he should let you walk out the door this evening, do you think you would be a danger to yourself?"

"I don't know whether I'm looking at an amoral thug from a paramilitary facility or my niece's idiot boyfriend. How am I supposed to predict the future?"

"Then let's start with something easier. Right now, right this second, does any part of you want to do physical damage to yourself? Do you want to bang your head into something?"

"Does anyone ever answer yes to that question?"

"I think you would have, once. I think that you used to know that you got so angry and felt so trapped that you would do anything to release those feelings. I think that you were able to admit that when you weren't able to admit much of anything else about yourself."

"How can you possibly remember that?" Todd demanded. "You must have seen thousands of criminals come through that place since you saw me."

"Why are you avoiding the question?"

Avoiding questions was something Todd did so instinctively that the last thing he wanted to do was explore it. "No," he said. "I do not want to hurt myself and I do not think I will hurt myself."

"Do you think you'll hurt anyone else? Are you a danger to your children or your granddaughter?"

"No. Even when I didn't know where I was, I was thinking about protecting Sam."

"When you had these episodes- flashbacks, panic attacks- did you have any idea that they were coming on before they came on? It sounded to me like you did."

"I did."

"Have you ever been able to stop one?"

Todd was forcibly reminded of tumbling to the floor alongside a bottle of bourbon. "Yes."

"How did you do that?"

Todd grinned. "Same way a frat boy always fixes problems. Booze."

"In my line of work, we call that self-medication."

"Does it really matter what you call it if it works?"

"It doesn't always work, does it? You can't get drunk if you have to get in a car with your granddaughter like you did yesterday. So I'd like to make a suggestion. I'd like to suggest that if you feel something coming on, you call me. Is that something you could do?"

"Yes," Todd said. That wasn't really a lie, because he _could_ do it. He just didn't necessarily _intend_ to.

"Good. I'll have Dr. Lewis release the hold as soon as we get Blair's thoughts on this discussion."

"No thoughts," said Blair.

"Then what were you writing?" asked Todd. He lunged for her pad.

Blair had written _Note to Self: Kill David Vickers!_ in large letters and underlined it several times. Beneath the writing was a sketch of what looked to be a crocodile.

The stress of the past two days suddenly exploded out of Todd in an uncontrollable laugh. He laughed until his stomach and his face hurt. He laughed until he was sure that Ray would reverse his decision and have Todd committed for a good long while. He laughed until his face was drenched with tears.

It was ridiculous. He was broken beyond repair and had caused no end of problems for his pregnant wife. And yet, her instinct was to kill anyone who hurt him. The crocodile reminded him that she was as good as her word. He'd laughed in Key West, too, when he'd learned what she'd done to Irene.

He got that. He would have killed anyone who hurt Blair.

"I love you," he told her when he was able to speak.

"I love you, too." For a second he was lost in her green eyes and forgot that Ray was even there, ready to have him led away in a straight jacket, tears running down his face, crazy as cousin Powell.

Ray cleared his throat. "Blair, I can't condone plans to have a man eaten by an alligator," he said seriously.

"It's a crocodile," Todd corrected Ray.

"That's even worse. They're far more unusual in this country. Endangered, I think."

"Eating David Vickers would be dangerous," Todd told Blair. "All that tanning stuff he wears. The thing could choke."

"Fine," said Blair. "I'll let him live. He'll suffer more that way."

"He's married to your Aunt Dorian. That's punishment enough for anyone."

"Especially when she's in a mood," Blair conceded.

"Perhaps we can worry more about what the two of you are going to do this evening and less about what anyone else is going to do," suggested Ray. "What's the first thing you're going to do when you get home?"

"Make damn sure Dorian and her little spies are really gone," said Blair.

"Sweep the house for bugs. Check the locks," added Todd.

"Get the kids downstairs for dinner without any electronic devices of any kind. I'm having a roast turkey sent over. Is that okay?"

It sounded delicious. Todd's appetite was suddenly back.

"When we were first married," Blair continued. "The first thing you ever asked me to make was a roast chicken. You said that that was what you wanted before you went into battle with Victoria Lord."

"Are we going to be battling Viki?" asked Todd curiously. "She doesn't hate you like Dorian said. You know that, right?"

"Yeah," said Blair so softly that Todd wasn't at all convinced. He took Blair's chin in his hand and felt her shiver. He pulled back quickly.

"Why turkey and not chicken?"

Blair's voice remained too quiet for Todd's liking. "I thought maybe the tryptophan would help you sleep. I'd like it if you'd come to bed tonight. Not sex," she rushed on hastily, looking between Todd and Ray. "We're getting close to the point where we couldn't even if we wanted to. Risk of premature labor and everything."

"Todd?" asked Ray. "Do you feel like you want to sleep in the same bed as Blair-"

"Stop!" Todd interrupted. "That's too weird. One rapist telling another rapist what to do in bed with his wife."

Ray started to say something about not telling Todd to do anything, but Todd's attention went to the almost imperceptible jerk of Blair's hand on the table. "You didn't know that, did you?" Todd pointed at Ray. "He's been convicted of rape, too. That's what they do. Send rapists to counsel rapists. In prison. Where we met. Because I led a gang rape."

"I know that, Todd," said Blair wearily. She looked almost as worn out as he felt.

"It's just too weird. Too weird to talk about that with him and you. You wanted honesty, and this is me being honest."

"Okay. I'm sorry. I know you don't like to talk about..." She trailed off.

The apology made Todd feel even more like a piece of shit. "Don't be sorry. If you need me to be- I'll be wherever you want me to be."

"Don't do me any favors." Now she was starting to get pissed.

"I was trying to do you a favor by staying away from you when I can barely stand myself and I can't stay still."

"I'd rather have you there and you know that."

"Sometimes I know that and sometimes I don't."

"Then now you know that."

"Fine."

Todd looked expectantly at Ray, who stood up and closed his file. "I'll put your release paperwork through. I'll see what they want for follow-up."

"That's it?"

"You and Blair are obviously quite capable of having a productive discussion about your needs even when you're both stressed and exhausted. The change in your interpersonal skills over the years has been amazing, Todd. If you can get from there to here, you can get from here to where you want to be."

And with that, Ray left.

* * *

That night, for the first time since the March Mixer, Todd crawled into bed beside Blair. The usual stab of fear- fear of losing control, fear of the thoughts that would come if he stopped moving- attacked him as soon as he felt the sheets against his crawling skin.

Inside, he was raw from laughing and crying and confessing. At least the turkey in his stomach, screaming at him to rest, felt good. Sometimes Blair was clever about the most mundane things.

He wanted to put his head on Blair's lap and have her stroke his hair. He wanted to pull Blair's arms around him so that she could hold him and tell him that everything was all right.

She wouldn't be able to do those things even if she wanted to; she was too full of their daughter. She had reached the point where she could only lie on her side.

Todd spooned himself against her, his front to her back, and threw his arm over her so he could feel both her and the baby.

"This all right?" he whispered against her soft hair.

"Perfect," she breathed.

It was nice to do something right.


	24. Chapter 24

For the first few months she spent in Paraguay, Starr was excused from weekly shifts in the clinic adjacent to the research facility. "Vacation is over," Dr. Charles told her when she officially caught up to the older students academically. "You're working all day on Thursday."

It wouldn't be as much fun as catching snakes, but nothing was, so Starr thanked Dr. Charles for his help and said she would be happy to do it.

"I'm glad it's you," said Schuyler when Starr reported for duty.

"Really?" asked Starr. The tiny part of her that was still seventeen years old with a crush on her teacher reared its ugly head at the unsolicited compliment.

"Yeah. This way I won't have to worry that you're off getting yourself stuck in a pit or anything."

"That was one time," said Starr.

There weren't many patients, so Starr and Schuyler spent most of their time doing inventory.

"The glamorous life of a medical professional," said Schuyler after a while. "I still can't believe they let me touch this stuff. I can't believe they let me out of prison. That stupid prison break was a stroke of luck I didn't deserve."

"How was that lucky?" asked Starr. "You had a choice. You could have tried to run or you could have stayed and hid, but you decided to help the guards. You did a brave thing to help someone else at your own expense and they rewarded you. Why don't you want to give yourself credit?"

"I'm not going to give myself credit for not behaving like a jackass."

"Well, I'm going to give you credit. You know, I wish every day that Cole would have done what you did instead of what he did. Maybe he'd be out now, too, and his daughter wouldn't wake up at night screaming for him."

Schuyler paled. "I'm sorry, Starr. I didn't think."

"That's just it. You thought, Cole didn't. It doesn't feel right being mad at him. He only shot Eli in the first place because he thought Hope and I were dead. And when he broke out, it was because he wanted to see Hope so much. He took a bullet for me. You can't be angry with someone who did that. At least, you can't until you get an email from your parents telling you how many strings they had to pull so your three-year-old could see her Daddy in prison and say goodbye and maybe move on."

"Ouch."

"That's very restrained. I know you never liked Cole. Why would you? He was the one who made sure you got fired because I had a crush on you."

"I don't dislike Cole."

Starr looked up from the pills she was counting. "Sure."

"He was a kid. He was going through a lot. You were going through a lot. I don't blame either of you for what happened. A year later, where was I? In prison for shooting the chief of police."

"Over a woman my little brother accidentally killed. My family is a curse on you. Your mother kills herself because of what Walker made her do to my baby, I get you fired, and then my brother kills the woman who helped you put your life back together."

"Are you kidding? If we're tallying up family crimes, you do know that Mitch Laurence is my biological father, right? Another reason they should have left me in prison."

"He's my brother Sam's uncle, and Sam is precious. His genes aren't that strong," said Starr confidently.

"That's the sweetest thing anyone has said to me in a long, long time."

"I'll prove it." She pulled out her phone. "Sam and Hope sent me this video. We got good enough service yesterday to download it."

Hope's face filled the screen. Starr's heart tightened even though she had watched it at least a dozen times so far that day.

_"Hi, Mommy! Everything's good." _Hope was distracted, trying to play with a toy that was just out of reach.  
_  
"Tell Mommy thank you for the video she sent," _Blair prompted from behind the camera.  
_  
"Thank you, Mommy. I like the monkey the best. Can you bring me back a monkey?"_

"_Don't ask your mother that. She might do it,"_ Blair muttered too low for Hope to hear, but loudly enough to register on the recording. _"Tell Mommy you love her."_

"I love you, Mommy."

That was when Sam crashed the video._ "I love you, too, Starr." _He put his arms around Hope to wrestle her out of the way. Hope laughed uproariously. _"I'll take care of Hope until you get back."_

"No, I take care of Sam," Hope giggled. The camera closed in on their beaming faces.

_"We'll all take care of each other. Miss you, Beautiful," _Blair added before signing off.

"You have a great family," Schuyler said as Starr forced herself not to play it again.

"I know. I can't wait to get back to them. I'm so ready to go home and meet my new baby sister. I love it here, but I love it there. I want to clone myself so I can be in a bunch of places at once. I can't even decide what to do when I get back to school." She suddenly felt shy. "I'm thinking of switching from straight bio to the pre-med track."

Schuyler lit up. "That's great! It keeps your options open and you still get to take all the classes you love."

"You think I should?"

"Why wouldn't you?"

"It would make my Dad and my Aunt Dorian happy about the same thing. That might cause a rupture in the fabric of the universe."

"Well, they already agree that they love you and that you're amazing. That hasn't broken the universe so far."

"Sometimes I can't figure out whether I'm doing something in spite of what they want or because it's not what they want. Not my Mom. She always wants me to make the choice I want for myself. Even my Dad, he isn't bad. But Walker..." She sighed. "Always raising the stakes and making me choose. Cole, too. It started to feel like I didn't know who I was or what I thought. I was always just trying to keep them from killing each other."

"You were in a hard place for a long time."

"And you got caught up in it."

Schuyler put his hand over her mouth. "Stop."

She kissed his hand, not in seduction, but in gratitude. "Just let me thank you one more time. That day I went crazy and stripped in your living room, you did the right thing. Not all men would do that." She shivered as she remembered Rick Powers. "Believe me, I know."

Schuyler tightened. "That Travis kid hasn't-"

"No, no. Travis would never. Travis has been great. When I finally told him about Hope, and about how worried I am about how she misses Cole and now me, he helped me shoot video to send back to her. That's what she and Mom were talking about. I was holding a monkey for part of it." Starr rolled her eyes. "She likes mammals better than reptiles. I don't know what I'm gonna do with her."

"As long as you don't catch her a monkey and smuggle it back into the States."

"I would never do that," said Starr innocently.

* * *

Todd's second session with Ray was only slightly less harrowing than the first. They spent most of the hour discussing why Todd's symptoms had only arisen after he had gotten the rest of his life under control- married to Blair, Walker out of town, Jack beginning to accept him, The Sun running smoothly.

Ray blathered a lot about how when his tension level had gone down for the first time in a decade, his central nervous system hadn't known how to cope.

Todd took the more practical position that Victor Lord's ghost was taunting him for pretending he could be happy.

Ray expressed that perhaps Todd should take the process more seriously and show respect for himself, his wife, and his therapist.

Todd stared hard at his watch and hustled Blair into the car the moment the session ended. Instead of turning toward La Boulaie, though, he turned toward the base of Llantano Mountain.

"You turned the wrong way," said Blair.

"Are you sure that that's how you want to phrase that, Blair?" asked Todd in his best therapist-voice. "Are decisions truly wrong, or are there opportunities for growth no matter which path we take?"

"And why are we taking this particular path?"

"To see where it leads."

"It leads nowhere. The road up the mountain goes around the other side."

"When I came back here last year, I found out that a lot of things weren't the way I remembered them." He turned sharply toward the mountain onto new, smooth blacktop. He was pleased to see that signs had already been erected:  
_  
Manning Way._

"Todd..." She looked more sad than thrilled. While he had been gone, someone had beaten all the imagination out of her.

"Give it a chance," he encouraged. "You told me you didn't want Jack driving on a dangerous road. You'd let him drive on this one, right?" Blair nodded. "And you didn't want Peanut to have a long commute, but this isn't too bad, is it?" Blair shook her head silently.

"You see," he continued, returning to his therapist voice. "I heard you, and I understood that you made valid points. You know who doesn't make valid points?"

"Who?" asked Blair dubiously.

"Dorian's friend Obama."

"I don't think President Obama sees her as a friend. More like a liability he has to put up with because she always votes with him."

"Po-tay-to, po-tah-to. A few weeks ago, he was picking on us rich people again. He said we didn't build roads. And I thought, 'I'll prove that he's wrong, just like his friend Dorian.' There have been a lot of engineering advances since they put in the old road on the other side. We can't quite get to that hill by Viki's cabin from here. But..." He eased the car to a stop. "This view is almost as nice. Come look." He jumped out of the car and ran around to the passenger side to open her door. Numbly, she stumbled out. "See?" he pointed. "High enough to look down on the little peasants who work for us. Low enough that getting in and out of the city isn't a problem. Private enough that we never have to see anyone we don't want to see. Obviously I bought all the land around here except for a little bit I had to give up for a municipal building to get permission to build the road. If you don't like it, I'll hold onto it until the real estate market comes back and build a Manning Village full of Manning McMansions. If you do like it, we can build the house we used to talk about. Just with a little twist because things change."

He opened the trunk and pulled out a roll of blueprints. "These are the proposals I had drawn up. We can change them. Or we could start from scratch if you'd rather. But you and I and our children have a life and a future, and whether it's here or somewhere else, we need to have a home that's our own."

Blair ran her hands over the blueprints and then wandered through the edge of the woods.

"Well?" asked Todd. "You're starting to scare me. Say something. Tell me how bad I screwed up and how awful I am."

That was when she threw her arms around him, laughing. "It's perfect. It's perfect. Let's get the layout finalized right now. How soon can we start building?"

* * *

Jack got home early after a canceled baseball practice. The team had no shot at making the playoffs, and it appeared that the coaches had just given up. Jack didn't really care. He was already looking forward to soccer season.

His parents weren't home when Jack arrived, although Shaun Evans was. Tagging along with Shaun as he did one of his periodic checks of La Boulaie's security was Destiny. She headed straight for Jack.

"You going to prom?"

"Never going to any school dances again, ever," said Jack. He had thought that Destiny of all people would understand that. She'd had a front row seat for the disaster that had been the March Mixer.

"That's not a good attitude to have," said Destiny with a weird combination of lecture and perkiness. "When you fall off, you have to get right back on the horse."

"I'm not a Buchanan. That's your ex-boyfriend."

"You ride horses," Destiny corrected. "I've seen you at the country club with your mom. You're really good, actually."

"Thanks."

"But that's not the point. The point is that you can't let a couple of girls like Becca and Beth think they've scared you away."

"I"m not scared!" Jack objected. He was the bully- former bully?- not the target. It might not have been the most flattering identity, but it was all his.

"I know that! That's why you're going to take me to the prom."

Jack laughed. He hadn't been expecting that. "No."

"I'm not taking no for an answer."

"Then we can sit here and stare at each other for two weeks until it's over."

"It would be more fun for you to stare at me in my hot prom dress. I'm going to look good, I promise. I'll look as good as any girl there."

Jack was temporarily rendered speechless. Dani's friend Destiny was giving him the hard sell and inviting him to oogle her. Obviously he had stumbled into bizarro-world. There had to be an explanation, so he opted to go the most straightforward route and ask. "Why do you want me to take you to the prom?"

Her face hardened more than he would have thought possible. "This is it for me. I was all about Matthew all the way through high school. Even when I was dating Darren. Even when Matthew was dating Dani. I finally got him, I had his baby, and for what? It didn't make him feel for me what I felt for him. At the end, I don't want to be standing there all alone thinking about how he should be there. The best thing I got out of high school was my friendship with Dani. I'm not kidding. And since I can't take her to the prom, I'll take you. Besides, for the rest of my life, I want to be able to show people a senior prom picture that has me next to a cute boy. You'll do."

"I'm sorry about Matthew," said Jack, and he was. "But I can't do this."

Destiny shrugged and smiled, suddenly happy-go-lucky again. "That's all right. I have two weeks to ask you every day. I'll convince you."

"You'll convince him to do what?" demanded Shaun, who had finished the security sweep.

"Take me to the prom," said Destiny cheerily.

Shaun glowered at Jack so menacingly that Jack was hard-pressed not to shrink away. "Over my cold, dead body he will," said Shaun.

Destiny rolled her eyes conspiratorially at Jack. "Don't worry. He's all bark and no bite."

"That is most definitely not true," growled Shaun. "There's a time to bite, and this is it. Little D, I have known this kid since he wasn't tall enough to see out the front window. He's bad news. He killed a woman less than a year ago, or did you forget that? I absolutely forbid-"

"What color are you wearing?" Jack asked Destiny. "You want me to match, or just not clash?"


	25. Chapter 25

Blair was surprised and delighted when Jack announced, quite out of the blue, that he wanted to go to the prom and would be escorting Destiny Evans. When she thought of her own high school experiences, she remembered the places she hadn't gone and things she hadn't done because she'd been so far outside the school's mainstream. She hadn't wanted that for her children.

Starr, despite spending four years closely surrounded by loving friends, had had to be pushed to attend her prom each and every year. (Usually some variation on _I don't want to go if I can't go with Cole_ was involved.) Each and every year, she came home alight with happiness. (Usually some variation on _Cole and I got back together _was involved.)

Blair hadn't planned to push Jack. No one would have believed it if she'd told them, but he was more sensitive and less resilient than Starr. He didn't have the protection of a Langston or a Markko or even a Cole in his life. If she had been more aware of that the year before, things might not ever have gone as far as they had gone with Shane and Gigi.

On the night of the prom, she bit her tongue to keep herself from reminding Jack to get Destiny's family to email her the pictures. That was exactly what she had said on the night of the March Mixer, which had ended disastrously for all of them.

Jack seemed just as confident as he had in March. He swept Hope into his arms and told her that, really, he would rather she be his date. He had even, without prompting, come home with two corsages—one for Hope and one for Destiny. Hope beamed and marched importantly around the house showing her flowers to all of her stuffed animals and dolls.

"If my monkey was here I would show my monkey my flowers," Hope chirped.

"Mommy is not bringing you home a monkey," said Blair, not for the first time. She said a silent prayer that she was telling the truth.

"Yes she is. I asked her for it," said Hope with the confidence of a baby who had never been denied much of anything in the way of material goods.

"You have a monkey," Blair said. She picked up a stuffed toy that had started to sink between the couch cushions. "Curious George."

"My other monkey!"

Blair's phone buzzed and she leapt for it, her mind far too full of scenarios. Jack had been in a car accident. Jack had been in a fight. Jack had been locked in a basement full of carbon monoxide. Jack had been arrested.

Instead, she found a series of photographs. Jack pinning the corsage on Destiny's dress. Jack and Destiny sticking their tongues out at the camera. Jack posed with Destiny and Shaun, who was giving Jack a serious side eye. Jack posed with Destiny and her parents, who looked overwhelmed with pride. Jack holding Destiny's hand as they approached his car. Jack opening the car door for Destiny.

He had remembered even though she hadn't asked.

That didn't make her feel any less nervous. She twisted her hands and tried not to let Hope see her panic.

She nearly jumped out of her skin when Todd put his hands on her shoulders. Tears sprang to her eyes. "Todd," she whispered. "What if he's not…"

"He's fine," said Todd. Blair sincerely doubted that Todd believed that, but it was nice to hear anyway.

Todd redirected his attention to Hope. "Peanut, I invited your cousin Langston over for pizza. That okay?"

"Yay!" said Hope.

"Good. Go tell Sam."

Hope scurried off.

"Langston?" Blair asked. "You invited _Langston_ over?"

"I didn't think you'd want to leave Sam and Hope with just anyone. Besides, I like her a lot better now that she's pissing off Dorian."

"Todd, we're not going out. We can't—"

"We can wait for disaster to strike at the prom just as well where we're going. We'll leave our phones on. If we don't get service, we'll come right back home."

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see."

It didn't take long for Blair to realize that they were going to lot where their new house was taking shape. Each time she visited, she was amazed at the speed of the progress. One day, the trees had been cleared and the logs neatly stacked into cords for use in the fireplace next winter. Another day, the basement had been dug and the foundation poured. Then, suddenly, bright yellow slabs of wood shaped the first floor, the second floor, the attic, and the roof. Today the roof was finished along with the brick chimney and the fireplace. Sinks and showers hooked up to nothing were scattered where the bathrooms and kitchens would be, and the walls were scrawled with markered instructions for the electricians.

Todd pulled a blanket and a picnic basket from the trunk of the car. They shared their first meal in their new home in front of the fireplace. When the leftover food was set aside, they lay on the blanket, kissing and laughing at some of the messages the workmen had left for each other. One note so lovingly encouraged the electrician not to fry his fat ass while completing a particularly tricky bit of wiring that Blair was tempted to request that that part of the inner wall be left exposed when the insulating, plastering, and painting were done.

"No," Todd growled with a kiss to her neck. "This is our home. It's for you and for me and for our children. No memories of anyone else. Not Dorian, not Walker, not-"

"_Tea_?" asked Blair. She remembered the first home she and Todd had bought together. Todd had eradicated any trace of her from the penthouse and made it over for Tea. Truthfully, that had been the first thing that had come into her mind when Todd had begun to push for them to build their own house. They had done this before, and they had lost it. She felt their daughter twirl contentedly inside her. _Widom_, she reminded herself. _Pregnancy with wisdom. _A life where she would focus on what was before her- Todd and their love- instead of fear of repeating the mistakes they were supposed to have learned from.

Dorian was wrong about a lot of things, but she wasn't wrong about everything.

"Definitely not Tea," said Todd.

They kissed again, longer and deeper.

"I wish this were last month," Todd said as Blair rained kisses along his jawline.

"Why?"

"We could have done more than kiss."

Blair's heart sped up at the suggestion. "You would make love to me right here?"

"There's no one else around."

Blair ran her fingers over Todd's ear and watched with satisfaction as his Adam's apple spasmed in his throat. "We could mark our territory. It would be ours forever. No matter who was in this room, our love would be built right into it." She let her hand creep lower to tease at Todd's belt.

"You know we can't."

She grinned. "We're not quite to the magic date yet."

His eyes widened. "We're not?"

She shook her head. "No. This would have to be the last time until after she's born, but..."

"Then we'll make it count." He got to his feet and helped her to hers.

Blair was confident in her own body, how it could feel, and what it could do for others. She had long since gotten over any sex-related fears and insecurities that she might have had. Whatever you could do with a man, she'd done... unless it was something she really didn't want to do, and in that case she refused to feel guilty or shamed or inferior.

There was an exception.

She had never had sex while she was this pregnant.

Todd had been long gone by the time she'd hit her third trimester with Starr. Todd certainly hadn't been interested in making love to her while she was heavy with Brendan, the evidence of what he'd considered her betrayal. Her pregnancy with Jack should have been different, but she'd lied to Todd and told him that he wasn't the father. (It had seemed like a good idea at the time.)

She wasn't even sure how this was supposed to work. She actually had to think about what the options might be... from behind, obviously, but side by side or on all fours or standing up...

But damned if she wasn't going to have one more orgasm for the road before her little girl tore her body apart. Pregnancy hormones had left her swollen and wet and perpetually in the mood.

Todd took her hand and led her through the unfinished wall to a soon-to-be bathroom where a sink stood waiting to be hooked up to yet-to-be-installed plumbing. Without speaking, he bent her over the sink, bracing her hands on the edge. She wasn't sure what she was doing, and Todd was guiding her through, step by step. It was sexy as hell.

Her pulse raced. It was a shame that the mirror that would hang over the sink had not yet arrived. She would have loved to have watched Todd claiming her from behind, both baby and father inside her body at once.

Or perhaps it was even better that he was unseen, and, so far, unheard. There was nothing but his smell and his touch. A force simultaneously known and mysterious was arranging her against the sink, kissing her neck, teasing her nipples, and hoisting her skirt to slide off her panties.

The untamed woods and the night stars were quiet around them. There was nothing in the world but the feel of Todd, sliding into her, hot and ready as she was. They were closer than close, completely together, the way she always wanted them to be.

Then the baby turned inside of her.

It was something she felt many times each day; the child was healthy and active, and this somersault was nothing out of the ordinary.

As her body screamed with frustration, Blair realized that she was not the only one who had felt the baby move.

She had never seen a man lose an erection so fast in her life.

"No!" said Todd firmly. "No."

He backed away from her, frantically tucking himself inside his pants and zipping up his fly. He tore through the house, his footsteps echoing and receding, before Blair could rearrange her skirt. (She didn't quite know what had happened to her panties.)

"Todd?" she called.

"Are you in labor?"

She hid her smile even though he couldn't see her. "No."

"Then I don't want to talk to you."

"Too bad. I want to talk to you." She followed the sound of his voice and found him sitting on the edge of what would be the kitchen, his legs dangling in the space where the deck would go.

She sat beside him; he held out his hands to steady her. "I can get down," she told him. "But I'm not sure I can get up, so you can't leave me now."

"You're sure you're not in labor?"

"I think I'd know."

Todd shrugged. "That was normal? The baby?"

"She moves like that all the time. You've felt her move before, Todd."

"Not with my dick, I haven't." Todd shuddered and gripped the edge of the floor. Even in the starlight, Blair could see that his knuckles were white. "I've finally done it. I've turned into Victor Lord."

Blair clapped her hands over mouth in time to keep herself from laughing. Todd was staring off into the darkness and, thankfully, didn't notice. The last thing she wanted to do was make Todd think that she thought his deepest, darkest fear was something to be mocked. She didn't think this was funny at all, really. Her hormones must have been out of control.

She shifted slightly on their rough perch. A jolt of need shot through her. Damn it, she was still turned on. She wondered if she could grind herself against the edge of the floor. She'd take the risk of a splinter.

"I'm pretty sure that Victor Lord didn't take his wife on romantic picnics in the woods."

"No, he was too busy raping his daughter."

"You do know that the baby doesn't know what sex is."

"I don't think Viki did, either, when he started on her."

"You weren't having sex with the baby. You were having sex with me. The baby has a whole separate room," she gestured at her swollen middle, "and you were nowhere near it."

"I could feel her. That means she could feel me."

"That doesn't mean that she understands what she felt. She doesn't even remember it now. Her brain isn't developed enough. You know that." Todd kept staring into the night. "Todd, we went at it like rabbits when I was pregnant with Starr. That does not mean we were having a three-way with Starr."

"Starr wasn't big enough to know what we were doing."

"Neither is Sage." She tried to swallow the words back, then clung to the vain hope that Todd was so consumed with his discomfort that he hadn't noticed what she'd said.

For the first time, he looked at her. "Sage?"

"It's what I've been calling her in my mind. I know we have to change it, but it's stuck, you know. Starr-Jack-Sam-Hope-Sage. Another short name. Another S-name. It just flows."

"So it's stuck _and_ it flows."

Blair gave him a friendly shove. "Leave me alone."

"You and your new-age hippy little girl names. At least it's not as bad as _Starr_. You aren't going to make her middle name _Brush_, are you?"

"I was thinking Victoria for the middle name, actually. Sage Victoria Manning."

"You must really want _Sage_ if you're giving Viki the middle name."

She shook her head. "No. Whatever first name we choose, Victoria is the middle name. You wouldn't be where you are or who you are without her. We couldn't be us without her."

"Sage Victoria Manning." Todd turned it over in his mouth. "All right. As long as you spell it right this time. S-A-G-E. No sticking extra letters in there like you did with Starr."

"No. I told you, it can't be. You'll hate it."

"I'm telling you, I don't hate it."

"You will."

"Why?"

Blair sighed. "When I first realized that I was pregnant again, I was so scared. Scared that I was too old to do this safely. I had enough miscarriages when I was the right age for this."

"I remember."

"Dorian... Dorian told me that she was about my age when she had Adriana. She said that when you're older, the nice thing is that you don't have to worry about so many things. You have wisdom on your side. It made me feel better. It's what I wanted for us. When we had Starr, we were kids ourselves. We were going to take over the whole world, the whole universe, the sun and all the stars. Those things that we wanted, that we were never going to get enough of, we have them. What I was wishing for us with our last baby was for us to be smart enough not to mess it up this time. That we could be wise enough to just enjoy it. But Dorian decided to try to ruin our family- again- so I can't very well ask you to give our daughter a name that came out of something she said."

Todd rubbed circles on Blair's stomach. "It's not Sage's fault Auntie Dorian got out her broomstick before she could be born."

Blair relaxed into Todd's touch as much as she could. "You're sure you're all right with this?"

"We just won't tell Dorian where the name came from. Our little Sage, our little secret. Nothing for her to brag about."

"Thank you for being so understanding about Dorian. You've never gone at her full-tilt for the things she's done to you, and I don't thank you for it often enough."

"It's the least I can do. You were the one who married into the Lord curse."

"There's no Lord curse."

"But I think there is, and sometimes that's all that matters." He continued to rub her stomach rhythmically. "Sorry about tonight. I just can't. Not with any part of my body. Not until after she's born."

"No problem."

"I know you really wanted to."

"Not if you don't."

"That stuff you said about marking our territory? It was so hot. I do want to. I just can't."

Interesting ideas began to dance around Blair's head. "There are other ways."

"I just don't feel right- Why are you smiling like that?"

"We don't have to touch each other. At least not after you help me up." She raised her arms over her head to invite Todd to help her to her feet.

* * *

Blair directed Todd to throw their picnic blanket over a crate that stood in the middle of what was to be their living room. When the blanket covered the crate, Todd couldn't help but note that the crate was roughly the same size and shape of the bed.

"Thank you, Todd," said Blair sweetly after Todd helped her climb atop the crate. She arranged herself on her not-bed; somehow, her skirt wound up above her hips. She had never put her panties back on.

Todd gulped. She was still swollen and damp and aching to be touched. She was his. He needed her.

He couldn't.

"I think I threw your underwear out into the hall. I'll go look for it," he told her.

"Later," said Blair sweetly. "It's so comfortable right here. Stay and enjoy it with me."

"You're six months pregnant and you're on top of a packing crate in the open air in the middle of the night. You're not comfortable," he told her. His throat was painfully dry. She _looked_ comfortable. She looked like a pin-up. She looked like everything he had ever wanted.

"You don't like the fresh air, Todd? Just you and me? Because I like the fresh air." She slid her legs apart to give him the best possible view when her hands drifted down below her waist. At first she flicked her fingers the full length from her curls of pubic hair to her butt. Gradually, she probed deeper until her fingers disappeared between full, red folds...

"Why are you torturing me?" Todd asked roughly. He couldn't take his eyes off of her. He couldn't stop the flood of memories of what it felt like to touch her _right there_.

He couldn't stop himself from getting harder and harder when not thirty minutes before he had privately sworn off sex forever.

"I'm not torturing you, Todd," Blair purred. "I'm enjoying myself. Why don't you enjoy yourself?" She removed her hand from her body long enough to illustrate her suggestion with a vaguely obscene gesture. "I like to watch you come. You can watch me if I can watch you."

He was already touching himself through his pants. He had not intended to do this.

"That's right," Blair encouraged. "Mark your territory. Show me that this is yours. Show me that I'm yours." She was rubbing herself right on that spot, just inside her opening, just to the left. He knew that that was a magic spot. He knew how to touch it. He knew that in just a moment, she would convulse...

There was a soft whimper. He wasn't sure whether it had come from Blair or from his own throat.

His heart pounded loudly as he watched, and his confined erection made the jump from uncomfortable and embarrassing to downright painful.

He tried to distract himself. He could watch Blair like a reporter gathering information. He had to make sure that she didn't touch herself in ways that he didn't touch her. What if he had been missing something all these years? What if her likes had changed? He had to study her motions carefully so that when they were able to do these things together again in a few months, he would do them properly.

Her finger was flipping rapidly, rapidly, in and out of the petal-red opening. Her eyes were no longer challenging him, they were shut, awaiting the climax that would come if she would just brush her hand lightly across her clit. For whatever reason, she'd been neglecting that. She couldn't have forgotten that it was there. There wasn't much to him beyond his hot achy groin.

She mewled in frustration.

"Blair," he said aloud. He didn't want to scare her when he approached. He brushed his thumb over her; instantly, she convulsed, calling his name to the empty skies around him.

His body jerked, urgent and demanding, in response.

The only question now was whether he was going to ruin his pants. They were fully clothed and surrounded by sawdust and scraps of brick, and he was about as turned on as he had ever been in his life.

He fumbled his fly open; his erection sprang free of its own accord. Frantically, he ran his hand up and down its length.

His eyes flicked to Blair. She had pulled herself upright and was watching him intently. "Show me," she said when she saw him looking. "Show me you want me."

"Blair."

Jets of white liquid pulsed onto what would one day be their living room floor and sank into the house's very foundation.

He leaned against a construction support to regain his balance in a dizzying spiral of relief.

She let him rest there for a few minutes before she called for him to come closer. They sat together on the crate and stared into the darkness until the night chill set in.

* * *

As soon as Jack and Destiny walked into the dance, he was glad that he'd come. Destiny had been right when she'd said that he needed to show everyone- including himself- that the March Mixer wasn't going to stop him from living his life.

As they danced, he told her as much.

"I usually am right," said Destiny solemnly. "It's just now that you're getting old enough to realize that."

"What are you talking about? I grew up in a family full of women who are usually right. It's just that when they're wrong, it's a complete disaster for everyone."

"Speaking of the women in your family, did you see the picture Dani posted on MyFace of her surfing on her new board?"

For most of the next hour, they chatted about what Dani was doing in Tahiti and what Starr was doing in Paraguay and what Destiny was going to do when she got to Harvard. None of it was about Jack, but that felt good instead of threatening. A year had made a huge difference. He was wanted. He belonged. He knew it.

They had just started to dance again after taking a break to eat and drink and feel sorry for the freshman girl who ripped her dress when Jack felt a tap on his shoulder.

He knew by Destiny's face that it could only be one person.

"May I cut in?" asked Matthew, weirdly old-fashioned and formal in the way Buchanans tended to be.

"You can cut in permanently if you promise to take her home at the end of the night," Jack told him. He knew that this was exactly how Destiny had wanted her evening to go. "That all right, Destiny?" he asked unnecessarily.

"Yeah," said Destiny, wide-eyed. "Thank you."

"Thanks, man," said Matthew.

Jack left.

If anyone snickered, he didn't care.

He arrived home to find Todd sitting in the front room with a book. He looked like he had been waiting for Jack, and that only improved Jack's good mood. Someone was worried about him. Someone cared about him.

Todd glanced at his watch. "Two and a half hours before curfew. Everything okay?"

"Yeah. Good. Better than the last one."

"The last one didn't exactly set the bar very high."

"Matthew showed up," Jack explained, even though he doubted very much that Todd actually cared about the minutiae of teenage romances. "I left so Destiny could have her happy ending."

"Good for you. Anyway, I'm glad you're home early. I wanted to ask for your help with something."

"What?"

"Your mother and I went to check on the new house while you were gone. I think we'll be able to move in by the time the baby comes. The stable looks completely done. Just missing the electricity and the horses."

"I never saw a stable on the plans!" Jack objected. He had seen the blueprints and been encouraged to make suggestions. Some of his ideas had even been adopted, especially relating to the size, shape, and placement of his room. He was going to have a small private staircase to a section of the attic that looked like a watchtower. He would be able to retreat there and see everything. He was amazed that his parents had gone for it.

"That's because it's a baby present for your mother," said Todd in a low voice.

"Oh." Jack smiled. "Of course."

"And I need help finding the right horse to start with."

"Easy," said Jack. "Get the Country Club to sell you Boreas. Not like he really likes anyone besides Mom, anyway."

"Come with me next week to make the deal?"

"Sure."

"Then you can go buy your horse and a pony for Hope and Sam at the end of the summer, when we can pry the baby away from your mother for more than five minutes. Maybe you can go down to Kentucky, just the two of you, for a few days?"

"That sounds great," said Jack, as dazzled as Destiny had been when Matthew had arrived out of nowhere.

"You sure? You look kind of stunned. If you don't want to wait-"

"No. It's fine. I just can't believe how different it is now from this time last year."

Todd didn't say anything. He didn't have to. There was no doubt that he agreed. 


	26. Chapter 26

The capuchin monkey clambered happily onto Starr's shoulder as she beamed at the camera on Travis' phone. "He wanted to say goodbye to you," Starr told Hope. "I know you want me to bring him home, but this is his home. He wouldn't be happy living with us." She opened a cage and extracted the two-headed snake she herself had caught. "This is Tweedledee and Tweedledum. They'd have a hard time living in the wild, so we took their venom out and brought them here. But now I have to say goodbye to them, too." She kissed Tweedledee and Tweedledum midway along their body to their tail, and remarked again that it would have been a mistake to call such harmless creatures "Hannah."

He smile got so wide that she thought she might split her own face open. "But I'm not sad to say goodbye, because I'm going to see you the day after tomorrow! I love you, Hope!"

She blew a kiss at the camera just as Dr. Charles walked in. "I wouldn't send that," he warned her. "There's been a problem with our transportation arrangements. We'll be staying a little longer than expected."

Starr's mind ran wild with fear. _I can't betray Hope like that. I know what it feels like when parents don't come back. Mom's almost ready to have the baby. She has a history of premature labor. I would never forgive myself if I missed this._

"How much longer?" she asked anxiously.

"It's a significant delay. A few weeks. You aren't the only student with a conflict. I know it's inconvenient, but it's also a bonus. There aren't many weeks of your life that you'll get to spend in a place as biologically diverse as this one."

There weren't very many weeks of Starr's life that she spent becoming a big sister, either.

There weren't very many weeks of Hope's life that she would be three years old, and Starr had already managed to miss almost half of them.

Her jaw hardened, and she spent the next fifteen minutes explaining to Dr. Charles exactly why this was not acceptable. He said a lot of things relating tp politics and economics and diplomacy, about which Starr did not care.

Eventually, Travis thanked Dr. Charles and politely sent him on his way.

"I know that look," said Travis when they were alone again. "You're not going to wait for them to work this out, are you?"

"My daughter isn't going to wait to grow up and my sister isn't going to wait to be born," said Starr. "So, no."

"It's a five mile hike to the nearest road and our passports are locked up in the safe in the office."

"I've walked a lot more than five miles in my life and my aunt is a United States Senator. I think they'll let me back into the country."

Behind her, Tweedledee and Tweedledum flicked their tongues in what Starr chose to interpret as encouragement.

"They're telling you that this is a bad idea," said Travis.

"They're telling me that they want to come, too," said Starr. In a burst of fury, she pulled a collapsible travel case from the shelf and assembled it. If Dr. Charles didn't understand why it was important for her to get home, she didn't understand why he got to keep the snake she had taken great pains to catch.

"You're breaking about fifty laws."

"You're going to turn me in?"

"What do you think?"

It was funny how life had a way of circling back to things that had happened before. Starr held out her hand. "Run away with me?"

* * *

"Why do we have to go to this wedding again?" Todd groused as he expertly knotted his tie. "They don't even like me."

"Cristian doesn't like you," said Blair mildly. "I don't think Layla cares."

"At least Cristian can't make puppy dog eyes at you when he has a wife at home."

Blair was of the opinion that even when they had been sleeping together, Cristian hadn't been much for making puppy dogs eyes at her. She diced not to share that observation with Todd. She settled instead for a small smile.

Too much jealousy and Todd was a danger to himself and everyone else.

But just a little bit of jealousy… well, she deserved to enjoy that, didn't she?

Todd scowled.

Blair pretended not to notice. "Sarah will be there. You always like to see her."

"The crazy Cramers will all be there. No offense to Sarah, but she doesn't balance that out."

"We don't have to speak to any of them. Except Cassie."

"We don't have to go at all. We could just go up to the new house and check on it."

Blair laughed. It sounded tempting. "You know we can't _check on it _like we_ checked on it_ last time."

"They'd never notice," Todd prompted as he kissed the back of her neck.

"I'm singing, so they'd notice." Saying it aloud helped her shake off the temptation to skip the whole thing. "Cristian is an artist. It means a lot that he'd want me to sing."

"It means he's too cheap to pay for entertainment and would rather manipulate a pregnant woman who should be his honored guest—"

"It's one song, and they're going to have a band and a deejay."

"Better not be any song you've ever sung for me."

She cringed inwardly. Todd had given her a great opening, but she still wasn't looking forward to this conversation. "It's not."

"Good."

"In the interest of full disclosure, because I know how much you hate getting blindsided about things that happened while you were gone—"

"You sang it for _him_?"

"I wish I could tell you that my voice died in my throat when I didn't have you around to inspire me, but that's not what happened. Cristian and Layla picked it because it reminded them of how they felt when they got together and I didn't want to say no."

To her surprise, Todd softened completely. His eight years of torture had taught him to control his temper and his tendency to mistrust. She loved the results.

She wished that it had happened any other way.

"But from now on," he informed her, "All of your songs are for me."

"I can promise you that," she whispered.

* * *

Jack sat obediently in the pew with a hundred other guests and let his mind wander. He wasn't thinking about much in particular. There was summer training for soccer, summer work at The Sun, exercising Boreas while Blair was in no condition to ride, and how he would arrange his room in the new house. It all vanished instantly into an inexplicable rush of anger and shame when a tiny girl, younger even than Hope, began the long journey down the aisle. She wore a dark blue dress and clutched a basket of flower petals importantly.

Jack's subconscious remembered who she was before his conscious mind put a name to her. Both of the child's doting fathers stood beside Cristian and Antonio at the altar, silently urging her to come to them. This was Sierra Rose Morasco.

Shane's cousin.

Gigi's niece.

She would never know her mother and, thanks to Jack, neither would she ever know her aunt.

Suddenly Jack was aware, with absolute certainty, that everyone in the crowded church hated him for that.

He jumped up and ran, nearly colliding with the older girl who walked ten paces behind Sierra Rose carrying a candle.

From beneath her angelic, perfectly made-up face, the girl sent him a glare that summed up all the hate all the wedding guests felt for him. Jack thought that she might take the opportunity to light him on fire.

Instead, she continued on her way and Jack continued on his—out of the church, down the cracked sidewalk, and to a park bench where he could sit and wait until the ceremony was over and his parents came out to tell him how disappointed they were that he had ruined it all.

He felt a tap on his shoulder far before Layla and Cristian could have said their vows. He looked up and saw that it was Destiny. "Can I sit down?" she asked.

"Whatever."

She sat close beside him like they were friends, which, weirdly enough, they were.

"Your parents were going to come after you but I told them to stay and that I'd handle it."

Jack rolled his eyes at this girl barely two years older than he was having discussions with his parents about who was going to take care of poor, stupid Jack. "Consider me handled," he grunted.

"I didn't mean it like that."

Jack sighed. He couldn't get properly mad at her when he was so mad at himself. "Go back inside. You're missing the wedding. Aren't you the type who loves weddings?"

"I'm not any type. I'm an individual. And yes, I love weddings, but right now I'd rather be here. You know how I got invited?"

"They invited everyone either one of them ever met?"

"My brother used to do security for the bride's ex-boyfriend. Kind of a tenuous connection."

"Like I said. They invited everyone. Even the people they knew would ruin everything. Maybe that was the point. All the other guests can stop manipulating each other and trying to sleep with each other and bond over how much they hate me. They're doing that right now."

"Nobody's doing that."

"They were all staring at me."

"You're not more interesting than a flower girl who's barely old enough to walk in a cute little designer dress. Sorry."

"Your brother wanted to kill me just so I wouldn't go the prom with you."

Destiny chuckled. "About that. I set it up."

"What do you mean?"

"I asked Shaun to play the heavy in case I couldn't convince you any other way."

Jack didn't like to admit how violently relief coursed through him. "So he's not really going to kill me?"

Destiny shook her head. "No."

"I guess the little bridesmaid I almost knocked over will get to do it, then."

"Jamie Vega?" asked Destiny.

"Duh." Jack smacked his own forehead. "That's who she was. Last time I saw her she was about," and he held his hand three feet off the ground. "She grew up."

"So have you," said Destiny. "I think you're going to be okay. I'm almost sorry I won't be here to see it."

"Harvard did a smart thing when it accepted you," said Jack.

Destiny shrugged off the compliment. "Want to go back in for the reception? The cake looks good."

* * *

Cristian escaped from his clutch of well-wishers and pulled Blair off to the side. "Congratulations!" she told him. "You and Layla looked so beautiful up there. I'm so happy for you both."

"Thank you," said Cristian, and he waved off the further gushing Blair was more than prepared to do. "You still want to sing? I heard that Jack got sick or something."

"He's fine," Todd answered for Blair. He pointed across the room to where Jack and Destiny were huddled together with Sarah (who looked more adult than Todd thought she had any business looking in her dark bridesmaid's gown). "Blair can sing."

He squeezed Blair's hip possessively and sent the message without saying it. _She might be singing __**at**__ your wedding… but she's singing __**to**__ me_.

Cristian looked less than bothered. "Then the microphone's ready."

Todd escorted her to the microphone with his hand pressed against the small of her back, right where it hurt most of the time anymore. Blair was half inclined to bring Todd up onto the stage just to keep his hand there.

She settled for locking eyes with him as the music started before she directed her attention to Cristian and Layla.  
_  
You said just one kiss, couldn't be much harm in it,  
And I thought what could really happen?_

She might have been looking at the bride and groom, beautiful and happy in expensive clothing Layla had designed herself, but what she saw was the dilapidated hotel room where she had first kissed Todd. She never would have imagined it going this far.  
_  
But it went way too far, from your lips to my heart  
Last thing I want to do is scare you_

She still didn't know what had made Jack run out of the room, but Destiny was hovering over him while little Jamie Vega—who was growing into a gorgeous teenager— smiled interestedly at him.

_Much too soon, much too fast,  
And I know this might sound crazy  
But I can't hold back  
The love I feel inside for you_

Jamie's parents were watching her carefully. Reports that Talia was not enjoying her pregnancy had not been exaggerated. She looked absolutely miserable, and the immense care that had been taken to design a bridesmaid's gown to fit and flatter a woman who might go into labor at any moment didn't hide that.

Blair made a mental note to talk to Talia later on. They didn't know each other well, but sometimes it was easier to take reassurance from another woman who was also as big as a house. They could at least commiserate on how they couldn't have a glass of wine and their backs hurt.  
_  
Please don't run from my heart  
Don't take away this dream that's just come true  
And I'm sorry but I love you_

Adriana had her hand on Talia's shoulder. Much to Dorian's chagrin, Adriana had announced her intention to return to New York with Antonio, Talia, and Jamie to help out until the birth of the baby. Dorian had wanted a full Cramer contingent for the birth of Blair's daughter, and to Blair's delight, the two women she didn't want there—Adriana and Kelly—had both declined.  
_  
If you'd asked me yesterday,  
If someone could feel this way  
I'd've looked at you and probably laughed_

She had to admit that she did want Dorian there.

But she felt a lot safer in that decision knowing that Cassie would be there to run interference.

She spotted her cousin; as their eyes met, Cassie smiled approvingly. Cassie had barely made it to town in time for the wedding, though Blair assumed that Cassie's attendance was more about checking up on her own family and less about the longstanding acquaintance between the Cramers and the Vegas.  
_  
What kind of world is this  
That changes with one kiss  
Who is this stranger standing in my shoes_

Blair wondered if Carlotta was going to make it through the day without throwing anything at Dorian when Dorian inevitably announced to the assembled guests that she'd "practically raised Cristian."

Her voice wobbled with mirth at the thought.  
_  
The silence here is deafening  
I'm waiting and I'm wondering_

As the song drew to a close, she returned her gaze to the bride and groom. She was beyond happy that Cristian was happy. He deserved it.

And perhaps she could commission some of his work for her new home. One of his more modern paintings would go well with the look she was envisioning.  
_  
Please don't run from my heart  
Don't take away this dream that's just come true  
And I'm sorry but I love you._

She was careful not to look at Todd as she sang the last line. It sounded like a warning or a criticism. Once, it would have been.

Now she could walk off the stage into his arms and marvel at how nice her life really was right at this moment. They had faced challenges together and they hadn't imploded.

_Don't make me sorry that I love you_

She was sure he wouldn't.

* * *

**Disclaimer**: Blair's song, _I'm Sorry But I Love You_, is in fact Kassie de Paiva's and was performed by her on the 2004 New Year's episode of OLTL. I don't own it, nor do I own anything OLTL.


	27. Chapter 27

Starr hadn't brought much to Paraguay, and she left with even less. If it didn't fit in her backpack, it didn't come. Even then, most of the space was given over to food, water, medical supplies, a light raincoat, and a change of underwear. She tucked Tweedledee and Tweedledum on top after collapsing their cage. She didn't think the sight of a two-headed snake would help with the hitchhiking she intended to do.

She left a note on Yuri's bunk welcoming her to take anything of Starr's that she liked. Most likely Yuri would only want Starr's books and lab notes, which Starr really did regret leaving. But with every fiber in her being screaming that she had to return to Llanview, **_now_**, her education had to take a back seat. The books could be replaced, and she would borrow someone else's notes if she needed them. Her final report on her term abroad was completed. Her grades would be fine.

The day was overcast—they were well into Paraguayan winter—but the world seemed to brighten around her when she stepped into the meeting place and saw Travis waiting for her with a mischievous grin on his face.

Travis had always loved adventures.

So had Starr.

Their first border crossing went so well that Starr's confidence soared. They simply walked, unheeded, over the bridge into Brazil.

Once there, she turned to her longtime favorite mode of transportation, the taxicab. Neither she nor Travis spoke a word of Portuguese, but when they tried to use a map to indicate that they wanted to go as far north as the driver would take them, he told them in English that for a exorbitant upfront sum (which Starr, having learned at Todd's knee about being on the run in a foreign country, happened to possess in the always-desired American dollars) he would take them to Porto Velho. It would be a day and a night's drive, but it would be a huge start on their journey.

Starr and Travis took turns sleeping and watching the driver to be certain that he did not go back on his word. They stopped only as often as the car needed gas and gave the driver a tip over and above his named price when he delivered them without incident to Porto Velho.

Travis stretched painfully and looked longingly at the Porto Velho airport. "If we don't find a way to get on a plane, we're not going to get home any faster than we would have if we'd waited for the school to straighten everything out."

He had a point, Starr had to admit. "I shouldn't have spent that money on the cab. No way can we bribe someone to let us on a plane without passports with what we have left. We might end up in jail if we tried."

"You're afraid of a South American prison?" Travis teased as he loped in a circle around her while she transferred Tweedledee and Tweedledum from her pack to their cage. She thought that they might like some fresh air.

"I try to limit myself to one arrest a year," Starr told him. "Set a good example for Hope, and all. So I've got two more months to go."

Travis nodded wisely. "Getting thrown in jail is out. Let's start walking and see what else inspires us."

Starr knew that the inspiration would have to come from Travis. He was an urban creature, operating from a deeply held conviction that because he was from New York, the secrets of any other city would automatically reveal themselves to him.

Starr was like her father. Deep down, she would rather have been a beach bum. Crowds of people, some of whom inevitably wanted to kidnap her for ransom, were something she could do without.

By some sort of instinct—he didn't even bother to ask his phone—Travis led them to what passed for the tourist section of an industry-heavy, geographically broad city. He expressed interest in everything that someone tried to sell him. He purchased two unripe coconuts, which the vendor split open with a machete so they could drink the milk inside. Next he purchased a small toy monkey for Hope, causing Starr's soul to warm with happiness. All the while, he held long, loud conversations about whether this tour or that might give him the best view of the area.

It wasn't long before he was approached with an invitation to take a helicopter tour.

If he wanted the tour to end without a return trip, well, that was his business. He would be required to pay a bit extra for deviation from the route, of course.

That got them to Colombia, where, coincidentally enough, their tour guide had a "friend" with a private plane that was headed for Mexico.

Starr decided not to think about whether the plane was full of drugs that were bound to destroy a life like Cole's or Schuyler's. She made polite conversation with the plane's owner, who wanted Tweedlee and Tweedledum as payment for their trip rather than money. She refused.

They landed outside Rosarito, a heartbeat away from California. The view of the ocean was breathtaking.

"I told you," Starr told Travis. He was the one who had gotten them so far so smoothly, and she was consumed with a need to make sure he got something out of this, too. "I told you I would take you to see the Pacific Ocean."

Travis stared into the deep blue waves. "Maybe that's why I never came to see it," he said. "I was supposed to see it with you."

* * *

Todd's fourth session with Ray was his first without Blair. He'd left her home under Cassie's watchful eye. Dr. Wright had warned them that the baby would come fast when she came and reiterated that while, early, Sage would not technically be considered premature.

"I'm glad you felt comfortable going forward without Blair," Ray said. Probably Ray didn't mean for it to sound condescending, but it did.

Todd smirked. "Actually, I just didn't want her here when I pointed out that there's no point to going on with the therapy thing. She might have the baby right on the spot and you'd have to get a new couch."

"All right," said Ray. "If there's no point, why would ending your therapy upset Blair so much that she'd go into premature labor?"

"Blair worries about things. She thinks that things that happened in the past can happen again."

"That's not uncommon. That's not unwise, either."

Todd smiled. _Wisdom_. _Sage_. Blair had certainly known what she was going for when she'd chosen a name for their last daughter. "Blair wants to be wise," he agreed, relishing the memory of a private moment he would never share with Ray or anyone else.

"And you don't?"

"I think it's an unrealistic goal."

"When you played football, did you try to win even if the other team was heavily favored?"

Todd rolled his eyes. "Sure. I've got nothing against unrealistic goals." He crossed his arms and waited for Ray to come up with a new plan of attack.

"Let's be very clear about this. What you're saying is that because you have not had any further panic attacks or flashbacks, you don't see a reason to go forward with therapy."

"Yeah," Todd agreed. A chill ran down his spine, almost as if it bothered him that Ray seemed to be willing to let him go. "If I'd just held out a little longer we wouldn't have had to do this at all. No offense, but you don't really think that me having three conversations with you made it all just go away, right?"

"I don't know," said Ray mildly. "It's amazing what the human mind can do when you let it direct its attention toward something. Maybe when you acknowledged that there was a problem and let yourself make a plan to deal with it instead of directing all of your energy into hiding and worrying that Blair would find out, that part of you that was trying to send you a warning was able to let go."

"So either way, no need for more of this." Todd gestured at the space between them.

"But just in case, maybe we can set up a framework. We can make sure that if memories and triggers start to overwhelm you again, we'll be ready to bring you back in before anything gets out of hand."

Todd thought about it. It was an annoyingly reasonable suggestion. A wise suggestion, even. A sage suggestion. "All right."

"Good." Ray grabbed a pad from his desk. "What I want is more information on your background so that if we start to talk about issues with your family, I'll know who's who. I'm not going to rush into asking you anything that makes you feel like I'm invading your memories the way Mitch Laurence's people did. All I want is a family tree. That's easy enough."

"Easy enough for you to Google."

"But I can't do that, because that would be unethical."

"I don't know if you're the right therapist for me if you're going to insist on being ethical."

"What are your parents' names?"

Ray _would_ start with something that gave Todd multiple options for sarcastic responses. With a great effort made possible only by the knowledge that his ready-to-go-into-labor-any-day wife was counting on him, he restrained himself. "Biological or adoptive?" he asked, in the tone that the sommelier at the Palace Restaurant asked "red or white?"

"Adoptive first."

"You knew Peter Manning," said Todd resentfully. They'd talked about Peter Manning, way back then when Todd hadn't yet learned the double meaning of _You are not my son!_

"Your adoptive father."

"Biological cousin. My birth mother's cousin." After all these years, saying the words still made him feel sick. The woman who had locked him up for years might not have been the real Irene, but he found it easy to believe that the real Irene must have been something like her. Who else would have handed a helpless baby to the likes of Peter Manning?

"Is he still with us?"

"If you mean is he burning in hell, hopefully in excruciating pain, yes. That's where he is."

"When did he die?"

"Not long after I got out of prison. My ankle monitor and I got special permission to go to Chicago so he could insult us some more and drop hints about who I really was instead of just bragging about making money off my back all my life. Not like I could have done anything about it."

"And your adoptive mother? She died when you were a child, correct?"

"Yes."

"Name?"

"Bitsy. Barbara."

"Any more adoptive family?"

"No one would call Peter Manning their family except a little kid who didn't have a choice." Peter had often said similar things about Todd. _Everyone turns into his father_, Todd thought, and choked down the shudder.

"When Peter died, you learned of your true heritage," Ray continued. "Your birth mother was his cousin Irene."

"Who may or may not have been a sociopath who joined the CIA for Single Mothers and had me shocked and beaten for eight years."

"Is that something you question?"

"No," said Todd. "I'm sure I was shocked and beaten for eight years."

"Todd," warned Ray.

"All right, fine. I was catatonic for part of the time, so I don't know for sure what they were doing to me then."

Ray made a note. Todd made a mental list of the ways he could destroy Ray's little notepad. "Do you believe that the woman who held you captive for eight years was your biological mother?"

Todd sighed. "No." This was exhausting, and they hadn't even gotten to the fun part yet.

"Who was your biological father?"

Todd drew himself up straight to do the name justice. "Victor Dalby Lord, publishing magnate and child molester."

"Any siblings?"

"Too many to name."

Ray waved his pad. "We have all day."

"Viki. Meredith. Tony. No, Tony was between Viki and Meredith. Tony and Meredith are both dead, anyway. I never met them. Viki and Meredith were the legitimate children. Tony was the first example of Victor's stellar moral character. His mother was Victor's wife's sister. Then when Viki went off to college, Victor decided to take a not-so-fatherly interest in her roommate. Irene."

"And that was when you were conceived."

Todd shook his head in disgust. "Tina first. Then me, years later. I don't get why Irene would have gone back, either."

"I didn't say anything like that. I just want a working family tree for you. I'm not here to judge."

Todd sincerely doubted that.

That was just as well. Someone who heard the story of Victor Lord and didn't judge had no business shrinking anyone's head. Someone like that had no business existing, really, because someone like that would have to have even less of a moral compass than Todd.

And he knew how shaky his moral compass was.

The silence stretched, and when Ray broke it Todd celebrated a small victory. "Your sister Viki," Ray tried. "Is she married? Children?"

"Believe me when I tell you," said Todd in all seriousness, "I honestly can't remember all of her husbands' names."

"What about the children?"

"The first one was Megan. She's been dead twenty years. More. Viki forgot about giving birth to her. She has a habit of doing that."

"All right. Next."

"Kevin," Todd spat. "My absolute least favorite fraternity brother who turned out to be my absolute least favorite nephew."

"You and Kevin are the same age?"

"I try to make sure that that's the only thing that's the same about us."

"Megan. Kevin."

"Joey. Bland. Dim. Not very interesting."

"Next."

"Jessica." Once, he might have smiled as he said Jessica's name. She was that rarest of relatives— one Todd had always wanted to claim. She had been sweet and untouched and a sign that there might be hope for the world. But now there was more to the story. Somehow, despite a lifetime of Viki's love and devotion, Jessica had ended up even crazier than he was. And that wasn't all. "Jessica and Natalie," he corrected. "Twins. Natalie's the other one Viki forgot. If you met Natalie, you'd want to forget her too."

"Megan, Kevin, Joey, Jessica, Natalie. Next?"

"That's it. Viki's a slow learner, but eventually she realized that with the exception of Jessica her kids pretty much suck, so she stopped having them."

Ray pretended that he wasn't amused. "And Tina's children?"

This time, at least, the story didn't make him sad. "CJ and Sarah."

"The same children who lobbied for you to be released from prison."

"Yeah. Out of all the stupid coincidences that ever happened to me, that's the only one I like. They were great kids."

"Have you met them as adults?"

"CJ once and Sarah twice."

"What did you think?"

"I thought they were still great, but that's probably only because I don't know them well enough to know how bad they're messed up."

"You think you wouldn't like them if you knew them better?"

"I think I'd like them. I just think I'd call them fucked up instead of great. Seriously, if Jessica could go off the deep end with Viki as her mother, what the hell chance did two kids who got stuck with an airhead like Tina have?"

Ray chose not to answer. Todd chose to believe that that was because Ray knew he had voiced an unassailable truth. "Let's talk about Blair's side of the family. Father?"

Todd smirked. "Unknown rapist."

Ray put down his pad and waited for Todd to make an honest response.

"Really," said Todd. "It's one of the things Blair and I have in common. We're both the children of rapists."

"All right," said Ray dubiously. "Blair's mother."

"Addie." Todd twirled his finger around his ear in the universal sign for crazy. "They put her away as a teenager because she was dangerous. She was attacked by an orderly at the nuthouse. Nine months later, Blair."

"Any siblings?"

"None. None that we know of. I guess she decided that she was better off not knowing, considering what her father was." He made a mental note to bring the subject up with Blair, just in case she wanted to reconsider now that their lives were a little more stable.

"The woman who orchestrated the incident that brought you here was Blair's aunt, correct?"

"Dorian's the head witch. She's Addie's younger sister."

"And Dorian's children?"

"Cassie. She's all right. She's with Blair now."

"So Cassie isn't a witch?"

Todd considered. "I think genetically she'd pretty much have to be. She might be a good witch, though."

Ray looked amused. "I have to ask. Is Blair a good witch?"

"Definitely not." Todd shook his head hard, warming to the subject. "Sometimes she thinks she is, though. It's really sad, like a saber-toothed tiger trying to be a Persian kitten."

"Dorian's other daughters? The younger ones?"

"Adriana and Langston. And Kelly's the other cousin. Her mother's name was Melinda. She died while I was gone, and it had something to do with a fucking ugly vase and Blair's ex-husband, but I didn't really want any more details."

"Kelly died?"

"That would've been nice. No. Melinda. Kelly's in London. I don't know what London did to deserve Kelly _and_ Kevin _and_ Rex Balsom _and_ his drippy little kid. We should send, like, an aid package the way you do after natural disasters."

"And your own children. How old is Starr?"

"Twenty."

"Tell me about her."

"She's perfect."

"She's in South America right now?"

"She was supposed to be back a few days ago but the school extended the project. See, crap like this is why I never went to class."

"And your next child is Jack?"

"Yeah. He's sixteen. Also perfect. Pain in the ass, but I like that in a kid."

"And Dani?"

Todd wrinkled his nose. He didn't know how Ray even knew about Danielle. He'd certainly never mentioned her. Perhaps Blair had. "About fifteen," he said, rather than working out when exactly her birthday would have been.

"You're not close?"

"Mutual decision. If she ever wants anything from me, she's welcome to it and I told her that. She's here, Blair and Starr think she's great, there's nothing I can do about it."

"She obviously wasn't planned."

"The last thing I wanted to do was be Victor Lord with kids all over the place. And it shouldn't have even been possible."

"Why is that?"

Todd wasn't going to get into it. "Sam is seven," he said. "Blair's kid by the imposter. Reminds me of CJ, actually, except CJ thought I was a genie and Sam thinks I'm Spiderman. He's the happiest person in the house. Completely well-adjusted. Nothing bothers him. Only thing that pisses me off is that he isn't mine. Hope is three. She reminds me so much of Starr at that age that it's scary. And Sage is minus a few weeks."

"You're calling the baby Sage?"

"Sage Victoria. For Viki, not for our father."

"Pretty name."

"She's going to be a pretty girl."

"And a _wise_ girl?" asked Ray meaningfully.

Todd thought of Starr and her habit of running away with poisonous spiders and voodoo dolls. He thought of Jack and the woman who had died in his friend's basement. He thought of Sam flinging himself into shootouts.

"You and Blair can hold your breath for that one. I won't," he said. 


	28. Chapter 28

It was one of the first truly warm days of the summer, and Sam, Hope, and Jack showed no interest in anything that was not the swimming pool. That was fine with Blair. She and Cassie sat in the shade and kept a close eye on them.

"I'm so glad you're here," she told Cassie, and not for the first time. She hadn't realized how much she had missed having her cousin around fulltime until she experienced it. "I feel like I should say I don't need a babysitter, but…" She watched Jack dunk Sam while Hope laughed and clapped from her perch on a tiny pink raft. "I keep having these visions. Hope falls off that raft and pops holes in her floaties and she starts to sink, and Jack can't see her so I go into the water after her and I go into labor…"

She shuddered. Two dead little girls to join her dead little boys.

She looked at the cabana where she had introduced Patrick to Hope with Brendan's presence heavy around them.

More and more, she looked at Sam and imagined Jeff beside him.

The baby inside of her had turned. Blair had had two mornings in a row of Braxton-Hicks contractions. The day of reckoning had almost arrived and she could think of little else.

"Well, I _am_ here, so that can't happen, right?"

"Right." Blair sighed. "Dorian making you do this just about makes up for the crap she pulled on Todd."

"You could have called me and asked yourself, you know," Cassie prodded gently. "I would have come."

It had never occurred to Blair to ask. She wasn't even sure she would have known how. "You have a life."

"And you're part of it. And just for the record, Mother didn't make me come. She didn't trick me into coming. I came because I thought it was a good idea and I wanted to see you and the baby. Besides, someone has to reign in Mother, and I'm not sure Langston and Aunt Addie are up to the job all by themselves." Cassie laughed. Blair didn't.

Langston, but not Starr.

Addie, but only after she had been prompted by Dorian—not because her brain worked in a way that told her to be present for the birth of her last grandchild.

Blair felt her eyes fill with tears. Her emotional state was no longer something she could control.

Hastily, she reminded herself that Starr wanted to be home and would never have gone to Paraguay had she expected this delay. She reminded herself that it was a blessing that Addie was able to travel and function unaided at all—asking her to be a mother like a woman with a fully functioning brain and a lifetime of experience would have been a mother was ridiculous.

"Honey, what's wrong?"

"Everything," said Blair before she could stop herself.

Splashing in the water beside Sam, the ghost of Jeff taunted her. _Don't do anything stupid like get yourself thrown off a roof. Or get so upset by those hormones that you go into labor._

"Did Todd do something?" asked Cassie.

"Everyone always asks that. Like everything's automatically Todd's fault," said Blair irritably. "He planned for the new house and it's almost done and it's terrific. He worked his ass off to build a real relationship with Jack. He's at therapy now and I know he hates it but he's doing anything he can to make our life better."

"Okay," said Cassie slowly. Blair could hear the humor-the-crazy-pregnant-woman undertones in her voice.

"I'm sorry," she told Cassie. "I just really wish Starr were here. I know it's stupid."

"There's nothing stupid about that."

"She's my child, not my mother. If you could suddenly, magically have another baby, would you want River in the room?"

"Maybe not the room. But he's a boy and he's never had a baby of his own. I'd want him in the waiting room, I promise you that. Anyway, Starr will be home soon. Aunt Addie made it all the way from Moscow."

"After Dorian told her to come."

"She's so excited to be here. I bet if you'd asked her to come sooner instead of saying 'No, Mama, I want you to stay there and finish helping out in the orphanages,' she'd have been here."

"Probably," Blair admitted. Her tears had dried—thankfully, without any of the children noticing that she'd been upset—and she felt more silly than sad.

"In your wildest fantasy, what would she have done?"

Blair thought about it. In her wildest, most selfish fantasy, Addie would never have wanted to leave her side after realizing that she was pregnant. She would have ignored all of Blair's protestations that she should go off and live her own life.

She would have been more like Dorian?

No.

Not quite like that. For one thing, Addie loved Todd.

So when Dorian had attempted to gaslight Todd, Addie would have jumped right to the defense of Blair and her family. Addie would have told Dorian to back off and that Blair was her daughter, not Dorian's. Dorian would have retorted that she loved Blair just as much as her own daughters and Addie couldn't begin to understand what they had been through together.

Blair decided to stop her fantasy before Addie and Dorian got into a full-blown, hair-pulling, food-throwing screaming match over her.

Then she decided to let it go on a little longer.

"You _have_ to tell me about that daydream," said Cassie when Blair returned to reality. "You're smiling like the cat that ate the canary."

Blair loved Cassie, but there was no way she was going to tell her the truth this time. "Just thinking it would be funny if Mama had come home from Moscow with a new husband. That would give Dorian something new to do."

"I think she's pretty happy with David right now." Cassie kept her face perfectly straight. "Oh. You didn't mean that kind of _do_."

"Cassie!" Blair's whole body shook with laughter. It had been a long time since Cassie had been a minister's wife, but Cassie had been cast as the sweet one in the family for so long that even the mildest dirty joke coming out of her lips seemed like a shock.

The gut-twisting laughter sent Blair into a fresh round of Braxton Hicks. She cringed and breathed while Cassie apologized and patted her back and made a note of the time just in case these were the real thing.

"Dorian has cheated on David before," Blair reminded Cassie. "She was married to David when she took up with Ray Montez."

"I never even met him."

"It didn't last very long. Unfortunately," Blair sighed. "You know, he was maybe my favorite for Dorian. Right age, right temperament, right place in his life. I know she loves David, but half the time it's like a game with them. They get together when he's not making commercials for hemorrhoid cream. It's not very _if the world goes to hell I want you holding my hand._"

"I don't think she's looking for that."

"I guess she considered Mel the love of her life, and he's gone."

"He was a good man. He loved her lot. So did my father. Herb, I mean. Not Dorian's other David. I guess they loved each other once, too."

"She loved Joey Buchanan. Doesn't mean it was a good idea."

"But you and me, it's always a good idea when we love someone. We always fall for the right person." Cassie appraised Blair thoughtfully. "But with you, it's always been Todd or the person you were using to forget Todd, hasn't it?"

"And Todd has the dubious distinction of being the right man and the wrong man at the same time."

Another contraction hit. Whether Sage was trying to reprimand her mother or make her point, Blair did not know. This contraction was longer and stronger than last, and Blair fumbled for Cassie's hand.

Cassie glanced at her watch. "That happens again in another five minutes, and we're going to the hospital."

The shockwaves of the contraction ran up and down Blair's spine.

In the door of the cabana, Brendan's ghost waved at her sullenly.

"I think I'm ready to go now," she said.

In short order, Jack was instructed to remove Hope and Sam from the pool and get them cleaned up, dried off, and fed before he joined them at the hospital. Blair's overnight bag—packed when she'd hit the seven month mark—was tossed in the back of Cassie's car.

Blair reached for the seatbelt.

_I didn't want to put my seatbelt on because it was pressing against the baby. The baby. He's gone! What happened to the baby?_

He's not here.

They did a c-section while I was asleep to help Starr, right?

They delivered the baby, yeah.

Was Brendan hurt?

_Yeah._

She tried to get out of the car, but she was hit hard by a rush of dizziness. She doubted that she would be able to stand.

"Cassie, no. Please," she begged around her tight chest. She could feel her blood pressure rising.  
_  
How badly? Is my baby dead?_

There's nothing anybody could do, Blair.

"Please, it can't happen again. Please, get me out of here."

"Get you out of where?"

"Out of the car!" Blair found a reserve of energy she hadn't known she had and kept herself upright as she stumbled back into the house. She managed to fall onto the couch just as the next contraction hit. They were slightly under five minutes apart now, and she was left in no doubt that this was real labor. Dr. Wright had said that the baby was likely to come quickly, not that Blair had needed telling. She'd lived through Jack's refusal to wait until the midwife returned, after all.

Cassie crouched beside Blair. "Blair, sweetheart, we need to get to the hospital."

"I'm not going to let Kelly kill my baby," Blair snapped. "Fine, Kelly's not here. Someone like her."

"Oh." As soon as understanding dawned on Cassie's pretty face, Blair started to cry. She could rage against Cassie's dangerous ignorance, but not against a woman who knew exactly what she was afraid of.

Cassie pulled Blair closer and stroked her hair. She waited for Blair's tears and the next contraction to pass.

"We'll drive slowly, Blair."

"Patrick was driving carefully! Brendan was his own baby!"

"Today is a nice, sunny day. When you lost Brendan, it was dark and it was raining and it was hard to see—"

So Cassie didn't understand after all. "She didn't see because she didn't look! You don't think there's some other heartbroken girl out there today, just because the sun is shining?" She dried her eyes on a tissue. "Todd's appointment will be over in ten minutes and he'll turn his phone back on. I'm going to have him come here and deliver Sage like he delivered Jack."

Cassie's face twisted with disapproval. Blair didn't care. "The hospital has so much equipment that we don't have here," Cassie tried. "And Todd doesn't have a medical degree."

"That's it! Call Dorian."

"I will," said Cassie. "If you want Mother to know before Todd does, especially when you know that she's going to tell you to go to the hospital. If you tell her no, she'll probably call an ambulance."

Blair's heart leapt. An ambulance, with its lights and sirens and paramedics on hand, seemed much safer than Cassie's car. Kelly would have heard the ambulance coming. She would have gotten a grip.

Cassie seemed to read her mind. "Would you feel better if we took an ambulance?"

Blair nodded. Although she didn't like to do it this way, she sent Todd a text asking him to meet her in the maternity ward. She couldn't very well wait ten minutes and call him with the siren screaming in the background.

It turned out that the ambulance driver didn't want to use the siren; he agreed only after Blair's blood pressure hit the danger level while she was arguing with him.

Her water broke as the paramedics were helping her out of the ambulance and into a wheelchair. She was too terrified to be embarrassed.

But now it wasn't the memory of Brendan that danced around her in an ever-tightening circle. It was the memory of the day she'd come here in early labor with Starr. The only thing in the world that would have made it better was something she absolutely could not have.

"Todd."

He was waiting for her.

* * *

As soon as Blair had been handed over to Todd and Dr. Wright, Cassie called Dorian.

Predictably, Dorian objected to not being called until Blair had arrived at the hospital.

"I could have been here before you. I could have helped with the check-in," said Dorian in lieu of a greeting when she arrived. "Where is Blair?"

"In with Todd and her doctors," said Cassie noncommittally. "They'll call us when they need us."

Dorian rolled her eyes. "Blair needs us now before Todd decides to give this baby away, too."

"Todd's not going to do that."

"You're right. He'll find something worse to do to her this time. He'll serve her with custody papers before they've cut the umbilical cord. Or he has a tattoo gun in his pocket so he can brand _my mother deserves to be raped_ on that child's back so Blair can see it every day."

"I watched Marty overcome what Todd did to her," said Cassie quietly. "It was horrible. It was also a very long time ago."

"Funny you'd say that. It just seems like yesterday that Blair was trying to hide the fact that their first baby was only three months old when she miscarried, because she knew that Todd would something terrible if he found out. And he most certainly did, Cassie. He was willing to rape Blair and he almost did. He thought it was an appropriate punishment for her. He thought it was an appropriate way to treat her. Blair might be able to wave that away, but I do not."

"You don't believe that a person can change in twenty years?"

"Oh, of course I believe people can change. You've changed. You didn't used to be his biggest fan."

"I want what Blair wants."

"She could want something else."

Cassie looked at Dorian for a long time, remembering the list of names she and Blair had discussed: Herb and Mel and Ray and Joey and more than one David. That wasn't even counting the likes of Manuel Santi and Clint Buchanan and Jason Webb. Dorian had loved many men in many ways. They had loved her in return. But there wasn't one among them that she came back to. Perhaps if Mel had lived… although Mel would never have been the father of her children or the man who stood beside her as she first made her way in the world.

"What?" growled Dorian at last. "I'm not an animal in the zoo. Don't stare."

"Sorry," said Cassie. "I was just thinking about you and Blair. Everyone always says that out of all of your girls, she's the one most like you, even though she's your niece and not your daughter."

"Of course she is," said Dorian. "I didn't get to her in time. I didn't know about her. The rest of you might have gone to boarding schools or stayed with relatives, but by the time you got to those teenage years, you were with me. You had someone to tell you that you were beautiful and intelligent and worthy of being loved. You had someone to make school something you had to do instead of something you couldn't afford to do. You had someone to make sure that you didn't try to make a life for yourself by seducing a brutal, abusive, rich man."

"True," said Cassie. "But then something happened with Blair that didn't happen with you. Todd's a rich man. Sometimes he's a brutal man. The thing is, he loves Blair."

"There have been other men who loved Blair. She can move on."

Cassie looked her mother hard in the face. "Do you really think she can?"

"Anyone-"

"Because I don't. I think that's the way that she isn't like you. You've had different men that you loved at different times and in different ways. So have I. So has Kelly. So has your favorite stepdaughter Viki. It's not like that with Blair. She always goes back to Todd, every single time, because she doesn't love anyone else as much as she loves him. It isn't just different, it's less. If it isn't him, there's something missing. It's like that for him, too. It doesn't make sense that he'd go back to her. She lied about being pregnant to get at his money, she told him that Jack wasn't his son, and then she accidentally didn't notice when he was taken hostage for eight years. But he looks at her like she's _it_. Like there's never been anyone else."

"There was certainly Tea."

"Who told all of Llanview that Todd wouldn't sleep with her when he was married to her. Meanwhile, he's back in town less than a year and Blair's in there having his baby. Again. With every single milestone in her life, it's been Todd. You've had different loves for different times in your life. Blair hasn't. For whatever reason, she can't."

"Supposing this were true," said Dorian, "What would you suggest I do about it? Let her go on with a man who I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is going to hurt her again?"

"In a word, yes."

"No."

"Hate him a little bit more passively. Consider that what you do to him, you end up doing to Blair because he's just that much a part of her."

"I'm living in a hotel room and letting him live in La Boulaie."

"And that is a wonderful, generous start." Cassie linked her arm through Dorian's. "Come on. Let's call Langston and Kelly and Adriana, and then maybe we can go see Blair."


	29. Chapter 29

Dr. Wright pulled Todd aside. "I don't really know you except by reputation," she said. "It isn't fair for me to treat you according to that reputation, but under the circumstances I feel like I have to."

"Go ahead," said Todd, who was more than used to people judging him before meeting him but not so used to people openly acknowledging that they were doing it.

"It is said that your relationship with Blair can be rather… fiery. I really haven't seen that side of you when you've come with her to her appointments. This is not the time for it come out."

"Any particular reason?"

"Her blood pressure is high."

"She's always had a history of that."

"She became upset when she was in the ambulance because the paramedics didn't feel that it was appropriate to use the sirens. They eventually turned them on because her blood pressure went far beyond the danger level. Do not do anything that might lead her to have a repeat performance. I don't like where it is right now, frankly. If you can do anything to reassure her…"

"Of course," he said. He hadn't needed to be told what he should do. What he did need to be told was how the hell he was supposed to do it. He'd missed Starr's birth entirely—and Hope's, for that matter. He had lots of experience telling Blair that her children were dead, but not so much experience in telling her that everything was all right. Even when he had delivered Jack, he had been blinded by jealousy and focused on the task before him. He'd never gotten to be the proud expectant father until now.

No wonder Blair was out of her mind with fear. She didn't know what she was doing, either.

Her put his arm around Blair's shoulders and kissed her cheek. "I guess not everything has changed," he told her.

"Hmm?"

"Remember when I made you take that pregnancy test? You had no idea that you were actually pregnant and you got so damn lucky?" He mimicked her voice. _"What do you mean I'm pregnant? I mean, of course I'm pregnant! I told you I was pregnant! You should be ashamed of yourself!"_

Blair looked more bemused by his impersonation of her (as well she should have, because his Blair impersonation happened to be terrific) than anything else, so he went on.

"I didn't know at the time why you were so freaked out after that. I thought you'd already gotten your head around the idea of us having a kid. But I told you then that we would be good parents and we would have great kids. Tell me I was wrong."

"You were right."

"Exactly. And I'm right, now, when I tell you that everything's going to be okay."

"It wasn't okay for that baby, Todd. It wasn't okay for Brendan. It wasn't okay for Jeff. I've been seeing them all day. Not _seeing_ them, seeing them, but _feeling_ them. They're everywhere and they're reminding me that—"

She broke off as a contraction hit. Todd grabbed her hand. He knew what it was like to feel the memory of something awful all around him, so much so that he got lost in it. He knew that very, very well. If he dwelled on the memory of being strapped into a chair and fearing he would never see Blair again, wanting so badly to hear her voice and know that she was with him, he could lose himself even now, with Blair right here.

"I'm right here," he told Blair. It was what he had wanted to hear her say. Maybe it was what she needed to hear him say. "Right here," he chanted, in time with her pained breathing. "Right here, right here, right here."

Dr. Wright reentered the room just as Blair came down from the contraction. She raised her eyebrows as she looked at the monitors.

"Well done," she told Blair. "Your blood pressure and heart rate are way down."

The she smiled at Todd. "Well done by you, too."

* * *

Starr didn't have her credit card, but she had the number memorized, and that was enough to purchase two first class tickets to Llanview. Crossing into the United States had been a non-event. She and Travis had tagged along with a group of college students returning from a drunken road trip, and border control had been satisfied with their student IDs. The student IDs were also enough to get them on a domestic flight.

She debated calling Langston to check on the status of things at home, but in the end she decided that she couldn't turn down the opportunity for this kind of surprise.

And so it was that she let herself into La Boulaie, Travis' hand held firmly in hers, and yelled for all to hear _"I'm home!"_

Hope's answering shriek was gratifying. _"Mommy!"_ An instant later, Hope tore down the stairs, stark naked and dripping wet. She flung herself into Starr's waiting arms.

"I am never going to be away from you for this long again. Never," Starr swore.

"Good idea," said Jack, who had chased Hope down the stairs. "Then you can finish giving her a bath."

"My pleasure," said Starr. She gave Jack a friendly shove on the shoulder. "Did you jump out of your bath?" she asked Hope.

Hope nodded proudly.

"Why was your Uncle Jack giving you a bath? In the middle of the day?"

"We went swimming!" Starr had barely had a chance to remind herself that while it was winter in the world she had left behind, it was summer here, when Jack spoke.

"And then the B-A-B-Y started coming and Mom had to go—"

"_WHAT_? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you couldn't just come home and ask what was going on. You had to have your grand entrance and make sure getting Hope ready took twice as long." Jack rolled his eyes. "Whatever. She's all yours now. Sam and I are going to the hospital, and you and Hope can come whenever." He made a rude gagging noise. "You might want to get yourself cleaned up, too. I doubt they'll let you into the maternity ward smelling like that."

Starr was halfway to telling Jack that he could comment when he'd traveled through south and central America without a passport. Then she decided not to waste her breath because he was one hundred percent right. She hated it when that happened.

"Just, please, let Travis borrow something clean to wear and then go. It's my fault he left without clean clothes."

Jack smirked in Travis' direction. "I knew it. I should have made a bet with Dad that you'd bring a guy home." He held out his hand to Travis, who shook it. "I'll get you something."

Starr made quick work of cleaning up herself and Hope. She then turned her shower over to Travis and told him to take a nap in her bed and to feel free to raid the kitchen.

She and Hope didn't arrive at the hospital long after Jack and Sam. Todd greeted her with a hug. "You're supposed to be stuck in Paraguay for another week. I don't want to know how you got here," he said.

"You don't even want to know the part about the guy she brought home with her?" Jack asked helpfully. "Guy who's probably asleep in her bed right now?"

Starr stuck her tongue out at Jack, who shrugged innocently while Sam and Hope, the little traitor, laughed.

"This isn't the drug addict teacher you used to stalk, is it?" asked Todd.

"No, it's the guy she met on the internet when she was, like, thirteen. She ran away with him and got kidnapped in Central Park."

"You weren't there! You don't even remember that!"

"That's not true. I write it in my diary every time you get kidnapped so I never forget."

"Thank you, Jack. We'll discuss it later," said Todd.

* * *

When Todd left Blair's room to check on the boys and Hope, Addie came in to see Blair.

"Mama," Blair breathed, but she didn't even get to start to tell Addie how special it was to have her own mother here before the next contraction hit.

Addie stroked Blair's hair and held her hand. "I wish I could have been here when you had the other children."

"Me too," Blair said when she'd managed to catch her breath. "I'm so glad you're here now."

"So am I." Addie looked around the room interestedly. "It's so very different from when you were born."

Blair's heart jumped; to her embarrassment, the monitor beside her loudly registered the change. "You remember that?" she asked. This was a conversation she had always wanted to have but had been afraid to start.

"For most of my life, I couldn't remember what I did in the morning by the afternoon," said Addie. "I don't know for sure what I remember."

"But what you think you remember…" Blair changed her mind about wanting to know. "It must have been awful. You must have been so frightened."

"No more frightened than every other mother. I promise you, Blair, whatever else was broken in me, that wasn't. I knew I loved you. They wanted me to be unconscious for the delivery, but you came too fast. Just like this little girl." She rested her hand fondly on Blair's stomach. "Somehow, even through all that confusion, I knew it was right. I knew that of course you would come storming into the world on your own terms. I knew that you would be strong. I think I even knew that you would find me again when they took you. I loved you so much. I love you so much."

"Even after how you got pregnant?"

"I didn't make the connection. Even now, when I think about it, I don't entirely know what happened. The way they medicated me at the time—I was frightened, but I was curious. That man, your father, I don't think I disliked him. I certainly couldn't dislike him now. He gave me you. Could you ever dislike the man who gave you your children?"

Blair bit her tongue to keep from saying "frequently," and instead said that she wished Starr weren't stuck in Paraguay.

Addie smiled. "About that." She opened the door, and in came Starr, with Hope in her arms.

Blair's whole body flooded with well-being. "Hi, Beautiful!"

"Oh, Mom!" Starr hugged Blair as best as she could. "I tried so hard to get here, and I almost missed it anyway. But I didn't!"

"No, you're right on time. But I thought you were supposed to be in Paraguay."

"They cleared up the problem and we got to leave almost on time," said Starr innocently.

An obvious lie, coming as it did on the heels of _I tried so hard to get here._

Blair decided that she could learn the truth about this at a later date. Perhaps Sage's fifth birthday would do. "How did you get permission to bring Hope in here?" she said instead.

"I didn't," Starr admitted. "I just didn't want to let her go." She squeezed Hope. Hope laughed. "And I just wanted to be here with you, and her, for a minute. What you did when I was the one in that bed was amazing and I'm never going to forget it."

"There's something about being here with your mother and your daughter, isn't it?" Blair beamed at Starr, Hope, and Addie. Four generations of Cramer women awaiting the newest arrival. Todd was outside with the boys.

Everything was incredibly right.

The next contraction started.

"Take Hope out, please," Blair said, and Addie grabbed Hope and hurried from the room so that Starr could stay a few minutes longer and distract Blair with tales of the two headed snake she had brought home. (_"We took the poison out, I swear."_)

At least it hadn't been the monkey.

It wasn't long before Dr. Wright called Todd back in and banished Starr to a far corner of the room.

There was a familiar terrified hot liquid rush, and then Sage was screaming.

"Everything looks perfect," Dr. Wright assured. She held Sage up to them, but looked puzzled when Todd and Blair turned to each other and began to laugh.

Sage was born with a head of bright red hair. 


	30. Chapter 30

When the time came for the nurse to take Sage from the room, Starr knew that this moment, more than anything else, was why she had been desperate to get home.

"I'll come," she told the nurse.

"I'm sorry," said the nurse politely. "That's not permitted."

Starr looked her straight in the eyes. "Three years ago, my daughter was born in this hospital and it _permitted_ her to be switched with a dead baby. I'm in scrubs. I'm sterile. I will stay out of the way. But where my sister goes, I go, until she is back in our mother's arms."

Dr. Wright over-ruled the nurse. "It's fine if you want to accompany Sage, Starr."

Because Starr was very mature and generous, she didn't smirk victoriously at the nurse. She merely kept her eyes laser-focused on the baby's bright red head.

She was not going to blink. Not even once.

* * *

Todd watched Starr and Sage go. "One good thing about that hair," he said. "It'll be easy for Shorty to keep an eye on her."

Blair smiled. "You know, when babies are born with hair, it falls out. When it grows back in, sometimes it's a completely different color."

"You know that isn't going to happen here. She decided to have red hair because she's a smartass like that."

"Probably," Blair agreed.

Dorian burst in before Todd could raise the subject. "Blair," she gushed. "_Mon amour_, she's gorgeous. _Absolument_ perfect."

"I don't know what you just said," said Blair flatly.

Dorian was busy tugging at the sheets around Blair. "Let me help you get cleaned up and moved to a private room."

Blair looked at Todd as if to ask his permission.

"Viki wants to see Todd, anyway," Dorian said when she noticed the glance.

"All right," said Todd. "Viki should have whatever she wants."

Dorian scowled. Sometimes it was too easy.

"Todd," said Dorian coolly. "Please do not misconstrue the following statement as an apology for anything I may or may not have done in the past six months."

"No danger of that," Todd told her.

"It has been suggested by someone far wiser than you or I that I back off. And so, I will back off. However, the day that Blair says the word, I will make sure that this baby will be your last. If you know what I mean." She grabbed a sharp-looking implement from the tray Dr. Wright had used during the delivery.

Todd's nether regions jumped inside his body, not so much from fear of the scalpel as horror that Dorian was discussing them.

"Dorian," said Blair. "I appreciate the protectiveness, but could you not threaten to castrate my children's father in the delivery room?"

"Could you give me a list of locations where I _may_ threaten to castrate your children's father?"

"Dorian!"

"I'm sorry," said Dorian, and even Todd could tell that that was a real apology. "I wanted to have everything in the open between us."

"Then since we're being open, if you ever go after Todd like that again, I will be the one using that scalpel and I will be using it to cut you out of my life. I've done it before and I will do it again. But I really don't want to have to."

"I don't want that, either, Honey." Dorian fussed some more with Blair's hair. "I just want to help you get ready to take some Cramer Women—Cramer _Family_— pictures with our newest member. And your family can keep La Boulaie for as long as you want it."

"We'll be out tomorrow," said Todd roughly. "We're having furniture sent to the new house today. When Sage comes home, she comes home for real. She comes home to her family's house, complete with a dog." He turned his attention to Blair. "You're okay with getting the dog right away? Shut Hope up about not getting a pet monkey?"

Blair laughed. "Yes."

"Good. Then I'll let you get ready for your close-up. But I do have something I want you to wear."

"Todd…"

He reached into his pocket, pleased with himself. "At our wedding, you and the girls wore gold balloon earrings. That was about the beginning of our life together. This is about the next part." He showed her the necklace. It was simple, with a golden charm shaped like a house. "This is to remind you that you always have a home and a family and a place that you belong. I have them for Starr and Hope and Sage, too. I have cufflinks with the same design for the boys."

"Thank you," Blair told him, and she leaned forward so he could fasten the necklace for her.

He kissed her cheek. "Happy Sage's birthday. I'll go see if they've got her in the nursery yet."

Sage was, in fact, swaddled alongside the other infants in the nursery. Starr stood sentry in the corner, wearing the same expression she had always worn as a child when Todd had displeased her. Todd was glad that he wasn't working in this place any more. Shorty would have made herself a hell of a boss.

Viki was watching Starr and Sage from the observatory. She held her arms open as soon as she saw Todd. "She's perfect, Todd."

"Just as soon as that hair gets dyed some other color, she will be."

Viki laughed and slapped Todd on the shoulder. "You know red hair runs in the family!"

"The annoying parts of the family."

"I think you would have liked Meredith," she mused. Todd tried to conjure up a mental image of Meredith. There was a photograph of Meredith and Viki somewhere in Llanfair's library. "It's been so long. It gets hard for me to believe that you didn't know her, but hard for me to imagine the two of you together, as well. Isn't that odd?"

"Are you dying?" asked Todd. "Because that sounded reflective and morbid. I want to be on the record as absolutely not being okay with you dying. I need someone to be my moral center. God knows I can't do that on my own."

"Thank you, Todd. I feel so loved."

"We named her Sage," said Todd abruptly.

"Pretty name. I like it."

"We named her Sage Victoria," said Todd.

Viki gasped and turned slowly away from the window and toward Todd.

"If that's all right with you," Todd completed quietly. Suddenly, naming his daughter after Viki seemed like the ultimate in hubris. She might be his sister, but she was also Queen Victoria of Llanview, whose name shouldn't be sullied by the child of the damned.

"Todd!" Viki beamed radiantly. "Do I really look like that isn't all right with me?" She hugged him again. "Thank you."

"Blair said that I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't have you. She's right."

"I believe you would have made your way without me."

Todd laughed. "We both know that isn't true. But the fact that you _say_ stuff like that…" He trailed off, not knowing where to go with this. "But next time Dorian tries to claim that kid as a Cramer Woman, feel free to rub the name in her face."

"Believe me," said Viki mischievously, "I intend to."

* * *

The next day, Todd, Blair, Starr, Jack, Sam, Hope, and Sage took a limousine to their new home. Todd had never really doubted that Starr and Hope would come along, especially after Blair had designed Starr's room in the manner of a small apartment with its own staircase and exit. There were heavy doors in the hallway on either side of Hope's room so that it could be in Starr's apartment when she was home but part of the main house if Starr needed to stay at school for days or weeks at a time. Blair, though, was somewhat surprised and pleased by Starr's decision to join them.

As they approached the house, Todd raised his hand. The limo slowed, and Jack and Sam bounded out and ran into the woods.

"Do I want to know what that's about?" Blair asked Starr.

"I don't even know what it's about," said Starr.

"Just a little baby present," said Todd as the limo moved more and more slowly. Eventually, it pulled to a stop. Todd opened Blair's door for her and took Sage from her arms. "Your present might be the best," he told Blair. "But mine's _bigger_!"

That was when Blair saw Jack leading Boreas into the driveway.

"The stable's all set up," Jack told her. "I've been riding him while you can't, but as soon as you're ready, believe me, you can have him back."

Boreas snorted. Blair laughed. "How many times has he thrown you?" she asked as she stroked Boreas' long neck.

"Only twice."

"I'm impressed."

"And this is José!" Sam piped up. He held up a puppy—a large breed of poodle, from the looks of it— for her inspection. "I named him after José Contreras."

"Who?"

"He's a pitcher for the Phillies," said Todd. "Where did you find that dog?"

"He was in the stable with Boreas. We thought that you put him there," said Jack.

"There was a card!" said Sam. He pulled it out of his pocket and handed it to Blair.

She couldn't read it. It was written in French.

Todd, Starr, and Jack crowded closer to look.

Only Todd could understand any of the message—purebred this and exceptional that—but they all knew the signature.

_Dorian._

Of course.

**The End**

* * *

**Note on the Characterization of Starr**

To those who tell me that I have written Starr out of character, I agree that of course I have. Starr Manning, when she last appeared on GH, was a sweet, good, uncomplicated songbird and ingénue. Some like this mature characterization, as is their right.

I don't. I don't want to see a Starr who is completely mature at the age of 40, let alone at the age of 20. I don't think it's realistic or interesting. I would rather see Starr as a brainy, scheming, periodically bratty, rule-breaking, big-hearted, loving, generous, fearless, loyal, complicated young woman.

The bratty was out in full force in this fic, not because I think Starr as 20 should be exactly like Starr at 7, but because Starr in this fic had built up a pile of emotions/fears/resentments and had a mini-explosion.

The choice of Travis as a love interest in this fic was not because I think Starr should date the way she did at 13, but because I didn't want to invent a newbie character and I certainly wasn't going to have Starr dragged down to Cole's level.

(The most shocking feedback I ever got in this series was "you spent too much time going on about how Starr loves Cole and I didn't read it." And here I thought I was being too self-indulgent by having Todd/Blair/Jack basically dislike Cole. But I digress.)

Blair/Starr/Jack on the show basically accepted the news of the Todd switch with a shrug. They heard about it, they reacted that day, and there were no lasting ramifications. Blair loved Todd; Starr loved Todd; Jack loved the imposter; on to the next plot point. Blair and Starr's feelings for Todd are not at all tangled up with their feelings for the imposter. Everything is resolved.

The theme of this fic is that resolution. This is from _Over the Candlestick_:

_"Were you not eavesdropping on the same conversation I was eavesdropping on? What did you think he said?"_

"I think he said Victor Lord Junior was an asshole who cut down my wife and my children until they felt worthless and convinced them that I don't love them." He crossed the room in a single stride and grabbed Starr by the shoulders. "I love you, Starr."

That? Is the heart of this universe. _Over the Candlestick_ was Jack-heavy and Jack behaved badly. _Diamond in the Sky_ was Starr-heavy and Starr behaved badly. The third part of the trilogy, _The Green Goblin, _is Sam-heavy and Sam behaves badly. Though he has the excuse of actually being 8 years old.

I get that many TnB and Manning Family fans were fine with not having this explored further. Some feel that it was in-character for Starr and Blair to handwave everything that happened with the imposter. Some have bigger wants like more exploration of what happened to Todd or Todd/Blair fighting TSJ/Tea or whatever else. That's why there are so many different and fun Return of Todd fics. That's why there can never be too many Return of Todd fics. Everyone takes her own angle.

Thanks for reading—and thanks for writing, if you do.

**Disclaimer**: If you recognize it, I don't own it. ABC and Prospect Park own One Life to Live.


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